To cultivate self-compassion, first, be mindful of your suffering; second, bring in kindness and warmth; and third, cultivate a sense of common humanity by recognizing that others also suffer.
Start self-compassion by intentionally pausing and asking yourself, ‘How am I doing emotionally? What am I feeling?’ to become aware of your struggles and physical sensations.
When feeling stress, place a hand on the area of your body where you feel it and imagine flooding yourself with kindness, warmth, care, concern, and reassurance to calm the parasympathetic nervous system.
Actively contemplate that your struggles are shared by billions of people, which helps counter feelings of isolation and fosters a sense of shared humanity.
Find or create phrases that genuinely resonate with you (e.g., ‘I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, darling,’ ‘It’s going to be okay,’ ‘You aren’t alone’) to offer yourself kindness, rather than using generic phrases that might create resistance.
Cultivate an inner compassionate voice to engage in a dialogue with your inner critical voice, recognizing that these are different perspectives or habit patterns within yourself.
Instead of using harsh self-criticism (‘cattle prod’), motivate yourself with warm encouragement and care, as research shows this approach is more effective and avoids negative side effects like stress and anxiety.
Understand that self-acceptance means you are okay as a human being even if your behavior isn’t ideal; use this self-care to motivate healthier actions because you care about yourself.
After initial emergency tasks are handled, intentionally pause (e.g., morning or evening) to feel and validate the stress you are experiencing, acknowledging that it is difficult.
Recognize that suffering and difficult situations are a part of life, which helps to soften resistance to reality and reduces self-inflicted suffering.
Understand that happiness is not dependent on external circumstances but rather on how you relate to what’s happening, allowing for a more steady internal state.
To survive difficult situations like a pandemic, consciously practice patience, flexibility, and humor, and remember to give yourself a break.
Understand that self-compassion is not laziness; it’s about going easy without going soft, using an inner ‘cattle prod’ sparingly, and distinguishing between healthy high standards and self-defeating perfectionism.
Aim for high standards and try your best (healthy perfectionism), but if you don’t reach your goals, use self-compassion instead of self-criticism to avoid anxiety, fear of failure, and giving up.
Use self-compassion to discern when to accept unchangeable circumstances and when to actively try to change things, always aiming to alleviate suffering.
Unpack the underlying wholesome desires (e.g., to thrive, be happy) that drive perfectionism, then assess if your current approach is actually serving those desires or causing unnecessary suffering.
When working, aim for ‘good enough’ rather than perfect, especially when the extra effort for perfection would take a significant toll on your resources.
Listen to your inner needs in the moment and allow yourself to take downtime, even if it means pausing productivity, recognizing that it’s ‘good enough’ to step away.
Accept that life is messy and you will make mistakes; instead of aiming for perfection, aim to be compassionate towards whatever form the ‘mess’ takes in any given moment.
Recognize that guilt (regret for harmful actions) can be helpful for repair, while shame (believing ‘I am bad’) is unhelpful; use self-compassion to address guilt constructively without falling into shame.
When feeling guilt or questioning actions, ask if your behavior is genuinely harming or helping yourself and others, rather than self-castigating based on perceived privilege.
Understand that taking care of your own happiness and well-being provides you with more resources to help others and fosters more positive interactions.
Allow yourself to experience happiness, joy, or pleasure without guilt, as these moments fortify you and enable you to be more effective and helpful in difficult situations.
Step back and consider the big picture of what you need to get through difficult times, recognizing that some behaviors (e.g., comfort eating) that might normally be unhelpful could temporarily enhance well-being.
Practice asking yourself daily or even moment-to-moment, ‘What do I need right now to be healthy and happy?’ and pause for the answer to come to you.
Before eating, ask yourself ‘What sounds good?’ and ‘How do I want to feel?’ to make more intentional food choices.
Use the common humanity component of self-compassion to recognize that feelings of loneliness and suffering are universally shared, which helps to cut through the illusion of isolation.
When feeling lonely or lacking connection, consciously give yourself the words of affirmation, love, and care you would want to hear from a friend or partner.
Embrace the mantra ’the only way out is through’ by accepting pain with kindness and compassion, which allows it to eventually pass and helps soften the grip of the separate self.
Keep in mind that unexpected events are a constant in life, which helps prepare for disruptions and prevents attachment to rigid plans.
In initial emergency phases, it can be useful to compartmentalize emotional stress to focus on practical tasks like securing supplies, then address emotions later.