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How To Deal With Difficult Emotions, Difficult Feedback, and Difficult Parts of Your Own Mind | Diane Musho Hamilton

Apr 16, 2025 1h 7m 17 insights
<p dir="ltr">Cross-training for your mind.</p> <p dir="ltr"><a href="https://www.dianemushohamilton.com/">Diane Musho Hamilton</a> is an author, award-winning mediator, and teacher of Zen. She is the author of three books on conflict resolution, relationships, and communication. Her latest book is <a href="https://www.shambhala.com/waking-up-and-growing-up.html?srsltid=AfmBOorULumI5Nwnp9RIdCw0xTtoX83x7w9EoIJnII0Jjl2iw1QDY5u_"> Waking Up and Growing Up: Spiritual Cross-training for an Evolving World</a>, co-authored with Gabriel Wilson.</p> <p dir="ltr">Diane is one of many great teachers featured on Waking Up, a top-notch meditation app with amazing teachers and a ton of courses for all levels. If you subscribe via this link: <a href="http://wakingup.com/tenpercent">wakingup.com/tenpercent</a>, you'll get a 30-day free trial—and you'll be supporting the 10% Happier team, too. Full and partial scholarships are available.</p> <p dir="ltr">In this episode we talk about:</p> <ul> <li dir="ltr">What Diane means by spiritual cross training and waking up </li> <li dir="ltr">Cultivating emotional maturity</li> <li dir="ltr">Foundations of Zen practice</li> <li dir="ltr">Integrating shadow and psyche</li> <li dir="ltr">The key aspects of living with purpose </li> <li dir="ltr">The value of intention setting</li> <li dir="ltr">Ethical action and community</li> </ul> <p>Sign up for Dan's newsletter <a href="http://www.danharris.com">here</a></p> <p dir="ltr">Follow Dan on social: <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5">Instagram</a>, <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J">TikTok</a></p> <p dir="ltr">Ten Percent Happier online <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY">bookstore</a></p> <p dir="ltr">Subscribe to our <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD">YouTube Channel</a></p> <p dir="ltr">Our favorite playlists on: <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT">Anxiety</a>, <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF">Sleep</a>, <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J">Relationships</a>, <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc">Most Popular Episodes</a></p> <p dir="ltr"> </p> <p dir="ltr">Additional Resources: </p> <ul> <li dir="ltr"> <p dir="ltr"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qo4uPxhUzU">Dan's panic attack on live TV</a></p> </li> </ul>
Actionable Insights

1. Embrace Spiritual Cross-Training

Engage in “spiritual cross-training” by developing both “waking up” (meditation, expansive awareness) and “growing up” (emotional maturity, interpersonal skills, physical well-being). This holistic approach ensures insights are applied effectively in the world and supports overall personal evolution.

2. Establish Formal Meditation Practice

Cultivate a regular seated meditation practice (like Zazen or Shikantaza) as a fundamental ground for learning and transformation. This practice creates an open mental space, fostering better learning and deeper self-awareness.

3. Transmute Difficult Emotions

Practice “transmutation of emotion” by fully feeling emotions, then pausing the accompanying narrative, and focusing solely on bodily sensations with breath. This process allows coherence to return, making your subsequent cognition more trustworthy and your responses more mature.

4. Integrate Shadow Aspects (3-2-1)

Address unacknowledged parts of yourself through “shadow work” using the 3-2-1 technique: 1) Complain about a disliked quality in another; 2) Address that part directly (e.g., in a journal); 3) Own that quality as part of yourself, even a small amount, to transform your relationship to it and others.

5. Set Clear Intentions Daily

Regularly set clear intentions, such as dedicating daily activities to personal growth and the benefit of others, as this practice guides your attention and helps counteract self-centeredness. This fosters “wise selfishness” and contributes to overall well-being.

6. Act with Compassion, Not Hate

In conflict or political action, choose compassion as your fuel instead of hatred or rage, even when taking tough stands. Compassion allows for more effective action, reduces burnout, and minimizes internal toxicity, without condoning harmful behavior.

7. Transform Negative Emotional Energy

Recognize that negative emotions can transmute into positive qualities (e.g., anger to clarity, grief to compassion, fear to life force). This transformation occurs when you strip away egoic self-centeredness and use the emotion’s energy for the benefit of the whole.

8. Discover Purpose by Listening

To find your life’s purpose or vocation, shift your focus from “what do I want?” to “what are people telling me?” and actively listen to feedback about your natural talents or areas where you are helpful. This external perspective can reveal unexpected and fulfilling paths.

9. Establish Ethical Agreements in Relationships

Create clear ethical agreements within your relationships and communities to define how you will treat each other. These shared “rules of the road” foster common intention and enable practices like mutual support, honest communication, and balancing challenge with safety.

10. Cultivate Conflict-Capable Communities

When seeking communities, prioritize those that know how to deal with conflict and difference, not just conformity. The ability to surface distinctions, be interested in opposing views, and integrate them is crucial for healthy group evolution and authentic engagement.

11. Start Meditation with Natural Presence

Begin meditating by accepting it as a natural state of mind you already experience. Notice ordinary moments of quiet presence (like watching a sunset or relaxing in a bath), then intentionally extend these moments for 5-10 minutes, gently returning to the present sensation when distracted.

12. Practice Emotional Coherence Pause

When overwhelmed by strong emotions, consciously decide to work with the feeling by giving yourself permission to experience all aspects (thoughts, feelings, body sensations). Then, pause the narrative, move into your body, and simply feel the sensations using your breath until coherence returns and your cognition becomes more trustworthy.

13. Ask ‘What’s Right About This?’

When receiving tough feedback, develop the habit of asking yourself, “What’s right about this?” to find even a small piece of truth. This helps you reframe the situation and respond constructively rather than defensively, improving your ability to learn from criticism.

14. Remind Yourself You’re ‘For’ Others

To improve cognition and reduce defensiveness during stressful interactions, cognitively remind yourself that you can be “for” the other person, even if you don’t like them. This practice helps create new neural pathways and makes your thinking more reliable.

15. Join Growth-Oriented Communities

To support personal growth and shadow work, actively seek and join communities where people are engaged in self-liberation and learning. This environment normalizes challenges, reduces feelings of exposure, and accelerates personal change.

16. Deepen Intentions with Vows

Consider taking vows, which are intentions joined with heartfelt devotion, to commit your whole body and mind to living out a particular path or principle. This makes your commitments more profound and embodied than purely cognitive intentions.

17. Embrace Patience in Growth Journey

Approach personal and spiritual growth as a lifelong curriculum, rather than something to be accomplished quickly. Trust that you will integrate and learn different practices at the right time, guided by your natural curiosity or current life challenges.