<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>Emotionally immature people can wreck your life. One of our most popular guests returns to teach you how to make sure they don't.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> </p> <p>Our relationships are the most important variable in our health and happiness, but they may also be the most difficult. This is especially true when those closest to us turn out to be emotionally immature people.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Lindsay C. Gibson is a clinical psychologist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people identify and deal with emotionally immature people, or EIP's. Her first appearance on our show was one of our most popular episodes of 2022. Now she's back to offer concrete strategies for handling the EIP's in your life, wherever you may find them. Her new book is called <em>Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People.</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>A primer on the cardinal characteristics of emotionally immature people (EIP's), how to spot them, and why you might want to</li> <li>What Lindsay means by "disentangling" from EIP's, and how to do it</li> <li>What often happens to your own sense of self when you're in relationship (or even just in conversation) with an EIP </li> <li>How to interact with an EIP </li> <li>How to prevent brain scramble when you're talking with someone who isn't making any attempt to understand what you're saying </li> <li>How she reacts when she comes across EIP's in her everyday life</li> <li>Whether it's possible to have some immature characteristics without being an EIP</li> <li>Handling your own emotionally immature tendencies </li> <li>Whether or not EIP's can change</li> <li>The limits of estrangement</li> <li>Why she encourages "alternatives to forgiveness"</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/lindsay-c-gibson-617" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/lindsay-gibson-791</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Book Mentioned:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://www.newharbinger.com/9781648481512/disentangling-from-emotionally-immature-people/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Other Resources Mentioned:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://radiopublic.com/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harr-WwE9m8/s1!4b8e7" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Lindsay's first appearance on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Additional Resources:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Reclaim Your Individuality & Worth
Actively work to reconceptualize yourself as an important individual, real on the inside, and just as important as everyone else, especially if you’ve been conditioned by emotionally immature relationships. Seek out relationships with emotionally mature people (EMPs) who recognize your individuality, treat you as real, and help you develop your sense of self and agency.
2. Establish Inner Boundaries with EIPs
Develop a strong sense of self-possession and inner boundaries to distinguish your wants and needs from those of emotionally immature people (EIPs). This prevents being manipulated or consumed by their expectations, allowing you to be yourself even when in relationship with them.
3. Observe EIP Dynamics Objectively
When you feel taken advantage of or notice the relationship is skewed towards an EIP’s benefit, become very observant and objective. Narrate their behavior to yourself to increase your perspective and avoid being pulled into emotional reactivity, which EIPs exploit.
4. Interact with EIPs with Clear Goals
When facing a difficult interaction with an EIP, set a discreet, realistic goal focused on what you want to accomplish, not on changing them. Remain self-possessed, calm, and repeat your point clearly and consistently, as EIPs often back off when met with unwavering persistence.
5. Prevent Brain Scramble in EIP Interactions
Understand that feeling disoriented, confused, or unable to articulate your thoughts during difficult conversations with an EIP is a normal side effect of their non-listening and evasive style. Prepare with a simplified, focused outcome in mind to avoid being pulled off track and maintain your position.
6. Recognize Your Own Immature Tendencies
Pay attention to moments when you display egocentric or emotionally immature behaviors, often learned from childhood. Use self-reflection to question if this is how you want to be, and actively choose to nurture different responses, leading to increased self-esteem and alignment with your principles.
7. Spot Emotionally Immature People (EIPs)
Learn to identify EIPs by their egocentrism, poor empathy, lack of self-reflection, and tendency to externalize blame, especially under stress or in intimate relationships. Spotting these traits early helps you avoid deeply entangled relationships where you become their emotional caretaker.
8. Address Internalized Patterns Post-Estrangement
If you’ve estranged yourself from an EIP, recognize that you may still carry internalized beliefs, attitudes, or feelings of inadequacy from that relationship. Seek therapy or self-work to address these patterns and strengthen your inner individuality, rather than expecting estrangement alone to solve everything.
9. Consider Alternatives to Forgiveness
Do not force yourself to forgive an EIP, as genuine forgiveness cannot be rushed and is not a prerequisite for mental health. Instead, focus on working through your feelings about what happened and gaining understanding or compassion for the EIP’s limitations, which can reduce anger without requiring full forgiveness.
10. Understand EIP Motivation (Not Malice)
Recognize that EIPs are often driven by fear and inadequacy, not conscious malice, and use defensive maneuvers to avoid inner fears. This understanding can help you avoid being pulled into their dynamic by a sense of moral obligation or guilt.
11. EIP Change Requires Self-Reflection
Understand that an emotionally immature person can only change if they develop self-reflection, often triggered by significant external consequences. Approach interactions with realistic expectations, as you have no control over their fundamental change.