Strive for healthy boundaries by being able to appropriately say yes or no, considering the person and their abilities, and tailoring boundaries to specific relationships or situations to avoid burnout and isolation.
Develop boundaries with yourself by being conscious of your values (e.g., family time, hobby time) and structuring your schedule intentionally to support them, recognizing that boundaries are 90% internal.
Overcome the fear of setting boundaries by recognizing that most people will respect them, avoiding predictions of negative reactions, and understanding that not having boundaries damages relationships.
State your boundary directly and clearly by identifying the problem and presenting the solution (e.g., ‘I cannot take on any more projects right now’), using a calm and gentle tone to maximize reception.
Set boundaries before you reach a point of exhaustion or rage, as waiting too long can lead to aggressive communication that is less effective and damages relationships.
When setting boundaries, especially in personal relationships, lead with a positive intention (e.g., ‘I care about this relationship, but I can’t do this’) to frame the message constructively and maintain connection.
For ‘habitual line steppers’ or those unwilling to receive boundaries, keep the message short and simple, and be prepared to restate boundaries repeatedly using direct language like ‘please stop asking.’
Recognize that you must choose your discomfort: either endure unwanted situations (e.g., uncomfortable lunches) or experience the discomfort of setting a clear boundary that protects your well-being.
Practice hearing ’no’ and respect other people’s boundaries, even if you don’t like, agree with, or deeply understand them, to foster deeper and more authentic relationships.
Pay attention to non-verbal cues like hesitant ‘yeses,’ tone of voice, and body language to intuit others’ boundaries, and release them from obligations when you notice their discomfort.
Ask clarifying questions about boundaries (e.g., ‘Is that a universal no, or just for this time?’) to better understand and respect others’ needs in the future.
Challenge stereotypes and biases (e.g., ‘angry black woman,’ ‘sassy,’ ‘diva’) that disempower marginalized groups from setting boundaries, and avoid using such terms in your vocabulary.
In diverse environments, avoid personalizing every interaction; instead, strive to understand cultural differences in communication (e.g., tone of voice, eye contact) before attaching negative labels to behavior.
If you have experienced childhood trauma, be aware that you may need deeper work to understand and set boundaries, addressing enmeshment, codependency, and guilt to reconstruct a healthy sense of self.
Seek therapy to deal with the discomfort around setting boundaries and to affirm your needs as healthy, particularly if you struggle with guilt when others react negatively to your boundaries.
Recognize that everyone’s boundaries are different, and it’s important to wonder about and respect other people’s boundaries to ensure comfort and safety in relationships.
Avoid having porous boundaries by learning to say no and speaking up for yourself to prevent frustration, burnout, and overwhelm that often result from people-pleasing.
Avoid rigid boundaries by being flexible and considering the person and their abilities, as overly strict rules can keep people from being in community with you.
Allow people to have different thoughts and preferences without getting upset, respecting intellectual boundaries by understanding that not everyone will share your opinions.
Be aware of and communicate your need for physical space and comfort, and respect others’ physical boundaries, understanding that personal space requirements can vary.
Respect emotional boundaries by not telling people how they should feel, as emotions are valid and based on individual experiences, narratives, and upbringing.
Be conscious of what you do and don’t want to do with your possessions (e.g., car, money) and verbalize clear expectations to others on how they should treat your things.
Set clear time boundaries by deciding when to respond to messages, what activities to agree to, and how many things to put on your calendar to avoid burnout, overwhelm, and frustration.
Allow people time to adjust when you set a new boundary, as it is new for them and may cause discomfort on both sides, but is necessary for healthier interactions.
Build a diverse community of people so you don’t have to rely on the same individuals for every request, allowing you to respect individual preferences and ’no’s without feeling unsupported.