How To Talk To Yourself When Things Suck | Sam Sanders

1. Rewire Inner Dialogue

Counter-program against your inner critic to rewire your interior dialogue, as this has a massive impact on your happiness and how you talk to others.

2. Be Your Own Mentor

Learn how to be your own mentor by talking to yourself in a supportive and guiding way, just as you would advise a good friend or a player.

3. Embrace Ongoing Self-Talk

Embrace an ongoing conversation with yourself, as you are the voice you hear the most, and shaping this internal dialogue is crucial for emotional and mental well-being.

4. Share Your Struggles

Share your grief, troubles, and hardships with others to find potential roadmaps for survival, as you are not alone in your experiences and sharing brings healing and abundance.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Develop the skill of self-compassion by talking to yourself supportively, like a good friend or coach, which data shows can lead to physiological, psychological, and behavioral changes.

6. Recognize Common Humanity

Understand that whatever you’re experiencing is simultaneously endured by millions of others, fostering a sense of common humanity that reminds you are not alone in your feelings.

7. Personify Grief/Emotions

Allow your grief or other strong emotions to take on a form you can see or speak to, which helps you grapple with them more effectively than abstract feelings.

8. View Emotions As Clouds

Think of all feelings and emotions as clouds that eventually move on, reminding you that even intense emotions are temporary and will pass.

9. Accept Life’s Inevitable Losses

Make peace with the fact that life is a series of accepting loss, as everything you love will either leave you or you will leave it.

10. Reframe Grief As Train Stop

When big grief stops your life’s ’train,’ view it as a necessary rest stop to debrief, think, and reassess your journey, rather than just being angry about the halt.

11. Ask Key Questions During Pause

During a ’train stop’ caused by grief, ask yourself where you want to go, what you want to take with you, and at what speed you should proceed to guide your path forward.

12. Prioritize Basic Self-Care

Maintain a checklist of mandatory self-care actions—move your body, eat well, sleep enough, and be with people—to ensure a healthy foundation, allowing your emotions to flow freely otherwise.

13. Allow Joy and Distraction

Give yourself permission to take breaks from grief and experience joy or distraction without feeling guilty, as a range of emotions is natural and necessary for well-being.

14. Seek Abundance in Grief

Shift your perspective to find abundance in grief by sharing your story, which can open up new feelings and connections with others who have experienced similar losses.

15. Be Grateful for Grief’s Beauty

Find ways to be grateful for the unexpected beauty grief can present, as heightened emotions can make moments more poignant and beautiful, ultimately lessening the pain.

16. Turn Hardship Into Awakenings

Approach difficult chapters in life, like grief, as opportunities for awakenings and deeper appreciation for moments that might otherwise be overlooked.

17. Connect Through Shared Experience

Use personal hardships, such as grief, as a means to connect with other people, enriching your own life and fostering a sense of shared human experience.

18. Share Your Anointing of Grief

Recognize that the ‘anointing’ of grief, and the community it can bring, is meant to be shared with others, challenging the cultural norm of keeping grief internal and solitary.

19. Continue Relationship with Deceased

Maintain an ongoing relationship with loved ones who have died by imagining them in different roles or scenarios, allowing their memory to shapeshift and provide comfort as needed.

20. Allow Grief to Play Out

Embrace the process of grief by allowing yourself to feel it fully without judgment or a set timetable, recognizing that both autopilot and crash modes are permissible.

21. Tune into Changing Grief

Be mindful of how grief changes over time, acknowledging its evolving nature rather than expecting it to remain static or reach a definitive end point.

22. Seek Emotional Significance in Pop Culture

Actively seek out cultural artifacts like music, books, or movies that offer emotional significance and lessons, serving as a ‘co-pilot’ through life’s challenges.

23. Avoid Performative Sadness/Angst

Do not engage in performative displays of sadness, anger, or anxiety, as the human brain and heart are wired to feel a range of emotions, not just one all the time.

24. Be a Joyful Warrior

Strive to be a ‘joyful warrior’ by making space for both horrors and joys, as this balanced approach is the best way to build the world you want to live in.

25. Prioritize Self-Care to Help

Remember that you must take care of yourself first, like putting on your own oxygen mask, to be prepared and effective in helping others or building a better world.

26. Embrace Play and Joy

Recognize that play and joy are not trivial but required endeavors to be the best versions of ourselves, even in the midst of grief or sadness.

27. View Grief as Garden Plant

Imagine grief as a plant in the garden of your emotions, present but not necessarily dominating, allowing you to nurture it while still appreciating the other elements of your emotional landscape.

28. Embrace Gift of Consciousness

Appreciate the gift of human consciousness and the ability to make profound meaning from life and loss, transforming experiences into a poetic narrative.

29. Own Your Career/Work

Intentionally chart a career path that feels true to you, actively owning your work and intellectual property to gain freedom and control over your professional endeavors.