<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>Today's guest, Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, gives advice for dealing with emotionally immature people— whether they are your parents, boss, spouse or childhood friend, she offers practical tools to help navigate these difficult relationships. </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> </p> <p>Emotionally immature people (EIP's) are hard to avoid and most of us, if not all of us, have to deal with them at some point in our lives. These interactions can range from mildly annoying to genuinely traumatic, especially if the emotionally immature people in question are our own parents, which is true for an awful lot of us.</p> <p> </p> <p>Today's guest, clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, gives advice for dealing with emotionally immature people, whether they're your parents or not. She has written a sleeper hit book on the subject called, <a href="https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents</em></a>. </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>The signs of emotional immaturity</li> <li>Whether or not I'm emotionally immature</li> <li>What happens to children who are raised by emotionally immature parents, including their signature coping strategies</li> <li>Why adult children of EIP's turn to healing fantasies, and how to let them go</li> <li>How to cope with emotionally immature parents as an adult</li> <li>What role compassion should and should not play in your relationship with EIP's</li> <li>How to heal</li> </ul> <p> </p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/lindsay-gibson-497" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/lindsay-gibson-2022-rerun</a></p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Books Mentioned</strong>:</p> <ul> <li><a href="https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents</em></a></li> <li><a href="http://www.drlindsaygibson.com/books.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Who You Were Meant to Be: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Life's Purpose</em></a></li> <li><a href="https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684032525/recovering-from-emotionally-immature-parents/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy</em></a></li> <li><a href="https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684039821/self-care-for-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self, and Live with Confidence</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/disentangling-from-emotionally-immature-people-lindsay-c-gibson-psyd/1141749969" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents </em></a></li> </ul> <p> </p> <p><strong>Other Resources Mentioned:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://lisafeldmanbarrett.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Lisa Feldman Barrett</a></li> </ul> <p> </p> <p><strong>Help Dan out and take our </strong><a href="https://reactorresearch.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1ZEbymOeuPPf4qO" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>audience survey</strong></a><strong> — we'll thank you with 10% off all merch at </strong><a href="http://shop.danharris.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>shop.danharris.com</strong></a><strong>! The survey is available at </strong><a href="http://tinyurl.com/tphpod" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>tinyurl.com/tphpod</strong></a><strong>.</strong></p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Additional Resources:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul> <p> </p>
Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Awareness & Nurturing
Engage in self-discovery, potentially through practices like mindfulness or meditation, to build a strong sense of self and inner strength, especially if you were raised by emotionally immature parents (EIPs) who didn’t encourage self-expression or emotional connection.
2. Understand Emotional Immaturity
Learn and apply the concept of emotional immaturity to understand that difficult behaviors from others stem from their immaturity, not from your own failings, providing a roadmap to depersonalize their actions and reduce self-blame.
3. Let Go of Healing Fantasies
Release the ‘healing fantasy’ that you can find a ‘magic key’ to transform an emotionally immature person into having a deep, empathetic relationship with you, as this expectation is unrealistic and will likely lead to frustration. Instead, aim for realistic, pleasant interactions without expecting deep emotional exchange.
4. Master Your Own Reactivity
Focus on mastering your own reactivity and staying conscious and observant during interactions with EIPs, rather than trying to control or change them, as your internal response is what you can truly influence. This prevents you from becoming a set of reactions like them.
5. Trust Self-Protective Instincts
Reconnect with and trust your self-protective instincts, paying attention to what hurts or makes you feel bad around EIPs, as this awareness is crucial for your emotional safety and for finding reciprocal relationships.
6. Detach and Observe EIPs
When interacting with an EIP, consciously detach and observe their behavior and its effects on you, using your conceptual understanding of emotional immaturity to name and understand what’s happening without immediate reaction.
7. Express Needs, Release Expectations
Express your needs or thoughts to an emotionally immature person for your own benefit, not with the expectation that they will change or have a satisfying emotional exchange, as they are unlikely to be reciprocal.
8. Focus on Interaction Outcomes
Approach interactions with EIPs with a clear, focused goal for the outcome you desire, aiming for a successful interaction rather than trying to improve the relationship or achieve emotional intimacy.
9. Manage EIP Interactions Yourself
Take responsibility for managing the interaction with an EIP, understanding that you cannot expect emotional openness or reciprocity from them, to avoid frustration and invalidation.
10. Set Boundaries, Optimal Distance
Set clear boundaries and maintain an optimal distance from EIPs by limiting contact or the duration of interactions, which helps preserve the relationship while preventing emotional drain.
11. Avoid Rescuer Role with EIPs
Step out of the ‘rescuer role’ with EIPs who present themselves as victims, as over-identifying with their problems or offering excessive empathy is ineffective and will not lead to genuine change or appreciation from them.
12. Be Slippery, Sidestep EIPs
Employ ‘slippery and sidestepping’ tactics, such as saying ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I can’t answer that right now,’ as a gentle yet strategic way to avoid being controlled or drawn into unproductive conflict by an EIP.
13. Acknowledge Feelings, Not Demands
Acknowledge an EIP’s feelings (e.g., ‘I know you’re upset’) without agreeing to their demands or taking responsibility for their emotional state, thereby validating their emotion while maintaining your boundaries.
14. Lead Conversations with EIPs
Take control of interactions with EIPs by leading the conversation, changing the subject, introducing new topics, or asking questions to steer it in a more productive direction.
15. Create Space, Limit Exposure
Create physical and temporal space for yourself by leaving the room, limiting exposure, or even cutting off contact if necessary, to protect your energy and well-being from draining interactions with EIPs.
16. Use Persistence and Repetition
Employ persistence and calm repetition of your position or desired outcome when dealing with EIPs, as their lack of staying power means they are unprepared for this methodical approach and will eventually be worn down.
17. Allow Compassion to Evolve
Allow compassion for EIPs to evolve naturally over time as you gain deeper understanding of their history and struggles, rather than forcing it prematurely, especially since EIPs often use appeals for sympathy to manipulate.
18. Meet Needs Beyond EIPs
Recognize that you don’t need to get your emotional needs met by the EIPs in your life; instead, cultivate self-sufficiency and seek fulfilling relationships with emotionally mature individuals or through self-work.
19. Recognize Your Own Maturity
If you find yourself wondering whether you are emotionally immature, you are likely not, because the act of self-reflection and questioning indicates a level of emotional maturity that EIPs typically lack.
20. Emotional Immaturity is Distinct
Recognize that emotional immaturity is a specific developmental arrest in the emotional realm, distinct from intellectual or social competence, to avoid being surprised or misled by a person’s apparent competence in other areas.