Focus on the quality of your relationships with other people, as studies show this is what truly makes us happy and determines the quality of your life. Recognize that relationships are skills that can be honed through practice.
When you feel tempted to dismiss an idea or practice, view it as a potential sign that there might be something valuable worth investigating underneath your initial resistance.
Adopt the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice, derived from Buddhist tradition, as a regular routine (e.g., weekly) to refresh and strengthen your relationships, prevent difficulties from escalating, and resolve conflicts.
Start any relationship check-in or conflict resolution by expressing genuine appreciation for the other person, acknowledging their positive qualities and contributions to your life. This ‘waters the good seeds’ in them, strengthens your bond, and creates a buffer for future difficulties.
Actively look for and acknowledge the good in others, as ‘whatever we water grows.’ Regularly focusing on people’s strengths helps those qualities grow in them and counteracts your own negativity bias, fostering a more positive internal landscape.
Regularly express genuine regret for any unskillful actions or words, even small ones, to prevent ‘pebbles’ of unresolved issues from accumulating and damaging the relationship. This practice cleanses the relationship and can clarify misperceptions.
In a one-on-one setting, express your hurt by focusing on your own feelings and experiences (‘when you said/did this, I felt…’) rather than blaming the other person. This allows for healing and understanding without triggering defensiveness.
When expressing difficult feelings or concerns, use phrases like ’the story I’m telling myself is…’ to articulate your anxieties or perceptions without them landing as accusations. This prevents triggering the other person’s defensiveness.
When someone expresses their hurt, listen fully without immediately correcting their misperceptions. Allow them to release what’s inside, and if necessary, schedule a separate time to clarify your perspective once the intensity has subsided.
Share what’s currently happening in your life, including any difficulties or challenges, to provide context for your behavior. This helps others be more supportive, understanding, and prevents them from taking your actions or changes in behavior personally.
Adapt the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice to suit your relationships and preferences, letting go of overly formal elements if they cause resistance. You can combine it with special treats, create a specific atmosphere, or adjust the duration.
When introducing ‘Beginning Anew’ to others, especially those new to mindfulness, start by focusing only on the first two steps: expressing appreciation and regret. This builds a solid foundation before introducing more challenging steps.
Even if direct communication isn’t possible or safe, practice reconciliation within yourself by going through the steps of appreciating the person, acknowledging your contributions to the difficulty, and working towards forgiveness. This helps heal your own suffering.
Only engage in ‘Beginning Anew’ for conflict resolution when both parties are emotionally stable (at a ‘five or lower’ on an intensity scale of anger/resentment). Avoid using it when raging or wanting to ‘strangle the other person.’
Do not use the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice in situations involving abuse, a lack of respect for dignity and safety, or an inability of one person to take responsibility for their actions. This tool requires a baseline of trust and psychological stability.
Understand that a successful ‘Beginning Anew’ practice doesn’t always mean the relationship must continue in its previous form. It can be a heartfelt way to honor shared experiences and then respectfully part ways if that is the clear outcome.