Learn to “hug your dragons” (difficult personality aspects) instead of attempting to slay them, as fighting them only makes them stronger. This approach fosters a healthier inner relationship with challenging parts of yourself.
Understand that your consciousness is composed of multiple “parts” or sub-personalities, all of which are valuable and become troublesome when unattended or forced into extreme roles by trauma.
When encountering difficult inner parts, shift from a coercive or confrontational stance to one of genuine curiosity and openness. This allows parts to reveal their protective intentions, which is crucial for healing.
Engage in direct dialogue with your inner parts by focusing on them, finding their location in your body, and asking them questions about their roles and fears. Wait for answers to come organically, without overthinking.
Recognize that even destructive or unpleasant inner parts (like a critic or a self-harming part) are always trying to protect you, often unskillfully, from perceived threats or past pain. This reframing is key to working with them.
Learn to ask interfering inner parts to “give space” so that your core “Self” can emerge. This Self is characterized by qualities like calm, confidence, curiosity, compassion, creativity, and courage, and is your natural inner leader.
Employ mindfulness meditation to separate from thoughts and emotions, allowing the “Self” to naturally emerge and provide a foundation of calm and clarity. This practice helps create the inner space needed for healing.
Move beyond passively witnessing thoughts and emotions in meditation; instead, use the “Self” to actively lead and heal your inner parts. This involves embracing their “personhood” with love and attention, rather than just observing them.
Consistently approach all inner characters, even those that cause distress, with warmth, love, and appreciation for their efforts. This compassionate stance tends to calm them down and foster cooperation, making them less extreme.
When attempting inner dialogue, ask any parts that are angry, skeptical, or eager to please to step back and give space. This allows for clearer communication with the target part from your “Self,” without interference.
Express gratitude and appreciation to your protective parts for their hard work and service in trying to keep you safe, even if their methods are outdated or unskillful. Acknowledging their burden helps build trust.
When a protective part expresses fears (e.g., of financial ruin or failure), ask it where that fear originated in the past. Understanding its historical context and root cause can help you address the underlying issue.
Communicate to protective parts that you are no longer a child and are capable of handling more than you were in the past. This helps them to update their perception of your current abilities and potentially relax their extreme vigilance.
Understand that protective parts experience relief when they can trust your “Self” to lead and take on responsibility, as their constant vigilance is exhausting. This relief can motivate them to step back from extreme roles.
When accessing a hurt “exile” part (a part stuck in past trauma), become a compassionate witness to its experience, acknowledging its pain and what it went through. This validation is a crucial first step in healing.
With guidance, go into the past scene with the hurt exile part, provide the presence and help it needed, then take it to a safe place to unload its burdens (extreme beliefs and emotions). This process allows it to transform back to its naturally carefree state.
Understand that “exiling” hurt parts (locking them away in inner basements or abysses) is an “insult to injury” that prevents healing and deprives you of vital inner resources. These parts will often find ways to be seen, like through panic attacks.
To engage in deeper healing and unburdening processes, find a qualified therapist specializing in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. A directory is available on the ifs-institute.com website.
Explore books like “You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For” or audio courses like “More Than The Sum of Your Parts” for exercises to practice IFS principles and dialogue with parts on your own. These resources offer structured guidance for self-practice.