Recognize friendship as a critical factor for longevity, mental health, and overall well-being, influencing life span more than diet and exercise and protecting against depression and illness. Actively value and invest in platonic relationships to counter societal overvaluation of romantic love.
Educate yourself on attachment theory to understand your unconscious relational patterns, identify liabilities, and make conscious adjustments to seek and maintain the connections you desire, while also fostering empathy for others’ behaviors.
Strive for authenticity by being present and not allowing defense mechanisms (ways to obscure deeper emotions like jealousy or tiredness) to hijack your interactions, as this fosters stronger friendships and prevents taking things out on others.
Embrace conflict as an opportunity for deeper intimacy by engaging in open, empathic discussions; frame conversations lovingly, use ‘I’ statements, ask for the other person’s perspective, de-escalate tensions, and clearly state future desires.
Dispel the myth that adult friendships happen organically; instead, actively seek out repeated interactions and shared vulnerability by taking initiative, reaching out to people you’d like to connect with, and explicitly expressing interest in further connection.
Share your struggles and joys with people you trust to deepen connection, as vulnerability conveys that they are special to you and is a powerful way to foster intimacy and improve mental health.
Direct your energy and generosity towards people who are equally invested in you and treat you well; avoid working harder to earn love from those who treat you poorly, as this invites unhealthy relationship patterns.
Counter the fear of rejection by intentionally assuming people like you, as this ‘acceptance prophecy’ can make you friendlier, warmer, and more open, leading to a self-fulfilling positive social outcome.
View social rejection not as a personal failure, but as an inevitable part of the connection process and a sign that you are taking initiative; avoid generalizing one person’s reaction to everyone and focus on the effort you made.
Be aware that loneliness can manifest as a bad mood, random anxiety, cynical thoughts about friends, or a belief that others don’t want to hear from you, prompting you to seek connection when these feelings arise.
Use social media and technology to arrange and facilitate in-person interactions, such as direct messaging friends to meet up, rather than passively scrolling, to combat loneliness and foster genuine connection.
Engage in acts of generosity that genuinely benefit others and make them feel valued, but be mindful of your motives; ensure your generosity stems from genuine affection rather than a fear-based attempt to earn love or acceptance.
Distinguish genuine vulnerability (discerning, from a place of safety) from oversharing (fear-based, compulsive, word-vomiting), as oversharing can be inauthentic and fail to build true connection because it doesn’t convey special trust.
When engaging in friendships across privilege lines, if you hold a privileged identity, be more intentional about listening and understanding the other person’s perspective, recognizing that they have historically had to understand yours more often.
If you are in a marginalized group, assess your nervous system’s capacity and resources before engaging in conversations across privilege lines; if interactions are deeply dysregulating or miserable, prioritize your well-being and don’t force engagement.
When feeling socially anxious or fearing rejection, consciously shift your attention to look for signs of safety and approval in your environment, such as smiles or engagement, to help your nervous system internalize acceptance and counteract a bias towards disapproval.
To manage social anxiety, intentionally shift your attention away from self-consciousness and onto the other person, which can make you more likable and connected, and avoid safety behaviors like talking too fast or withdrawing.
Use the HEAL framework (Have a good experience, Enrich it, Absorb it, Link it) to internalize small positive social interactions, like a smile or a text, allowing them to stir gratitude and feelings of being loved, thereby building a more positive nervous system orientation.
When something good or enjoyable is happening, consciously call it out, even with a simple phrase like ‘This is fun,’ to help your nervous system and those around you fully take in and appreciate the positive experience.
Recognize and challenge your brain’s negativity bias, which often leads to underestimating how much people like you or how positively interactions are perceived, and approach social situations with humility and an openness to positive outcomes.
Reject the cultural shame associated with loneliness by recognizing it as a widespread and normal experience, especially given current societal trends, which empowers you to address it without self-judgment.