Make it a habit to regularly ask yourself, ‘How am I feeling?’ and others, ‘What are you feeling right here, right now?’ This practice enhances self-awareness and interpersonal understanding, informing your choices in interactions.
Cultivate interpersonal mindfulness by developing ’two antennae’: one for being aware of your own needs and wants, and another for observing the other person’s reactions and cues. This helps you tailor your approach to each unique relationship.
Shift your mindset to view conflict not as a negative event, but as a positive signal that indicates an underlying issue needing attention. Approaching disagreements this way allows for deeper exploration and understanding.
Accept that building deeper relationships inherently involves risk; be willing to take ‘prudent risks’ by sharing vulnerabilities or raising difficult issues. This willingness to risk is essential for moving relationships beyond superficiality.
Approach every human interaction as a potential learning experience, a moment to gather data about how you and others are feeling and responding. This continuous learning process helps you improve your interpersonal competence over time.
To build reciprocal vulnerability, use the ‘15% rule’: step slightly outside your comfort zone to share something relevant about yourself, assess the reaction, and then take another small step. This gradual disclosure expands your shared ‘safety zone’ in relationships.
When expressing feelings, use ‘I feel [emotion]’ statements (e.g., ‘I feel dismissed’) rather than ‘I feel that/like you…’ constructions. This avoids attributing intent, reduces defensiveness, and keeps the focus on your own experience.
Give feedback as a ‘gift’ by focusing on specific, observable behaviors and their impact on you (e.g., ‘When you interrupted three times, I felt dismissed’), rather than making judgments about character. This approach helps the person understand the effect of their actions and encourages behavioral change.
When engaging in potentially sensitive conversations or offering feedback, clearly state your positive intentions (e.g., ‘I want to improve our relationship’). This helps prevent misunderstandings and reduces the likelihood of the other person becoming defensive or paranoid.
Resolve small annoyances or misunderstandings, referred to as ‘pinches,’ early by clarifying what was said versus what was heard. Addressing these minor issues promptly prevents them from escalating into larger, more damaging conflicts.
In conflict, consciously suspend your judgment of the other person and instead cultivate genuine curiosity. Ask what you might have done to cause a negative impact, regardless of your intent, to understand their experience better.
If a conflict escalates or you hit a wall, explicitly name the feeling (e.g., ‘Are you feeling defensive?’), ask about specific behaviors, or suggest taking a short break (e.g., 10 minutes) to cool down. This allows for de-escalation and a more productive return to the discussion.
Practice genuine apologies by saying ‘I’m sorry’ and truly meaning it, acknowledging the impact of your actions regardless of your intent. Expressing sincere regret for the negative outcome helps repair ruptures in relationships.
Encourage others to be vulnerable by being genuinely curious and asking open-ended questions that invite them to share more about themselves. This conveys a true desire to know them, making them feel safer to open up.
Help others grow by kindly sharing feedback about specific behaviors that might be limiting them, framing it as an act of care and support. This provides valuable insights they may not be aware of, fostering their development.
When communicating across significant differences (e.g., race, gender, politics), lead with vulnerability by acknowledging your own position, limitations, and any discomfort. Clearly state your positive intentions to foster a more open and understanding dialogue.
In remote work environments, actively ‘double down’ on relationship building, as tasks often overshadow personal connection. Make a conscious effort to share your personal state and inquire about others’ deeper experiences and what’s important to them as human beings.
In remote team meetings, implement a structured personal sharing exercise like ‘If you really knew me…’ where each person completes the sentence using three feeling words. This fosters deeper connection and understanding among team members in a time-efficient manner.
Recognize that behavioral change is a gradual process requiring repeated practice and reminders, rather than expecting immediate perfection. Strive for incremental improvement over time, acknowledging that occasional lapses are part of the journey.
Leverage free online tools such as self-assessments and learning group guides (e.g., from connectandrelate.com) to gain insights into your own interpersonal dynamics. These resources can help you practice and improve your skills independently or with a group.
Engage with the free AI bot (e.g., on connectandrelate.com) for personalized tips and practice in navigating interpersonal situations. This offers a convenient way to get advice and explore communication strategies.