Utilize the RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) meditation practice to address deep self-hatred or lack of self-forgiveness. This four-step process helps navigate emotional stuckness by weaving mindfulness and self-compassion, often requiring multiple rounds for deep conditioning.
Recognize that beyond your personality, thoughts, and emotions (the ‘waves’), there is a larger ‘ocean’ of awareness and natural tenderness, a luminous openness that is your true nature. Identifying with this larger belonging helps overcome fragmentation and self-hatred.
Ask yourself, ‘Who would you be if you didn’t think something was wrong with you?’ This powerful inquiry can reveal deeper possibilities for transformation and freedom once self-hostility begins to disarm, shifting your perception of self.
If you find yourself constantly wanting to be different, trace this desire back by repeatedly asking ‘what would that give you?’ This process helps uncover core longings such as belonging, connection, and peace, which are often obscured by superficial wants.
Understand that self-forgiveness does not condone past actions but actually makes you more responsible and accountable. By releasing the constriction of self-judgment, you gain access to the resources needed to change undesirable behaviors and act in alignment with your values.
When observing your own or others’ undesirable behaviors (e.g., arrogance, criticism), recognize that these actions often stem from underlying hurt or vulnerability, like a ’leg in a trap.’ This perspective fosters tenderness, love, and compassion, making you less judgmental.
Recognize self-forgiveness as a political act that helps bridge divides, both internally and externally. By leading with the intention to see past behaviors to underlying hurt, you contribute to healing and foster communication in society, rather than feeding violence.
When experiencing glimmers of silence, awe, beauty, gratitude, or love, intentionally pause for five breaths or count to 30, allowing yourself to feel saturated by the experience. This helps to familiarize your nervous system with these positive qualities, making them more enduring traits.
When experiencing difficult emotions like fear, ask what the emotion is trying to do or what it wants. Tracing it back will often reveal that it’s an expression of the organism trying to protect or promote itself, leading to less judgment and more freedom.
Recognize that being down on yourself can lead to impatience and judgment towards others. Committing to self-forgiveness for imperfections can make you more spontaneous, playful, and available in your relationships.
Recognize that self-criticism is not necessary to keep you safe or maintain your edge, as evidence suggests it does not promote good personhood. This understanding can help disarm hostility against yourself and lead to wiser strategies.
Understand that your perceived flaws are often conditionings or ‘castings’ you didn’t control, rather than personal failings. This perspective makes it less personal and increases capacity for self-forgiveness and kindness.
Adopt an inner coach rather than an inner drill sergeant, as research shows self-compassionate individuals are more likely to achieve their goals. This approach fosters kindness towards oneself, which improves relationships and effectiveness.
Reflect on whether judging or not forgiving yourself actually helps you improve, and how much ‘better’ you would need to be to feel sufficient. Most people find that self-hatred does not promote good personhood or lasting positive change.
At the end of each day, review instances where your actions didn’t meet your ideal self and whisper ‘forgiven, forgiven’ or ‘accepted, accepted’ to disarm self-judgment. This practice helps clear accumulated armoring and fosters spontaneous self-forgiveness throughout the day.
When experiencing kindness or forgiveness towards yourself or others, pause to investigate and sense the quality of self you experience. You will likely notice a more diffuse, open, light, and tender sense of being, revealing a deeper truth of who you are.
To recognize the constant presence of awareness, try for a few moments not to be aware. This simple exercise quickly reveals that awareness is always present, even when obscured by thoughts.
Before going to sleep, reflect on what you are grateful for during the day. This practice reconnects you with your true self and ends the day on a positive, sweet note.