Actively engage in repair after any conflict or ‘mess up,’ as this is the most powerful strategy for strengthening relationships and preventing long-term emotional damage. Repair helps store the event in the body next to connection and safety, rather than aloneness or denial.
When someone’s behavior is challenging, consciously choose the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of their actions, assuming they are ‘good inside’ and that something else is driving their behavior. This activates curiosity and allows for a more effective, collaborative approach to problem-solving, rather than immediately blaming or labeling them.
Before attempting to repair with someone else, repair with yourself by differentiating your ‘good identity’ from your ‘bad behavior.’ You cannot offer compassion and connection to others if you haven’t reaccessed those qualities within yourself.
A true repair involves naming what happened, taking responsibility for your behavior, acknowledging the impact it had on the other person, and ideally, sharing what you would do differently next time. Avoid conditional apologies or seeking reassurance, as this shifts the focus from your responsibility to their reaction.
Understand that it is never too late to repair past ruptures, even those from years ago or long-standing patterns, as repair can change how memories are stored in the body. Initiating a repair, even for old events, can be a profoundly meaningful moment for both parties, changing the story of the event in memory.
When in conflict, consciously shift your mindset from ‘me against you’ to ‘us against the problem.’ This collaborative framework allows for productive problem-solving while maintaining connection, as both parties work together towards a shared goal.
Define a boundary as something you will do, which requires nothing from the other person. This empowers you to embody your appropriate authority and protect yourself or others without resorting to fear-inducing threats or requests that depend on another’s compliance.
Before attempting to change someone’s behavior, especially a child’s, strive to understand the underlying reasons or missing skills behind it. Interventions are only successful when they address the root cause, rather than just reacting to the surface behavior.
Once you’ve applied the Most Generous Interpretation to a challenging behavior, actively engineer solutions that address the potential underlying issues. This proactive approach focuses on changing the system or providing support, rather than relying on punishment or blame.
Communicate with others, especially children, in the way you wish them to communicate with their loved ones in the future. Avoid conditional apologies or blaming others for your reactions, as you are modeling the communication patterns they will adopt.
Recognize that your right to feel frustration is distinct from your responsibility to manage that feeling and express it respectfully. This distinction helps prevent lashing out and encourages healthier communication in relationships.
After a repair, allow at least 24 hours for emotions to cool down before engaging in a problem-solving or teaching conversation. This time allows for grounding and helps prevent negating the apology with immediate criticism or conditional statements.
Implement family meetings as a structured way to address recurring problems, inviting all ‘key stakeholders’ (including children) to brainstorm solutions collaboratively. This fosters respect and engagement, leading to more effective and lasting changes.
When conducting family meetings, begin by brainstorming all ideas (even ridiculous ones) and write them down, starting with a playful or humorous suggestion. This approach builds ‘connection capital’ and makes problem-solving more collaborative and less confrontational.
Consciously deposit ‘connection capital’ into your relationships by being present, validating feelings, and showing understanding, especially with children. This capital is drawn upon when you need to ask someone to do something they don’t want to do, making compliance more likely.
In situations where safety is at stake, prioritize protecting others (e.g., children) over their immediate happiness or compliance. Clearly communicate that your ’number one job is to keep them safe,’ even if it means they are temporarily upset.
Actively put away distractions like your phone and engage fully with others, especially children, during key moments of the day. This presence fosters connection, which is a primary driver for cooperation and listening.
When someone shares their feelings or perspective, listen with the sole intention of understanding, rather than preparing a rebuttal or trying to prove your point. This approach validates their experience and strengthens connection.