Counter intuitive responses in conflict by asking yourself, “Could I do the opposite?” and practice this approach in low-stakes settings, as intuitive actions often worsen high conflict.
Practice “looping” by actively listening for what is most important to the other person, distilling it into elegant language, playing it back, and then asking “Is that right?” to confirm understanding and inject humility.
Use specific, “better questions” to foster deeper understanding and move beyond simplistic debates, such as “What is oversimplified about this issue?”, “Where do you feel torn?”, or “If this problem were solved, how would you know?”.
Before challenging someone’s statement or fact, acknowledge what they’ve said to ensure they feel heard, as being heard is a fundamental human need and can open space for dialogue.
Prioritize and actively work on building trust in public discourse and relationships, as it is foundational for resolving conflict and overcoming disagreements on facts.
Embrace good conflict as a necessary and productive path to personal and societal transformation and growth, recognizing it involves a “galaxy of emotions” and leads to satisfying outcomes.
Abandon “us versus them” adversarial thinking for complex problems, as it is no longer effective in an interdependent and globalized world and perpetuates high conflict.
Recognize that fear and vulnerability often manifest as anger, and be aware of this dynamic in yourself and others, as anger is often rewarded but unhelpful in resolving conflict.
In conflict situations, ensure people have a literal or metaphorical “way out” and are not cornered, as this can de-escalate tension and allow for resolution.
When intervening in a conflict, ask “What happened?” with genuine curiosity and a neutral tone, rather than accusatory questions, to encourage reflection and de-escalation.
After listening, ask individuals in conflict “What do you want to do next?” and offer clear choices (e.g., “I could call someone, or you could talk with me and we get everyone safely to where they’re going”) to empower them and provide a path to resolution.
When asking questions, cultivate genuine curiosity, as people can sense whether your interest is authentic or merely performative, and respond accordingly.
When trying to understand human behavior, acknowledge and value the roles of pride, fear, and the need to belong, rather than solely relying on reasoning.
When dealing with a specific conflict, broaden your perspective by examining similar conflict patterns in different contexts (e.g., divorces, gang violence) to gain new insights.
In intimate relationships, practice discretion and choose not to blurt out everything you’re thinking, especially when you know it won’t be heard, to maintain the relationship.
Actively seek out and engage with complex narratives, as exposure to complexity can prime curiosity and lead to better conflict resolution.
Avoid framing situations with “better than” and “less than” comparisons, as this mindset can escalate conflict and hinder resolution.
To help people disengage from high conflict, appeal to or highlight their identities outside of the conflict, such as their roles as parents or children.
Encourage partisan leaders and influencers to question and step out of high conflict, as this creates space for others to maintain their political identity while refusing political violence.
Use simple, resonant messages that appeal to core identities (like family) to invite people out of conflict, as demonstrated by the Colombian soccer ads.
Acknowledge and address the role of humiliation in conflict, as it is an underappreciated trigger for high conflict and essential for understanding the full story.
Avoid the simplistic approach of merely presenting “both sides” in a conflict, as true complexity requires deeper understanding beyond a binary view.
Be aware of your own difficulty in identifying the true causes of your fear or unhappiness, and be critical of “conflict entrepreneurs” who offer simplistic, blame-focused explanations.
Do not give up on people entirely, even if you personally cannot engage with them, as someone else might be able to reach them.
In deeply entrenched conflicts, foster the understanding that opposing groups are not going away and must coexist, recognizing that there is “no winning” in the traditional sense.
When addressing conflict, start by engaging with those who are willing to participate, rather than waiting for “the right people” or focusing solely on extremists, and gradually expand the circle of engagement.
When confronted with information you believe to be false, instead of directly refuting it, ask “How do you decide whom to trust?” to explore the other person’s reasoning and sources.
Greet people with a genuine smile and a warm welcome, even if they don’t respond, as this act of hospitality can subconsciously foster a sense of friendliness and de-escalate potential conflict.
Integrate elements of joy, wonder, hope, dignity, and faith into conversations, especially those about conflict, as these are often missing but crucial for deeper engagement.
Reduce news consumption if it contributes to anxiety or unease, and allow yourself to question traditional news formats, seeking out better ways to engage with information.
Advocate for or support electoral reforms like rank-choice voting, which can reduce polarization by allowing for more nuanced choices beyond a binary system.
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