Focus on improving the quality of your closest relationships (friends, family, romantic partners) because data shows it is the most important variable for long-term health and happiness, even more so than physical fitness or meditation streaks.
Avoid using sarcasm or mockery that minimizes or attacks your partner, as this is a form of contempt, which is one of the biggest predictors of relationship demise and can negatively impact the listener’s immune system.
When discussing conflict, describe your own feelings and the situation that elicits them, rather than blaming your partner’s personality or pointing out their flaws. This approach prevents defensiveness and ensures your partner is more receptive to what you have to say.
Clearly articulate what you positively need your partner to do, focusing on what you want them to achieve for you, rather than what you dislike or resent. This helps your partner understand how to meet your needs effectively and ‘shine’ for you.
Refrain from using ‘constructive criticism’ because it is not effective and will likely sabotage your ability to be heard, leading to defensiveness from your partner. Instead, focus on expressing your own feelings and needs.
When physiologically flooded during conflict (heart rate above 100 bpm, or 80 bpm for athletes), take a break from the discussion, informing your partner when you will return. This allows you to self-soothe and return to the conversation in a calmer state.
During a conflict break, engage in distracting and calming activities like reading, listening to music, or meditating, specifically avoiding thinking about the fight. This prevents you from staying physiologically flooded and helps you return composed.
As a listener during conflict, summarize what you hear your partner saying and ask significant questions to understand their deeper values, beliefs, childhood history, and ideal dreams. This fosters deep understanding before you bring up your own position or move to compromise.
Recognize that 69% of conflicts in a relationship are perpetual and stem from personality differences that don’t ever get resolved. Learn to accept these differences in your partner rather than trying to eliminate them.
When working on conflict and compromise, understand each other’s underlying dreams (core needs or ideals) and strive to build a compromise that preserves and honors these essential aspects for both partners.
Regularly ask your partner questions about their evolving internal world, including their feelings, needs, beliefs, values, and history. This helps you map their internal landscape and understand how they are changing over time.
Consistently express words of care, fondness, love, respect, and admiration to your partner, both verbally and through touch. These expressions are continuously needed to maintain connection and should never stop.
Respond positively to your partner’s bids for attention, interest, or deeper needs, even with a small acknowledgment like ‘wow’ or ‘huh.’ This simple positive response fosters connection and intimacy.
Cultivate a habit of mind to notice and express gratitude for the small positive things your partner does, such as making coffee or cleaning. These frequent, tiny moments of connection build an emotional bank account and strengthen the relationship.
Cultivate a positive perspective by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt when they are grumpy or act negatively, assuming an underlying reason rather than attributing it to their character. This prevents defensiveness and allows for a more compassionate response.
When unhappy or disappointed, choose to address your complaints directly with your partner rather than complaining to others. This choice reinforces loyalty, cherishes the relationship, and prevents the slow erosion of commitment.
Actively choose to cherish your partner daily by magnifying their positive qualities and focusing on what you have, rather than mentally ’trashing’ them or comparing them unfavorably to others. Loyalty is built over time through this daily choice.
Build trust by consistently thinking about what benefits both yourself and your partner, aiming to maximize mutual benefits rather than solely focusing on your own needs. Trust is eroded when you prioritize only your own needs.
Engage in conversations about what gives each partner’s life meaning and purpose, fostering curiosity and sharing these deeper aspects. This upper level of the sound relationship house is some of the strongest glue that bonds two people together.
Utilize a five-step process to revisit and reprocess past regrettable incidents or big fights that have created emotional wounds. This helps create healing around those past events and resolves emotional scars.
Develop practices like mindfulness and meditation to connect with your deepest internal self. This enables you to express vulnerability and connect with your partner on a profound level, beyond superficial communication.
If one partner consistently follows healthy communication blueprints, it can have a moderating effect on the entire relationship system. The other person will often soften their approach and become less belligerent, changing the dynamic.
If you tend to use humor to deflect during sensitive conversations, practice mindfulness to identify the underlying anxiety or pain driving the urge to crack a joke. Then, express that emotion instead of using humor as a distancer.
If your partner uses humor to deflect during a serious discussion, gently state, ‘This is serious for me. Can we not use humor right now?’ This helps ensure the important topic is addressed without minimization or disconnection.
Consider separation if one partner feels complete apathy (no anger, hurt, or fury, just an absence of feeling) towards the other, or if there is characterological domestic violence where the perpetrator takes no responsibility and causes major injury.