Learn Gretchen Rubin’s framework (Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Rebel) to understand how you and others respond to inner and outer expectations, which is crucial for habit formation and interpersonal effectiveness.
If you readily meet outer expectations but struggle with inner ones (an Obliger), you must create systems of outer accountability to achieve your goals, such as signing up for classes, working with a friend or trainer, or joining an accountability group.
If you question all expectations (a Questioner), go deep into knowledge and research to understand why a habit or action is justified and customized for you, as you will only commit if it meets your inner standards.
If you resist all expectations (a Rebel), motivate yourself by aligning actions with your chosen identity (e.g., ‘I choose to be a responsible person’) and by focusing on information, consequences, and personal choice, avoiding nagging or reminders from others.
If you readily meet both inner and outer expectations (an Upholder), recognize that habit formation comes easily to you, but be mindful not to appear judgmental or rigid to others who may struggle differently.
Obligers should address feelings of deep resentment and burnout before they lead to ‘obliger rebellion’ (a sudden, destructive snap), by dealing with those feelings proactively to avoid exploitation or unrealistic expectations.
To combat analysis paralysis or question overwhelm, Questioners should set deadlines for decisions, limit the amount of information they gather, or rely on trusted authorities whose judgment and expertise they respect.
Determine if you are an abstainer (easier to have none of something) or a moderator (can have a little bit sometimes); if you’re an abstainer, complete abstinence will be easier and reduce desire over time, rather than moderation which can ramp up cravings.
Recognize that you are significantly affected by the actions of people around you, regardless of your tendency, so surround yourself with individuals whose behaviors align with your goals.
Increase the likelihood of forming good habits by making desired behaviors convenient and easy to access, while making undesired behaviors inconvenient or difficult to perform.
Do not let past investments of time, energy, or money dictate future choices, as the ‘problem of sunk costs’ can make it difficult to switch paths even when a different direction would be more beneficial.
If you have many responsibilities and high ambitions, recognize that your challenge may be ambition rather than inefficiency; accept that you want to do a lot and sometimes you’ll feel stretched, or consider lightening your load if something isn’t truly valuable.
Understand that people’s behaviors often stem from their inherent nature (like their Four Tendencies) rather than being a personal reflection on you, which can help you feel less unsettled and react with more empathy.