Practice self-awareness to evaluate if your actions, delivery, or boundary issues are contributing to family drama, recognizing the cause-and-effect dynamic in relationships.
Avoid the victim mentality by recognizing and exercising your personal power and locus of control in situations, understanding that you have agency to change your circumstances rather than blaming external factors.
Before jumping in to help others, especially those who cannot reciprocate, ensure your own needs are met and you are taken care of, to avoid personal depletion.
Understand that your role in a relationship is not to change the other person; instead, focus on improving interactions by changing your own perspective and approach.
Step outside of predefined family titles (e.g., “mother,” “father,” “brother”) and the associated expectations, striving to see and relate to family members as individual people to improve interactions.
Be compassionate and understand others’ situations, but maintain boundaries and expectations for them to improve, avoiding “idiot compassion” that harms yourself or enables unhealthy behavior.
Set boundaries with kindness and compassion, but understand that the other person is entitled to their reaction, which may be chaotic or aggressive, and this does not mean your delivery was wrong.
Do not use shame as a tactic to change people’s behavior, as it is ineffective and often mean; instead, it can be triggering and make them engage in the very behaviors you’re trying to prevent.
When addressing concerns with family members, approach with love and open-ended questions to understand their perspective, fostering a “carefantation” rather than a confrontational or shaming approach.
Cultivate self-awareness to understand your true motivations when deciding to help family members, ensuring your actions are not driven by laziness or taking the path of least resistance.
Explore creative ways to help people without always putting yourself directly in the mix, such as referring them to external resources, suggesting books, or coordinating collective support from multiple individuals.
Before interacting with a difficult family member, clearly define the purpose of the contact (e.g., celebrating a holiday, maintaining a relationship) to guide your approach and expectations.
Recognize and exercise your right to decide the frequency and duration of your interactions with family members, even if those choices feel uncomfortable, as it is healthy for you.
As an adult, you have the right to decide what topics are off-limits and what personal information you choose to share with family, even if it goes against past family norms.
You are not obligated to engage in every family conversation or argument; it’s okay to remain silent, disengage, and prioritize your values rather than “unbecoming yourself” to fit in.
Avoid automatic and reflexive siding with your own views or assuming your stories about family members are correct, as this non-attachment is a crucial tool for navigating difficult family life.
Do not get attached to a single narrative about family members (e.g., “my mother is emotionally unavailable”); instead, be open to incorporating other information and their perspectives to see them as whole individuals.
See family drama not just as a burden, but as an opportunity to build communication skills, confront difficult issues, correct intergenerational patterns, and foster personal healing.
Take responsibility for your choices in relationships by intentionally deciding how you want to show up and what actions you will take, rather than solely expecting others to do the work.
If you choose to remain in difficult family relationships, intentionally plan strategies and boundaries to maintain your sanity and well-being.
Actively participate in therapy, practice self-honesty, repair relationships, and set boundaries as a strategic, ongoing process to manage family drama and promote personal healing.
If you are a therapist, have your own therapist to process client experiences and prevent re-experiencing trauma, ensuring you can maintain professional distance and well-being.
Recognize that family dysfunction extends beyond trauma and abuse to include common issues like sibling rivalry, in-law conflicts, and parents controlling adult children, allowing for a more comprehensive approach to managing relationships.
Understand that you cannot save people from themselves; while compassion is important, individuals must ultimately take responsibility for their own change and actions.
When witnessing harmful behavior, such as a child hitting another, intervene directly by physically preventing the action and clearly stating that the behavior is not allowed, rather than stepping aside.
Encourage family members to share their past experiences and backstories, as understanding their journey can humanize them, deepen your compassion, and help release resentment.
While the decision to end a relationship is personal, consider severing ties, particularly in cases of sexual abuse or incest, if continuing the relationship severely impacts your emotional and mental capacity to heal and move forward.
Recognize that estrangement isn’t just an on/off switch; you can choose physical estrangement (no contact) or emotional estrangement (keeping emotional distance while maintaining some contact) as a way to protect yourself within family relationships.
Actively cultivate a “family of choice” among friends or other individuals who align with your values and needs, providing a supportive network beyond your biological family.
Do not engage in “toxic forgiveness” by pretending to let go or forgiving merely for appearances, as this leads to passive-aggressive behaviors and prevents genuine resolution of underlying issues.
Recognize that forgiveness does not equate to forgetting; it is acceptable to remember past offenses without allowing them to control your emotions or actions in the present.
If an issue continues to bother you long-term, it’s acceptable to revisit the conversation with the person involved, even if it has been discussed before, rather than suppressing your feelings.
Understand that forgiving someone does not mean you must allow them back into your life or continue the relationship, especially if the offense was egregious or damaging.
When suggesting therapy to a family member, phrase it with concern and an offer of support (e.g., “I’m concerned about your health, have you thought about talking to a therapist?”) rather than a blunt “you need therapy,” and respect their autonomy to accept or decline.
If a parent was abusive, prioritize your children’s safety by requiring the abuser to acknowledge and process their past actions before allowing contact, or consider supervised visitation or no contact at all.
If in-laws are difficult, accept them as they are and aim for a cordial, not necessarily close, relationship; allow your partner to manage most of their family interactions to protect your peace.
In step-parenting, prioritize building a relationship with the child before attempting discipline; communicate concerns with your partner and seek to understand the underlying needs or motivations behind behaviors like lying, rather than labeling the child.
If you experience family dysfunction, seek out others who share similar stories to feel more connected and less alone, as many people face these issues but don’t openly discuss them.
Empower yourself by actively assessing what can be repaired, discarded, reviewed, or unlearned within your family dynamics, focusing on what you can do differently rather than feeling helpless.
If someone denies an issue, consistently and gently pursue conversations of concern by pointing out specific observed behaviors and asking for their perspective, rather than accepting immediate denial.