Learn to communicate better as it is a learnable skill and the most powerful, accessible lever for positive change across all areas of your life.
Recognize that qualities like happiness, patience, and focus are learnable skills. Develop these capacities through intentional behavior, conscious use of attention, and application of intention, leveraging neuroplasticity.
Cultivate the ability to be truly present with another human being in conversations, being aware of yourself and sensing what’s happening for the other person. This is the foundation for effective and meaningful dialogue.
Learn to be aware of your default intentions in communication, such as trying to win or be right. Train yourself to come from a place of curiosity and care instead, recognizing the cost of unhelpful intentions on relationships.
Adopt the intention to understand others, as it is the most powerful and transformative intention in communication and dialogue. When others feel understood, they are more willing to listen to you.
Consciously choose where to place your attention in conversations, focusing on elements that foster understanding rather than disagreements or past issues. This shapes your internal atmosphere and improves outcomes.
Understand that conflicts often arise from differing strategies, but all human beings share the same fundamental basic needs or core values. Noticing this deeper level of experience creates more room for understanding and collaboration.
Learn to understand not just what you think you want, but ‘why’ you want it, by identifying the underlying needs or values that matter to you. This self-awareness allows for more choice and fosters collaboration.
When engaging in unhealthy habits (e.g., mindless eating, smoking), pause to identify the underlying need you are trying to meet, such as pleasure, relief, or grounding. Awareness of these needs enables you to make healthier choices.
Shift your perspective to view conflict and differences as opportunities to learn and deepen your relationships. Creating the right conditions can lead to stronger connections on the other side.
In communication, train your attention to notice what actually happened, focusing on clear observations rather than interpretations, judgments, or evaluations. This provides useful, actionable feedback.
Become aware of your actual emotions (e.g., hurt, frustration, confusion) rather than stories about what others did to you (e.g., feeling betrayed, attacked). This self-awareness prevents reacting solely to created narratives.
After identifying your feelings, ask ‘why’ they are present by pinpointing the underlying needs or values that truly matter to you in the situation. If something didn’t matter, you wouldn’t be thinking about it.
After understanding observations, feelings, and needs, formulate a clear request to move the conversation or problem forward one step. Focus on creating understanding and connection, not just the ultimate solution.
When receiving criticism or judgment, don’t listen to what people think about you; instead, listen for their underlying feelings and unmet needs. All judgment can be understood as a counterproductive expression of unmet needs.
To defuse a charged situation, reflect back to the person what you are hearing about their feelings and what matters to them. This demonstrates understanding and can transform conflicts.
Avoid trying to learn communication skills during active conflict when emotions are high. Instead, practice and train yourself in low-stakes, relaxed, everyday conversations to build foundational awareness and presence.
Recognize that casual conversations meet important human needs for healthy social connection, belonging, and ease. This social engagement soothes the nervous system and helps you regulate and relax.
For any emotionally charged interaction, pick up the phone or meet in person rather than communicating over email or social media. Digital mediums are often tone-deaf and ripe for misunderstanding.
Cultivate the ability to pause before hitting ‘send’ on emails or messages, especially if they are emotionally charged. This prevents impulsive communication that can lead to weeks of ‘cleaning up a mess’.
Before sending digital messages, check your intention and the kind of energy you are putting out into the world. Model values like respect, empathy, and mutual understanding through your choice of words.
In meetings or collaborative settings, genuinely ask for other people’s input rather than just asserting your own views. This leads to better end products, more enjoyable processes, and stronger relationships.
If you hold a position of power, consciously use communication tools to make it easy for others to dissent or offer differing perspectives. This fosters trust and better decision-making.
Recognize the limits of your influence and let go of the need to control your world. The more you try to control what is beyond your influence, the more you will suffer.
Align yourself with ‘small t truth’ – the way things actually are, such as the fact that it feels better not to be a jerk. This alignment with reality will lead to less suffering.
Translate your meditation practice into interpersonal interactions by consciously bringing mindfulness into your conversations and relationships. This can be seen as an ‘interpersonal meditation’.
When in a difficult moment with someone, use skills of grounding and being present to prevent your mind from spiraling into unproductive thoughts. Pausing and centering yourself is key for effective conversation.
Employ simple physical anchors, like taking a breath or holding a stone, to help you remember to be present during conversations. These tools can bring you back to the moment.
Be clear about what you want, but always recognize that relationships are a fundamental part of what matters to us as human beings. Seek ways to meet your needs without sacrificing goodwill or trust.
Seek opportunities to genuinely give and contribute to others, not out of obligation or threat, but because you want to. This free contribution is a source of happiness and joy.
When you become aware of an intention that feels unhealthy (e.g., trying to make someone like you), pause and ask yourself what you actually need. This opens up more options than just pursuing the unhealthy intention.
Given choices that meet your needs equally, always choose the option that causes less harm. Human beings naturally prefer not to hurt others unless there’s an underlying disturbance.
In conflicts, strive to create situations where all underlying concerns can be addressed to make things work as best as possible for everyone involved. This moves beyond fixating on specific outcomes.
When engaging in dialogue, especially on contentious topics, make it a cardinal rule not to try to change anyone’s mind. This creates space for mutual understanding without defensiveness.
Instead of seeking agreement, aim for ‘accurate disagreement’ by trying to understand correctly what the other person feels and why. This humanizes each other and reduces demonization.
Do not cut straight to the chase by focusing on the ultimate solution or demanding specific actions. Instead, ‘dial it back’ and request a conversation to explore the situation further.
Actively seek to understand where others are coming from, recognizing they may have reasons you don’t know about. Also, ensure you are clear in your own communication so others understand you.
When someone expresses judgment or blame, understand it as a ‘counterproductive and tragic expression of their unmet needs.’ This reframing helps you respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Recognize that conversation is an organic, non-linear process that takes time, listening, pausing, and breathing. It’s not like instant digital communication, and it doesn’t always go in a straight line.
Learn to be at ease and in a flow with the ‘messiness’ of conversation, accepting its natural, non-linear, and sometimes unpredictable nature. This reduces internal tension and rigidity.
Apply communication skills online by choosing words carefully, being aware of your intention, and taking time to pause and slow down. This helps overcome the tone-deaf nature of digital mediums.