How To Live Well—Even Amidst Failure, Uncertainty, Loss, and Physical Pain | Kieran Setiya

1. Acknowledge Reality, Don’t Deny

When facing difficult situations or emotions, sit with them and acknowledge what’s happening. This provides consolation, understanding, and allows for better orientation, rather than resorting to denial or immediate ‘fix-it’ mode.

2. Practice Non-Attachment

Instead of detachment or dissociation, engage in non-attachment by fully experiencing difficult emotions like grief. Investigate how they show up in your mind and body, allowing them to move through without being overwhelmed or compartmentalized.

3. Value the Process, Not Outcome

Consciously reframe activities to value the ongoing process (atelic activities) for their inherent worth in the moment, rather than solely focusing on the outcome. This reduces vulnerability to the success/failure dichotomy and fosters appreciation of the present.

4. Aim for Good Enough Life

Let go of the pursuit of an ‘ideal life’ or ‘dream life’ as these are often unrealistic and punitive. Instead, aim for a ‘good enough life’ by adapting to reality and being willing to pivot goals when circumstances change.

5. Expect Adversity, Be Flexible

Incorporate the expectation of adversity into your planning and goals, maintaining flexibility and an unrigid mindset. This allows for nimble adaptation in the face of ceaseless change, rather than being constrained by outdated ideals.

6. Reframe Missing Out

Recognize that missing out on other options is an inevitable side effect of living in a world with ’evaluative riches’ and many valuable choices. Understand that a world without such regrets would be impoverished.

7. Reframe Relationships After Loss

Understand that relationships with people who have died do not end but change. Actively reshape and maintain this ongoing relationship by consciously thinking about the role they can still play in your life.

8. Manage Chronic Pain Mindfully

When facing chronic pain or physical adversity, shift your goal from finding a cure to living a good enough life with the condition. Limit temporal focus to the present, concentrating on what can be done meaningfully today to reduce anxiety.

9. Resist ‘Failure’ as Identity

Resist the toxic idea that individual projects define you as a ‘failure’ or ’loser.’ Instead, view your life as having many projects, some of which will succeed and some will fail, without binding your identity to a single outcome.

10. Practice Meditation for Presence

Use meditation as a practical strategy to cultivate presence in the moment, appreciate simple things, and carry that orientation into daily life. This helps internalize philosophical insights beyond intellectual understanding.

11. Sit in the Dark with Others

When someone shares a problem, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or assurances. Instead, simply be present and acknowledge their reality, which provides profound consolation and connection.

12. Engage in Community

Surround yourself with a community that supports living an ‘atelic life’ – doing things for their inherent worth and enjoyment. This communal engagement can make valuing the process more vivid and easier to internalize.

13. Acknowledge Injustice, Act

Don’t look away from injustice and suffering in the world, as acknowledging it is part of living well. Focus on doing something, no matter how tiny, within your smaller communities to contribute to collective action.

14. Shift Hope, Don’t Give Up

When faced with difficult realities, reframe the question from ‘should we hope or despair?’ to ‘what should we hope for?’ Shift your hope towards the next reasonable, meaningful thing that could happen, even if original grand hopes are no longer possible.