How Thinking About Death Can Improve Your Life | Alua Arthur

Apr 10, 2024 51m 8s 20 insights

New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers. --- Death isn't the most appetizing topic, but contemplating mortality can be a massive source of motivation, perspective, and even stress relief. In this episode, life lessons from a death doula, who helps people at the end. Description: There seems to be one clear bug in the human operating system — most of us do not like talking about death. Yet when we do talk about it, it can genuinely upgrade the quality of our lives. Our guest today is Alua Arthur, a former attorney who is now what's called a death doula, which is someone who helps guide people through the end of their lives. Through this work, she has learned some extraordinary stuff about how to live life right now. Alua is also the founder of <a href="https://goingwithgrace.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Going with Grace</a>, a death doula training and end-of-life planning organization. Her debut memoir, <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/pages/alua-arthur" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Briefly Perfectly Human: Making An Authentic Life By Getting Real About the End</a>, will be released on April 16, 2024. This conversation took place at the 2023 TED Conference in Vancouver, immediately after Alua delivered her triumphant talk, which is out now. Special thanks to the TED Audio Collective. You can listen to Alua's talk and other TED talks on the TED Talks Daily podcast. In this episode we talk about: <ul> <li>How death can be a powerful motivator </li> <li>How consistently being aware that you're going to die can be a "stress reliever" </li> <li>The utility of imagining your ideal death</li> <li>Her view on reincarnation </li> <li>How the concept of "healing" can sometimes be used as a weapon against ourselves </li> <li>The importance of not leaving things unsaid </li> <li>How "hope" at the end of life can sometimes be unhelpful</li> <li>What surprises her about death </li> <li>How her work helped her out of her depression</li> <li>The five steps that you should take when confronting your own death </li> <li>The harm that can sometimes result from too much medical intervention toward the end of life</li> <li>The often fraught relationship that vulnerable and marginalized people can have with the medical community </li> <li>The benefits of thinking about what version of yourself you want to meet on your deathbed</li> <li>The death meditation that she uses when working with people </li> <li>What to say and do when you are with somebody who is grieving </li> <li>And a practice she calls, "The dying things exercise" </li> </ul> Full Shownotes: <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/Alua-Arthur-619" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/Alua-Arthur-archive</a> Where to find Alua Arthur online: Website: <a href="https://goingwithgrace.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">goingwithgrace.com</a> Social Media: <ul> <li><a href="https://twitter.com/goinggracefully" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Twitter</a> </li> <li><a href="https://www.facebook.com/goingwgrace" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Facebook</a> </li> <li><a href="https://www.instagram.com/going_with_grace/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Instagram</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVjHD7_XAXc2RWVND0RUTnw" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">YouTube</a></li> </ul> Book Mentioned: <ul> <li><a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/pages/alua-arthur" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Briefly Perfectly Human: Making An Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End</a></li> </ul> Other Resources Mentioned: <ul> <li><a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/alua_arthur_why_thinking_about_death_helps_you_live_a_better_life?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Link to Alua's TED talk</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuhIzO57HVk" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Link to Dan's TED talk</a></li> <li><a href="https://agoodgoodbye.com/about-gail/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Gail Ruben</a></li> <li><a href="https://momastery.com/blog/about-glennon/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Glennon Doyle</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.shambhala.com/atisha-a-guide-for-readers/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Atīśa Dīpaṃkara Śrījñāna</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.upaya.org/person/roshi-joan-halifax-phd/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Roshi Joan Halifax</a></li> <li><a href="https://dharmaseed.org/teacher/106/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Larry Rosenberg</a></li> </ul> Additional Resources: <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul>

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Actionable Insights

1. Meet Desired Self on Deathbed

Envision the version of yourself you want to meet on your deathbed, then identify the gap between that ideal and your current self. This exercise helps prioritize your life now, guiding actions to become that desired self.

2. Decision-Making from Deathbed

When making significant life decisions, consider how you will feel about that choice from your deathbed. This perspective helps clarify what truly matters and who you want to be.

3. Detailed Ideal Death Visualization

Visualize your ideal death with as much sensory detail as possible, including feelings, smells, people present, clothing, and environment. Creating a tangible, peaceful ideal can soothe your nervous system and make the process less scary.

4. Death as Powerful Motivator

Recognize that death is a powerful motivator because the finitude of time makes things matter. Embracing this perspective can encourage you to live fully and make a difference.

5. Talk About Death

Engage in conversations about death, as doing so can make you feel good and genuinely upgrade your life right now. It’s not going to make death happen sooner just by speaking about it.

6. Consistently Be Aware of Death

Maintain a consistent awareness that you are going to die. This practice can serve as a stress reliever by putting daily worries into perspective and reducing the sting of fear.

7. Confront Fears Directly

Directly confront your fears rather than avoiding them. Looking at fears head-on, like exposure therapy, can gradually numb them and take away their power.

8. Practice Remembering Life’s Lessons

Cultivate the ability to remember the lessons of your work and life, akin to the ancient concept of ‘sati’ or mindfulness. This helps prevent getting caught up in trivial worries and staying present.

9. Trust Body’s Capacity to Die

Trust that your body, which performs countless functions unconsciously throughout life, also knows how to die. This can reduce the perception of death as a malfunction and foster peace.

10. Heal Important Relationships

Address unresolved relationship issues by saying what needs to be said and making peace with what doesn’t. This ensures you are content with your relationships when your time comes, without necessarily forgiving unforgivable acts.

11. Get Affairs in Order

Create an advanced plan for your affairs, including designating who handles your matters, your desires for life support, wishes for your body and possessions, care for dependents, and organizing all important documents and financial information. This eases the burden on loved ones and ensures your wishes are honored.

12. Plan Your Deathbed Environment

Deliberately plan the environment and company for your deathbed, focusing on sensory details like who is present, what you’re wearing, and how the room smells. Making it feel as good as possible to you can bring comfort.

13. Explore Afterlife Beliefs

Reflect on and clarify your personal beliefs about consciousness and the afterlife. Understanding your own stance can provide ease regarding what happens after death.

14. Address Unfinished Business

Identify and pursue both large and small ‘bucket list’ items or unresolved aspects of your life. This ensures you live fully and have no regrets about experiences or connections when your time comes.

15. Mirror Exercise: ‘I’m Going to Die’

Look deeply into your own eyes in a mirror and repeat the phrase ‘I’m going to die’ several times. Be present with whatever feelings arise, as this can bring peace and act as a stress reliever.

16. Death Meditation Practice

Engage in a death meditation, such as one based on the nine contemplations of dying, that guides you through the process of the body shutting down. This intellectual exercise can re-engage you with life and reduce anxiety.

17. Balance Hope and Death Preparation

Hold hope for positive outcomes, but simultaneously prepare for the possibility of death. Unrealistic hope for a miracle without preparation can lead to disappointment and hinder effective end-of-life planning.

18. Dying Things Exercise

Regularly observe your surroundings and count how many things are dying or already dead, including your own body. This practice tunes you into impermanence, allowing you to appreciate the living that is occurring and enrich your present experience.

19. Support Grieving with Presence

When supporting someone grieving, resist the urge to ‘fix’ their pain; instead, be present, acknowledge your discomfort, and offer a non-judgmental space for them to talk about anything. Genuine presence and trust in their capacity to grieve are more supportive than platitudes.

20. Plan End-of-Life Pain Management

Make specific plans for pain management during the end-of-life process. This addresses fears about physical suffering and ensures comfort, potentially balancing consciousness with pain relief.