<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p>It's likely uncontroversial to assert that Jennifer Senior is one of our finest living journalists. She's currently a staff writer at <em>The Atlantic</em> and before that she spent many years at the <em>New York Times</em> and <em>New York magazine</em>. Jennifer's written on a vast array of topics, but she has a special knack for writing articles about the human condition that go massively, massively, viral. One such hit was a lengthy and extremely moving piece for <em>The Atlantic</em> that won a Pulitzer Prize. It was about a young man who died on 9/11, and the wildly varying ways in which his loved ones experienced grief. That article, called "<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/09/twenty-years-gone-911-bobby-mcilvaine/619490/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">What Bobby McIlvaine Left Behind</a>," has now been turned into a book called, <a href="https://jennifersenior.net/on-grief" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>On Grief: Love, Loss, Memory</em></a>.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>In this interview, we spend a lot of time talking about this truly fascinating yarn, but we also talk about her other articles: one about <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/24/opinion/happiness-depression-suicide-psychology.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">an eminent happiness researcher</a> who died by suicide, another about <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/03/why-we-lose-friends-aging-happiness/621305/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">why friendships often break up</a>, and a truly delightful recent piece about <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2023/04/subjective-age-how-old-you-feel-difference/673086/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">the puzzling gap between how old we are and how old we think we are</a>. Jennifer has also written a book about parenting, called <a href="https://jennifersenior.net/all-joy-and-no-fun" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>All Joy and No Fun</em></a> which we also reference a few times throughout.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Jennifer's perspective on the Bobby McIlvaine story </li> <li>Lesser known theories of grieving from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross</li> <li>The work involved in finding meaning in loss</li> <li>Why – from an evolutionary standpoint – we hurt so badly when we lose someone we love</li> <li>Commitment and sacrifice</li> <li>The puzzling gap between how old you are and how old you think you are</li> <li>The power and perils of friendship</li> <li>Why Jennifer has chosen to focus so much of her writing on relationships</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jennifer-senior-583" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jennifer-senior-583</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Commitments Over Happiness
View commitments to others as a primary source of meaning and purpose, even if they don’t always bring pleasure or conflict with personal freedom, as sacrifice increases their perceived value.
2. Find Meaning in Being Needed
Recognize that being needed by others, both known and unknown, provides meaning and purpose in life, serving as a fundamental reason to “stay in the game.”
3. Actively Seek Meaning in Loss
Understand that meaning in loss is not automatically revealed but must be actively sought and worked for; it requires effort to find the “upside” or “learning moments.”
4. Control Your Reaction to Trauma
Recognize that you cannot control external traumatic events, but you can control your reaction to them, starting with fundamental actions like getting out of bed.
5. Prioritize Friendships in Middle Age
Recognize that as you age, especially in middle age, friendships become increasingly vital for meaning, companionship, and sustenance, as other life stages shift.
6. Avoid Hedonic Treadmill
Be aware of the “hedonic treadmill” effect, where accumulating more external things or achievements does not lead to lasting happiness, as you quickly adapt to new circumstances.
7. Ask Specific Grief Questions
When speaking to someone grieving, ask specific, present-focused questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “How has your day been today?” because people live minute-to-minute during grief, and broad questions are unhelpful.
8. Avoid Hurtful Grief Statements
Refrain from making statements that highlight the grieving person’s loss or compare their misfortune to your good fortune, such as “You’ll never have that again,” as these deepen the wound.
When interacting with someone who is grieving, be mindful not to “perform” your own grief or pity in front of them, as this can add to their discomfort and make them feel they need to console you.
10. Take Small Actions During Grief
When overwhelmed by grief, focus on making small, fundamental decisions and taking basic actions, as even these can be significant accomplishments in the early stages.
11. Pretend Lost Loved One Lives
As a coping mechanism for grief, some find comfort in pretending that the lost loved one is still alive and living their life elsewhere.
12. Manage Personal Biases
When engaging with sensitive subjects or individuals, make a conscious effort to prevent personal biases or strong emotions from influencing your initial interactions or communications.
13. Embrace Continuous Grief
Understand that for some, grief is a continuous form of loving the lost person, and they may choose to keep it close rather than seeking closure.
14. Writing Requires Perspiration
Recognize that good writing is a result of “pure sweat” and takes a long time, emphasizing the need for dedication and effort.