<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Most of us talk all day long. We speak to each other, we type at each other, and of course, we talk to ourselves internally. Talking and listening is a key part of what it means to be human and It's very hard to be a successful person if you can't communicate your ideas and listen to and understand other people. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Today's guests, Mudita Nisker and Dan Clurman, are here to explain some very simple and easy to understand communication skills that can transform your life. Their new book, <a href="https://letstalkmethod.com/buy-book/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Let's Talk: An Essential Guide to Skillful Communication</em></a> concisely summarizes their teachings and they're coming on the show today to walk us through some of the key learnings from this book. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Over the past thirty years Nisker and Clurman have provided communication training to individuals and organizations in the private, public, government, and nonprofit sectors. They have also led workshops, and trained staff at leading mindfulness centers such as Insight Meditation Society and Spirit Rock Meditation Center. Clurman is a communication coach and professor in the Ageno School of Business at Golden Gate University in San Francisco. Nisker is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. </p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <p><br /></p> <ul> <li>Talking vs. listening</li> <li>Content vs. process </li> <li>The power of saying nothing at all</li> <li>Reflective listening </li> <li>The Buddhist concept of Right Speech</li> <li>Content goals vs. relationship goals</li> <li>"I" language</li> <li>Provisional language</li> <li>Stating positive intentions</li> <li>Framing</li> <li>And Flooding vs. chunking</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><em>You can read an excerpt of the book,</em> <a href="https://letstalkmethod.com/buy-book/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Let's Talk: An Essential Guide to Skillful Communication</em></a> <em>if you subscribe to our TPH newsletter, which comes out every Sunday. And you can subscribe if you go to:</em> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/newsletter" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>tenpercent.com/newsletter</em></a>.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/dan-clurman-and-mudita-nisker-494" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/dan-clurman-and-mudita-nisker-494</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Practice Reflective Listening
To understand others as they wish to be understood, paraphrase their message in your own words without agreeing or disagreeing. This helps the speaker feel heard and calms their emotional responses, making them more receptive to your message later.
2. Distinguish Content & Process
Recognize that communication involves both what is said (content) and how it is said (process). By consciously adjusting the process, such as when to talk or listen, you can significantly influence the quality of the content.
3. Consciously Choose Talk or Listen
Bring mindfulness to conversations by consciously deciding whether it’s more beneficial to talk or listen at any given moment. This prevents habitual, inattentive communication and enhances engagement in consequential conversations.
4. Utilize Strategic Silence
Practice restraint by choosing silence, especially when someone is upset or when you don’t have something useful to say. This creates space for the other person to contribute and prevents adding unhelpful information when they are triggered.
5. Prevent Amygdala Activation
Learn to communicate in ways that do not trigger the other person’s stress and fear centers, and be aware when it is triggered. This ensures your message can be heard and understood, as the logical brain goes offline when the amygdala is active.
6. Practice Right Speech
Before speaking, consider if your words are both truthful and useful in the current context, aligning with your mutual goals and being non-harming. This prevents unnecessary cleanup work and promotes constructive dialogue.
7. Focus on Your Experience (I-Language)
Describe your own thoughts, feelings, and sensations using ‘I’ statements rather than characterizing others with ‘you’ statements. This makes your message less accusatory and harder to argue with, fostering openness.
8. Employ Provisional Language
Acknowledge uncertainty and the possibility of change by avoiding definitive words like ‘always’ or ’never.’ This reduces defensiveness in others and aligns your communication with truth and humility, preventing self-fulfilling prophecies.
9. State Positive Intentions
Clearly identify and articulate what you do want to achieve in a conversation, especially difficult ones, rather than focusing on negatives. This provides a roadmap, orienting both parties toward a positive outcome and reducing stress.
10. Frame Conversations Effectively
Before consequential conversations, consciously decide how you want to orient the listener and set the tone. This acts as a ‘heads up,’ preparing the other person to receive your message more openly and invitationally.
11. Chunk, Don’t Flood, Your Message
Deliver your message in short, digestible ‘chunks’ (like paragraphs) rather than long ‘floods’ (like pages). This creates space for the listener to participate, ask questions, and stay engaged in the conversation loop.
12. Separate Facts from Opinions
Practice critical thinking by clearly distinguishing what you state as a fact from what is merely your opinion. Presenting opinions as facts can lead to confusion, misinformation, and poor decision-making.
13. Cultivate Meditative Awareness
View communication as ‘meditation in action’ to test and cultivate equanimity, patience, and self-compassion. While not required, meditative practice can enhance your ability to apply communication skills and manage triggers.
14. Prioritize Relationship Goals
In interactions, especially with important people, prioritize the health of the relationship over simply conveying content. This ensures long-term harmony and mutual understanding, even if the immediate content is less interesting.