<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p>There seems to be one clear bug in the human operating system — most of us do not like talking about death. Yet when we do talk about it, it can genuinely upgrade the quality of our lives.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Our guest today is Alua Arthur, a former attorney who is now what's called a death doula, which is someone who helps guide people through the end of their lives. Through this work, she has learned some extraordinary stuff about how to live life right now. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Alua is also the founder of <a href="https://goingwithgrace.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Going with Grace</a>, a death doula training and end-of-life planning organization. She is working on her debut memoir, which will be coming out next year called, <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/pages/alua-arthur" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Briefly Perfectly Human</em></a>.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>This conversation took place at the 2023 TED Conference in Vancouver, immediately after Alua delivered her triumphant talk, which is out now. Special thanks to the TED Audio Collective. You can listen to Alua's talk and other TED talks on the TED Talks Daily podcast. </p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>How death can be a powerful motivator </li> <li>How consistently being aware that you're going to die can be a "stress reliever" </li> <li>The utility of imagining your ideal death</li> <li>Her view on reincarnation </li> <li>How the concept of "healing" can sometimes be used as a weapon against ourselves </li> <li>The importance of not leaving things unsaid </li> <li>How "hope" at the end of life can sometimes be unhelpful</li> <li>What surprises her about death </li> <li>How her work helped her out of her depression</li> <li>The five steps that you should take when confronting your own death </li> <li>The harm that can sometimes result from too much medical intervention toward the end of life</li> <li>The often fraught relationship that vulnerable and marginalized people can have with the medical community </li> <li>The benefits of thinking about what version of yourself you want to meet on your deathbed</li> <li>The death meditation that she uses when working with people </li> <li>What to say and do when you are with somebody who is grieving </li> <li>And a practice she calls, "The dying things exercise" </li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p>For tickets to TPH's live event in Boston on September 7:</p> <p><a href="https://thewilbur.com/armory/artist/dan-harris/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://thewilbur.com/armory/artist/dan-harris/</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/Alua-Arthur-619" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/Alua-Arthur-619</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Practice Deathbed Decision-Making
When making a decision, look at it from your deathbed and ask if you’ll be happy you did it, sad you didn’t, or if it will matter at all, to gain clarity on who you want to be and how you want to show up for your life.
2. Confront Death in Mirror
Look deeply into your own eyes in a mirror and repeat “I’m going to die” a couple of times, then be present with whatever feelings arise, as this can be a stress reliever and provide greater perspective on life itself.
3. Heal Relationships, Speak Unsaid
Say all the things that need to be said and make peace with the things that don’t, consciously choosing which relationships to address and which to accept as they are, so you can be okay with those choices if you were to die.
4. Get End-of-Life Affairs in Order
Create an advanced plan detailing who handles your affairs, your desires for life support, what you want done with your body, services, possessions (including small items like sock drawers), and dependents, and gather all biographical and financial documents to ease the burden on loved ones.
5. Imagine Your Ideal Death
Get granular in thinking about how you want to die, filling it with sensory details like what it feels like, smells like, who’s there, what you’re wearing, and the setting, to create a peaceful ideal that soothes your nervous system.
6. Meet Your Deathbed Self
Imagine yourself on your deathbed and reflect on the life you’ve lived, considering what your body and face tell, then identify the gap between that vision and who you are today to prioritize your current life.
7. Practice Nine-Part Death Meditation
Engage in a nine-part death meditation, based on the contemplations of dying, which systematically walks you through the body shutting down and the end of consciousness, to re-engage with life and reduce anxiety.
8. Address Unfinished Living Business
Identify and pursue “bucket list” items, both grand and small, such as taking a trip or enjoying a favorite childhood treat, to ensure you are not waiting for something when death arrives and feel fully present in your life.
9. Explore Afterlife Beliefs
Get clear on your personal beliefs about what happens after you die, even if it’s “I don’t know,” as this can allow you to sit with greater ease about the potential and address a major fear around death.
10. Practice “Dying Things” Exercise
Look around from your current vantage point and count how many things are dying or already dead, including your own body, to consistently tune into impermanence and appreciate the living that’s occurring at the same time.
11. Support Grieving People Mindfully
When talking to someone grieving, be present with your discomfort rather than offering platitudes, and simply state “I’m here for you, I don’t know what to say” to create space for them to share what they need without trying to fix their pain.
12. Balance Hope with Reality
Hold hope for positive outcomes, such as making it to a specific event, but do not hope for a miracle that blinds you to the possibility of death; instead, prepare for the end of life simultaneously.
13. Embrace Wholeness, Seek Improvement
Recognize that you are whole and not broken, even while working on aspects of yourself that are difficult for others, to avoid constantly feeling in a state of needing to be fixed and instead appreciate your present wholeness.
14. Confront Fear Directly
When experiencing fear, ask “What are you scared of?” to identify its root, as directly looking at fear can numb its sting and provide greater perspective.
15. Prioritize Rest in Life
Prioritize rest, such as taking naps, even when faced with the adage “you can sleep when you’re dead,” because feeling rested is important for living fully and feeling comfortable in your life.
16. Openly Discuss Death
Talk about death without fear, understanding that discussing it will not cause it to happen prematurely, and it is a natural part of life that can make us feel good and upgrade our lives right now.