Engage in “calling in” instead of “calling out” when dealing with disagreements or perceived wrongs. This approach insists on grace, rejects dehumanization, and avoids alienating potential allies, fostering constructive engagement.
When someone says or does something you disagree with, pause and give them the benefit of the doubt before reacting. You might have misinterpreted it, they might have misstated it, or they may regret past actions, allowing you to “peer into their heart instead of just react to their words.”
Hold people accountable for their actions using grace and forgiveness, rather than anger and punishment. This approach avoids using punitive techniques on others and acknowledges that everyone makes mistakes.
Learn to meet the human beings behind the hatred and strive to see their humanity, even in those who have committed terrible acts. Through direct interaction and understanding their stories, it becomes very hard to continue to hate them, opening the possibility for change.
Focus on protecting your personal integrity rather than your reputation. Your reputation is what others think they know about you, but your integrity is what you know about yourself, and you are the person you have to sleep with every night.
Tailor your communication style and language to the specific audience you are addressing. This helps bridge divides and find common values, especially when dealing with people who may be “repelled by your jargon” but share similar values.
Use values-driven language when talking to people with different perspectives, rather than insider jargon. This helps connect with them on a deeper level and avoids assumptions that they lack agreeable values.
To develop the reflex of “calling in,” examine your personal history regarding accountability and how your fight, flight, or freeze instincts were formed as a child. Understanding these patterns helps you make different choices and avoid robbing yourself of peace, happiness, and sanity by carrying grudges.
Actively engage with people or situations that challenge your deeply held negative beliefs or hatreds. Through direct interaction and understanding their stories, you can erode your own hatred and see the humanity behind their actions.
Be present and supportive for people who choose to give up hate or harmful ideologies. As Reverend C.T. Vivian taught, when you ask people to give up hate, you need to be there for them when they do, aiding their re-entry into society.
When confronting someone about a past mistake, prioritize understanding their current growth and perspective, rather than weaponizing old knowledge against them. This allows for forgiveness and acknowledges that people can change.
In movements or collaborative efforts, prioritize doing the work together to build relationships and trust. You discover who people truly are by working with them, rather than waiting for bonds of relationship and trust to form through discussions.
Recognize that social justice movements are organizing spaces to overcome injustice, not personal therapy spaces for individual guilt or trauma. This prevents the movement from being bogged down by personal issues and keeps its focus on collective action and systemic change.
If you are white and examining your whiteness, strive to cultivate “white courage” by learning about white abolitionists and allies, rather than dwelling in “white guilt” or “fragility.” This shifts the focus from immutable characteristics and guilt to active participation in overcoming injustice.
Distinguish between harmful ideologies (e.g., white supremacy) and the people who adhere to them. This allows for effective work against the ideology itself without dehumanizing all individuals associated with it.
Cultivate the capacity to criticize systems and individuals you disagree with, while simultaneously reserving the right to see the humanity in everyone. This allows for a nuanced and complicated approach to the world, enabling you to hold people accountable without dehumanizing them.
Strive to see things as they are, rather than as you wish they were. This realistic perspective allows you to effectively build the changes you want to see by paying attention to reality.
Adopt an experimental approach when trying to change human hearts and minds. Like scientific experiments, it may take many attempts to find the “sweet spot” that works, and it’s unproductive to get mad when strategies don’t immediately succeed.
Cultivate hope and resilience, especially by drawing on the strength of your ancestors and the human spirit. Hope is essential for survival and for building a better world, even when facing significant challenges and despair.
Realize and accept that you are often the creator of your own unhappiness. This self-awareness empowers you to make different choices and find peace, rather than solely blaming external circumstances.
Be open to finding “astonishing grace” in the most unlikely people and places. This perspective allows you to see the wonderful potential in the world and avoid judging people solely by their social location or privileges.
Reflect on your current behavior: identify situations where you wish you could speak up but don’t, and recall past instances of bravery. This helps build on your existing strengths and address internal barriers, fostering a healthier and more generous presence in the world.
Resist the impulse to withhold your honest thoughts or “perform” due to fear of being called out or pilloried. Withholding honest selves impoverishes the “shared pool of knowledge” and prevents genuine discourse, leading to a culture of fear and curated communication.
When addressing perceived wrongs, avoid using criticism for “self-aggrandizement” or to send “woke signals” or “virtue signals.” This approach can lead to exaggerated accusations and lose the opportunity for genuine resolution.
When someone uses offensive language, address it by explaining how it hurts you and asking them to choose different words, especially in your presence. This allows for a conversation without “blowing up the relationship” or making assumptions about their character, giving them a choice to respect your feelings.
Be critical of punishing people for things they did a long time ago, especially mistakes made when they were younger. People change and grow, and it’s important to investigate where they are now and give them the grace of expecting they learned from it.