<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>What 40 years of research tells us about how to cultivate good relationships in our lives.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of <a href="https://www.gottman.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Gottman Institute</a> and <a href="https://affectivesoftware.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Affective Software Inc.</a> as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller <a href="https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a>. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of <a href="https://www.gottman.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Gottman Institute</a> and Co-Founder of <a href="https://affectivesoftware.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Affective Software, Inc</a>. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>In this episode we talk about:</p> <ul> <li>how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict</li> <li>what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together</li> <li>why "there's no such thing as constructive criticism" </li> <li>the details of John's research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced</li> <li>how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice</li> <li>how and why betrayal occurs</li> <li>when a couple should consider separating </li> <li>the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships</li> <li>and the role of humor in relationships.</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Related Episodes:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/sister-true-dedication-514" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Six Buddhist Strategies for Getting Along Better with Everyone | Sister True Dedication</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/daniel-goleman-307" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Science of Emotional Intelligence | Daniel Goleman</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/martine-batchelor-275" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Improving Your Relationships - Buddhist Style | Martine Batchelor</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Sign up for Dan's weekly newsletter</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3QtGRqJ" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>here</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Follow Dan on social:</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>TikTok</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Ten Percent Happier online</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>bookstore</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Subscribe to our</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube Channel</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Our favorite playlists on:</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Anxiety</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Sleep</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Relationships</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Most Popular Episodes</strong></a></p> <p><strong>For tickets to Dan Harris: Celebrating 10 Years of 10% Happier at Symphony Space: </strong><a href="https://www.symphonyspace.org/events/vp-dan-harris-10-happier-10-year-anniversary" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>click here</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/gottmans-418-rerun</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Additional Resources:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Deepen Self-Connection
Develop practices like mindfulness and meditation to connect with your deepest internal self, enabling you to express vulnerability and foster compassion in your interactions with your partner.
2. Prioritize Understanding First
Before attempting to compromise or resolve a conflict, ensure both partners have a deep understanding of each other’s positions and underlying perspectives.
3. Use ‘I Feel’ Statements
When discussing conflict, describe your own feelings and positive needs related to the situation, rather than blaming your partner’s personality, to avoid defensiveness and ensure your message is heard.
4. Avoid Direct Criticism
Direct criticism of your partner’s personality or behavior is ineffective and will lead to defensiveness; instead, express your feelings and needs using ‘I’ statements.
5. Active Listening in Conflict
As a listener in a conflict, summarize what you hear your partner saying and ask significant questions to understand the deeper meaning behind their position, fostering understanding before moving to resolution.
6. Uncover Dreams Within Conflict
When discussing conflict, ask your partner about their underlying values, beliefs, childhood history, ideal dreams, and purpose related to their position to gain a deeper understanding of their perspective.
7. Compromise with Core Needs Intact
When compromising, identify what you are inflexible about (core beliefs, needs, dreams) and what you are flexible about, aiming to preserve each person’s essential elements while adapting around the edges.
8. Take Physiological Breaks in Conflict
When your heart rate exceeds 100 bpm during conflict, take a break by informing your partner when you’ll return, then self-soothe with distracting and calming activities (e.g., meditation, reading) without dwelling on the fight, to return composed.
9. Accept Perpetual Conflicts
Recognize that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual and stem from personality differences, requiring acceptance of your partner’s differences rather than seeking full resolution.
10. Continuously Build Love Maps
Actively and continuously ask your partner questions about their evolving internal world, including their feelings, needs, beliefs, values, and history, to maintain a deep understanding of who they are.
11. Express Fondness and Admiration
Regularly express words of care, fondness, love, respect, and admiration for your partner, both verbally and through touch, as these expressions are continuously needed in a relationship.
12. Turn Toward Partner’s Bids
Respond positively to your partner’s bids for attention, interest, or deeper needs, even with a small acknowledgment, as consistently turning toward them builds connection and intimacy.
13. Maintain Positive Relationship Perspective
Strive to maintain a positive perspective on your relationship, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt during difficult moments, which helps prevent misinterpreting positive actions as negative.
14. Notice & Express Small Positives
Cultivate a habit of mind to notice the small positive things your partner does and express gratefulness, as this builds an emotional bank account and is more impactful than just performing positive actions.
15. Voice Complaints to Partner
When unhappy or disappointed, voice your complaints directly to your partner, rather than complaining to others, to reinforce your investment in the relationship and avoid magnifying your partner’s faults.
16. Cherish Partner’s Positive Qualities
Actively cherish and magnify your partner’s positive qualities, especially during difficult times, as this daily choice builds loyalty and commitment over time.
17. Think for Two to Build Trust
Build trust by consistently thinking for two, considering what benefits both yourself and your partner, and aiming to maximize benefits for both, rather than just focusing on individual needs.
18. Cultivate Shared Meaning & Purpose
Engage in conversations about what gives each partner’s life meaning and purpose, fostering curiosity and sharing these deeper aspects of yourselves to strengthen your bond.
19. Process Past Regrettable Incidents
Revisit past fights or regrettable incidents to reprocess them, understand your partner better, and heal emotional wounds, allowing you to move past them.
20. One Person Can Shift Dynamics
Even if only one partner adopts constructive communication and conflict resolution techniques, their changes can have a moderating and softening effect on the entire relationship system.
21. Eliminate Contemptuous Humor
Avoid using sarcasm, mockery, or humor that minimizes or attacks your partner, as this constitutes contempt, a major predictor of relationship demise and harmful to the listener’s immune system.
22. Address Humor as Deflection
If your partner uses humor to deflect from a sensitive topic, directly state, ‘This is serious for me. Can we not use humor right now?’ If you are the one using humor to deflect, practice mindfulness to identify the underlying anxiety or pain driving the urge to joke and express that emotion instead.
23. Increase Humor by Turning Toward
To foster more shared humor, especially during conflict, increase your ’turning toward’ behaviors by being mindfully sensitive to your partner’s needs and noticing their positive actions.
24. Separate if Apathy Exists
Consider separating from a relationship if one partner experiences complete apathy, meaning no feelings (anger, hurt, or fury) whatsoever remain for the other person.
25. End Characterological Domestic Violence
If in a relationship with characterological domestic violence, where the perpetrator takes no responsibility, blames the victim, and causes major injury, separation is necessary.
26. Treat Situational Domestic Violence
If experiencing situational domestic violence, where both partners get flooded, escalate, and take responsibility for wanting to change, treatment can be effective to eliminate violence.
27. Utilize Gottman Resources
Explore resources from the Gottman Institute, including online courses (e.g., The Art and Science of Love), the Gottman Connect app, books (e.g., Eight Dates, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, What Makes Love Last), free card decks, and the Gottman Referral Network for trained therapists, all available at Gottman.com.