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Improving Your Relationships - Buddhist Style | Martine Batchelor

Aug 18, 2021 1h 8m 17 insights
This great deep-Dharma episode is all about using an ancient, fascinating, and readily-accessible Buddhist concept as a way to improve your interactions with other human beings. The concept in question is called vedana, or "feeling tone." Our guest, Martine Batchelor, will explain. She was a Buddhist nun in Korea for ten years and is now a lecturer, spiritual counselor, and author of such books as "The Path of Compassion" and "Women in Korean Zen." Two brief notes: First, this episode is a re-run, which we're doing a few times this summer in order to give the staff a breather, and also to resurface some of our older gems for our newer listeners. Second, this conversation includes some brief references to sensitive topics, including sexual activity and substance abuse. Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/martine-batchelor-repost
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Vedana Awareness

Practice becoming aware of the tonality (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral) of every contact through the senses, body, and mind, catching it early to prevent automatic, potentially harmful reactions.

2. Locate Feeling Tone Internally

Recognize that pleasantness, unpleasantness, or neutrality is not inherent in an external object or person, but is a conditioned experience arising within oneself based on perception.

3. Transform Unpleasant Feeling Tones

Instead of reacting by pushing away or attacking unpleasant feeling tones, observe them without immediate action and explore ways to engage creatively and insightfully.

4. Train Vedana in Meditation

Use meditation to intimately familiarize yourself with feeling tones by observing the tonality of breath, physical sensations, and sounds, noting their pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral quality.

5. Embrace Neutral as Restful Baseline

View neutral feeling tone not as boring, but as a restful baseline for the organism, a stable and achievable state that offers a path back from unpleasantness.

6. Sense Tonality in the Body

In daily life, notice shifts in tonality primarily in the body (e.g., heart, belly area) before the mind creates a narrative, and then identify the specific contact that triggered the shift.

7. Practice Relational Equanimity

Challenge the tendency to treat people unequally based on the feeling tones they evoke or society’s assigned tonality, striving to treat all individuals with equal regard.

8. Practice Meditative Listening

Listen to others totally and 100%, without planning your response, to allow for creative, clear, compassionate, and relevant insights to emerge in your interaction.

9. Renew Relationships in Adversity

Use difficult periods, like a pandemic, as an opportunity to consciously see others differently and renew relationships, moving beyond automatic, habitual perceptions.

10. Adopt “Why Stress?” Motto

During challenging times, consciously adopt the motto “Why stress? Take your time” to reduce self-harm and harm to others, promoting stability and clarity.

11. Cultivate Appreciation (Moodita)

Practice rejoicing in all the people who help you survive and in what is still working, fostering gratitude for those who endanger themselves for collective well-being.

12. Broaden Pleasant Tonality Awareness

Increase your awareness of the full range of pleasant feeling tones, including subtle experiences, rather than only seeking intense “plus five” pleasantness.

Understand that unethical actions often stem from either pushing away unpleasant tonality or grasping at pleasant tonality, encouraging mindful engagement with these drives.

14. Cultivate Enduring Love

Understand love as more than just an intense, pleasant feeling tone; cultivate it as appreciating, sharing, and growing together, accepting that the feeling tone will naturally fluctuate.

15. Integrate Depth and Width in Practice

Combine deep, focused meditation (depth dimension) with applying mindfulness and ethical principles in daily life and relationships (width dimension) to dissolve limiting habits.

16. Recognize Social Media Tonality

Be aware that social media platforms reinforce pleasant and unpleasant tonality, which can lead to biased perceptions, group-think, and the targeting of negative feelings towards specific groups.

17. Practice Self-Love for Tonality

Foster self-love to easily generate a pleasant feeling tone within yourself, which serves as a stable foundation for extending love and positive feelings to others.