Actively pay attention to ‘ruptures’ (misattunements, abrupt subject changes, or emotional shifts) in conversations and inquire deeply into what’s truly happening. Make your feelings available to the other person and ask what’s really going on, which helps to repair connections and build trust.
Cultivate an ongoing practice of ‘having your own back’ by understanding that making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person, but simply human. This self-compassion allows you to move past self-flagellation and focus on repairing relationships, fostering an ‘upward spiral’ of improved well-being.
Recognize that mental health is not constant happiness, but the ability to feel the full range of human emotions in balance, without one taking over. Allow yourself to feel sadness, grief, anger, and fear, as these emotions have value and guide you, reducing shame and increasing overall well-being.
Go beyond just asking questions by attuning to subtle cues like averted eyes, tensing up, or changing the subject, which often indicate deeper feelings. Instead of moving along, inquire about these cues to understand the full truth of the conversation and the other person’s experience.
Recognize that self-punishment and a cruel inner voice are unproductive and isolate you, preventing true connection and repair. Instead of self-flagellation, focus on what you can do to make amends and show care to others, shifting from inward focus to outward giving and connection.
In arguments or conflicts, clearly articulate your feelings (e.g., ‘I’m feeling stressed because of this,’ or ‘I’m feeling angry/sad’). This clarifies your state for the other person, allowing them to meet you where you are and foster a better back-and-forth of giving and receiving.
When identifying a coping mechanism (e.g., in Internal Family Systems), acknowledge how it helped you survive in the past, even if it’s no longer serving you. Thank it for its service, then consciously try something new instead of punishing yourself for defaulting to old patterns.
Actively invest in building and relying on a ‘chosen family’ or community, especially if your biological family was not supportive. Trust others to take care of you and allow yourself to be taken care of, as this reduces feelings of isolation and validates your worth.
As an emergency ‘stop button’ when feeling overwhelmed, start counting objects of a specific color in the room. This simple, visceral practice focuses attention on your surroundings and the present moment, short-circuiting the default mode network and calming you down.
Maintain a gratitude journal with two columns: one for wonderful things others have done for you, and another for ways you’ve contributed to others. This practice helps focus on positive interactions, counteracts self-loathing, and reinforces your capacity for generosity.
Understand that healing is not linear and involves making mistakes, but consistent practice of self-talk and other tools can significantly shorten negative emotional ‘ruts’ from months to hours. Keep practicing these skills repeatedly to make them more comfortable, easier, and quicker to access.
Record important conversations (e.g., therapy sessions), transcribe them, and review them closely with the other party. Analyze moments of misattunement, subject changes, or emotional shifts to intimately understand interaction patterns and improve communication.
Actively work to tell a different story about yourself and your experiences, especially if past diagnoses or circumstances have been pathologizing. This practice helps reclaim agency and shapes a narrative of healing and identity that is empowering rather than limiting.