<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>Why fear of other people's opinions (FOPO) holds us back, and what to do about it. </p> <p>Michael Gervais is a high performance psychologist and the host of the <em>Finding Mastery</em> podcast. His new book is called <em>The First Rule of Mastery</em>: <em>Stop Worrying About What People Think of You. </em></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>A handy new acronym: FOPO, Fear of People's Opinions </li> <li>How the evolutionary roots of our desire for social acceptance work against us in the modern world </li> <li>Why caring about what others think is not the same thing as worrying about what others think </li> <li>The difference between a purpose-based identity and a performance-based identity </li> <li>The anti-FOPO power of things like: imagination, journaling, meditation, social support, and considering your mortality</li> <li>Why focusing less on yourself can be the greatest bulwark against FOPO</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Related Episodes:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://tenpercent-happier.webflow.io/tph/podcast-episode/pete-carrol-michael-gervais-267" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Michael Gervais and Pete Carroll</a></li> <li><a href="https://wondery.com/shows/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/episode/10334-from-finding-mastery-a-conversation-with-dr-jon-kabat-zinn/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Michael Gervais in conversation with Jon Kabat-Zinn </a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Sign up for Dan's weekly newsletter</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3QtGRqJ" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>here</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Follow Dan on social:</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>TikTok</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Ten Percent Happier online</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>bookstore</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Subscribe to our</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube Channel</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Our favorite playlists on:</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Anxiety</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Sleep</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Relationships</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Most Popular Episodes</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/michael-gervais" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/michael-gervais-returns</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Purpose-Based Identity
Shift your identity from being performance-based (defining yourself by what you do relative to others) to purpose-based. Connect to something bigger than yourself and commit to a meaningful endeavor, which serves as an ‘off-ramp’ from FOPO and fosters a life of mastery.
2. Focus Less on Self for Stronger Self
Develop a strong sense of self, the greatest defense against FOPO, by paradoxically focusing less on yourself and more on others. When you attend less to your own needs being met by others, you free up resources to contribute to something bigger and better.
3. Master Your Controllables
Commit to mastering what is 100% under your control, primarily your inner life (thoughts, emotions, responses). This approach, exemplified by true masters, prevents wasted energy on uncontrollable external factors like others’ opinions.
4. Put Down the FOPO Poison
Actively recognize and reduce excessive worry and rumination about whether you are ‘okay in the eyes of others.’ This fear (FOPO) is described as a ‘poison’ that constricts human potential and leads to playing it safe.
5. Choose Authenticity Over Approval
Prioritize being authentic and expressing your true self, rather than conforming to social norms or faking reactions to be liked or fit in. Avoid abandoning your first principles, virtues, and values for social acceptance.
6. Cultivate Inner Psychological Skills
Invest in developing psychological skills by paying attention to how your thoughts and emotions work, and learn to manage them from the inside out. This internal investment helps you meet life’s demands and combats chronic fatigue.
7. Develop Deep Self-Trust
Cultivate a deep trust in your ability to handle future challenges, believing ‘I will figure that out too.’ This self-trust provides freedom and allows you to be authentic and resilient in diverse environments.
8. Commit to Being Your Best
Make a fundamental commitment to being your very best self. This commitment naturally shifts your focus from a ’look at me’ approach to a ‘how can I help you’ mindset, fostering growth and service to others.
9. Meditate to Increase Awareness
Engage in meditation and mindfulness practices to increase your awareness of your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and the unfolding world. This heightened awareness helps you notice and adjust your responses to FOPO, such as excessive worrying.
10. Journal for Deeper Self-Awareness
Use journaling as a private practice to reflect on your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. This ‘forcing function’ helps you become more aware of your word choices, commitments, and emotions, fostering greater self-understanding.
11. Seek Wise Counsel (Round Table)
Create a ‘round table’ of 8 trusted individuals whose opinions you deeply care about. These people should have ’time under tension’ with you (knowing your history, dreams, and traumas) and ideally have ‘gone for it’ in their own lives, providing valuable, contextualized feedback.
12. Filter Feedback with a Mental Screen
Adopt a mental ‘screen pass’ mechanism to filter incoming feedback. Allow only constructive information that helps you improve to pass through, while discarding negative, destructive, or unhelpful comments.
13. Visualize a Proficient Future
Consciously use your imagination to visualize a beautiful future where you are highly proficient, rather than allowing it to loop on potential catastrophes. Practice this positive thinking to inoculate against anxiety.
14. Ask Directly, Don’t Mind-Read
Instead of guessing or assuming what others are thinking, directly ask them for their thoughts or reactions. Acknowledge that mind-reading is ineffective and foster psychological safety in relationships to encourage honest communication.
15. Contemplate Mortality’s Litmus Test
Use the awareness of limited time and mortality as a ‘shot clock’ to prioritize what truly matters. This perspective can help you avoid obsessing over others’ opinions and encourage you to be more present and authentic in your interactions.