Recognize that ruptures and mess-ups are inevitable in relationships, and the subsequent act of repair is the most powerful strategy for healing and strengthening connections. This process helps moments of dysregulation get stored next to connection and safety, rather than aloneness.
When someone’s behavior frustrates you, pause and actively seek the most generous interpretation of their actions or intentions. This mental shift helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively, especially in chaotic situations or when dealing with challenging behaviors.
Before attempting to repair a relationship with someone else, differentiate your good identity from your bad behavior by acknowledging you are a good person who did a bad thing. This internal repair allows you to accept your actions without shame and reaccess self-compassion, which is necessary to offer compassion to others.
When repairing a relationship, clearly name what happened, take full responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledge the impact it had on the other person. For bonus points, share what you will do differently next time or what you are actively working on, avoiding conditional apologies.
Understand that rupturing (messing up, yelling, saying imperfect things) is the necessary first step towards repair and a marker of secure attachment. This perspective gives you permission to make mistakes and encourages you to get good at the repair process.
Recognize that while you have a right to feel any emotion, you also have a responsibility to manage how you express that feeling, especially in important relationships. This distinction allows you to show up as a respectful person even when experiencing frustration.
As the adult or leader in any system, take personal responsibility for shifting dynamics and consider what you can do to change the situation, rather than waiting for others to change first. Your actions from the top will prompt others in the system to accommodate and shift as well.
Avoid conditional apologies or blaming others for your reactions (e.g., ‘I’m sorry I yelled, but you made me’). This models the kind of respectful and responsible communication you want to see in your children and other relationships.
After a repair, approach the other person (e.g., child) from a place of collaboration, acknowledging shared challenges and inviting them to brainstorm solutions together. This fosters cooperation and mutual respect, leading to more effective and lasting change.
Refrain from using punishments as a primary strategy to change behavior, as they are often ineffective, threaten relationships, and can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem by reflecting a ‘bad kid’ identity. Punishments don’t teach skills or address underlying issues.
Before attempting to change a problematic behavior, take the time to understand its underlying reasons and context. This curiosity is crucial for successful intervention and skill-building, and does not condone the behavior itself.
Build and maintain strong connections with others, especially children, as the primary means to encourage listening and cooperation. People listen because they feel connected, not because they fear negative consequences.
Establish clear, firm, and sturdy boundaries in relationships, understanding that these boundaries are an essential part of connection and come from a place of warmth and protection, not desperation or fear. This balances empathy with appropriate authority.