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Happiness Takes Work | Sonja Lyubomirsky

Feb 5, 2020 1h 9m 23 insights
Sonja Lyubomirsky has been studying human happiness for 30 years. As a professor at the University of California Riverside, her research has centered around things people can do to become happier. In this episode she talks about her findings, including the power of social connection and how that might just be the key ingredient to happiness. She also talks about how we can increase our level of social connection. Show notes: www.tenpercent.com/podcast Sonja's Website: http://drsonja.net/about-sonja/ Sonja's Books: https://www.amazon.com/Sonja-Lyubomirsky/e/B001JP269S/ Sonja at UC Riverside: https://profiles.ucr.edu/app/home/profile/sonja Sonja on Ten Percent Happier: https://10percenthappier.app.link/0E69lbTsH3 Check out the new Ten Percent Happier course on Health Habits with Kelly McGonigal and Alexis Santos: WWW.TENPERCENT.COM/HABITS In the App: https://10percenthappier.app.link/gAd07mXoo2 References in the show: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Susan Cain https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153 Nick Epley, research on talking to strangers on the train https://www.nicholasepley.com/publications Liz Dunn - UBC Barrista researcher https://dunn.psych.ubc.ca/curriculum-vitae-2/publications/ Ed Dieiner - https://eddiener.com/ Barb Frederickson - Love 2.0 https://www.positivityresonance.com/ Dacher Keltner - UC Berkley https://psychology.berkeley.edu/people/dacher-keltner Ken Sheldon https://psychology.missouri.edu/people/sheldon Susan Nolen-Hoeksema https://www.amazon.com/Susan-Nolen-Hoeksema/e/B001H6IJH2 Martin Seligman - UPenn Positive Psychology https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/martin-ep-seligman Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi - Flow https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202 Lisa Walsh - Expressing gratitude on the other person https://www.lisacwalsh.com/ Nial Bolger - Columbia (visible versus invisible social support) https://psychology.columbia.edu/content/niall-bolger Ezra Klein's Podcast with Allison Gopnick https://www.vox.com/podcasts/2019/6/13/18677595/alison-gopnik-changed-how-i-think-about-love) Ten Percent Happier Podcast Insiders Feedback Group: https://10percenthappier.typeform.com/to/vHz4q4 Have a question for Dan? Leave us a voicemail: 646-883-8326
Actionable Insights

1. Prioritize Social Connection

Actively seek and prioritize social connection in your daily life. This is considered what makes life worth living, enriches your life, and makes you a happier person.

2. Shift Focus from Self

Consciously shift your focus away from self-absorption and rumination towards other people or engaging activities. This practice can reduce unhappiness, anxiety, and sadness.

3. Happiness Requires Lifelong Effort

Understand that achieving and maintaining happiness is a continuous, lifelong pursuit requiring consistent effort. This is similar to maintaining physical health or a strong marriage.

4. Increase Daily Social Interactions

Aim to have three more social interactions than you normally would each week for a month. This practice has been shown to increase feelings of connection and positive emotions.

5. Perform Acts of Kindness

Practice performing three acts of kindness you don’t normally do, once a week for a few weeks. This can lead to increased happiness and feelings of connection.

6. Act More Extroverted

Consciously act more extroverted by being more assertive, sociable/talkative, and spontaneous in your interactions. This behavior has been shown to significantly increase happiness and positive emotions.

7. Savor Positive Experiences

Practice savoring by fully immersing yourself in positive experiences, extracting the maximum positive emotion, and avoiding thoughts about future tasks. This maximizes happiness and presence.

8. Shift from Rumination

When you catch yourself ruminating (obsessively thinking in circles about problems), consciously shift your mindset to problem-solving by asking ‘What do I need to do next?’. This helps move from unproductive thought patterns to insight and action.

9. Engage in Self-Disclosure

Foster deeper relationships by practicing self-disclosure, sharing something about yourself, and responding to others in a way that makes them feel understood, valued, and cared for. This builds connection and chemistry.

10. Talk to Strangers

Initiate brief conversations with strangers, such as a barista or someone on public transport, even if you don’t expect to enjoy it. Research suggests this can surprisingly make you happier.

11. Compliment Others Generously

Offer genuine compliments to strangers, such as praising a cashier’s efficiency or someone’s appearance. This simple act can brighten their day and foster positive micro-connections.

12. Deepen Connection with Loved Ones

Make a conscious effort to connect more deeply with the closest people in your life, such as your spouse or best friend, by truly listening and asking thoughtful questions. This helps avoid taking them for granted and enriches existing relationships.

13. Practice Invisible Kindness

Perform acts of kindness or offer support to others in a way that is not obvious or visible to them. This can be more effective as it avoids making the recipient feel patronized and provides personal satisfaction without seeking credit.

14. Tailor Happiness Strategies

Select happiness strategies that align with your individual values, goals, job, and personality, rather than adopting a one-size-fits-all approach. This ensures the strategy is a good fit and effective for you.

15. Express Gratitude Thoughtfully

Express gratitude to individuals you care about, for instance, by writing a heartfelt email, especially if general ‘counting blessings’ feels inauthentic to you.

16. Embrace “Starting Again”

If you experience setbacks or ‘fail’ at resolutions or practices, embrace the powerful ’life hack’ of simply starting again without shame or guilt.

17. Consider Meditation for Addiction

If you are dealing with addiction or underlying psychological issues, explore incorporating meditation and mindfulness into your treatment plan. It is an increasingly promising approach in rehabilitation contexts.

18. Don’t Attach to Meditation States

During meditation, if you experience unusual sensations or positive states (like rocking or a body high), observe them without attachment. Understand that all experiences are impermanent.

19. Treat Service People as Individuals

Interact with service professionals by seeing them as individuals, showing respect and appreciation for who they are, rather than just their occupational role.

20. Use Ride-Sharing Pools

Consider using ride-sharing services like UberPool or LyftPool as an opportunity to engage in conversations and connect with fellow passengers.

21. Use Social Media for Meetings

Leverage social media to initiate connections, but prioritize making plans to meet in person. This fosters more meaningful interactions.

22. Be Brave, Try Retreats

Consider attending a meditation retreat, acknowledging that it can be a challenging yet brave step to deepen your practice.

23. Happiness Benefits Others

Pursue your own happiness with the understanding that it is not selfish. Being happier makes you a better, kinder, more productive, and more generous person, benefiting those around you.