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Frank Ostaseski, What Death Can Teach Us About Living

Jan 23, 2019 1h 26m 49 insights
Frank Ostaseski experienced death at a young age, losing his mother as a teenager and his father just a few years later. In his search for healing, he found meditation. With this as his foundation, Ostaseski would go on to become a pioneer in end-of-life care. He co-founded the Zen Hospice Project, the first Buddhist hospice in America, establishing a model for mindful and compassionate care and he founded the Metta Institute training countless healthcare clinicians and caregivers treating those facing life-threatening illness. He explains what he's come to learn about death, and life, through his experiences. Have a question for Dan? Leave us a voicemail at 646-883-8326. The Plug Zone Bio: https://fiveinvitations.com/about-frank-ostaseski/ Author, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully https://fiveinvitations.com/
Actionable Insights

1. Don’t Wait, Live Presently

Avoid waiting for future moments or ideal conditions; instead, live fully in the present, express your love to others now, and address important life matters without delay, as future capacity is not guaranteed.

2. Welcome All Experiences

Be willing to meet every experience without judgment or resistance, opening yourself to what it can teach you, as nothing can be changed until it is faced.

3. Bring Your Whole Self

Engage with others by bringing your complete self, including your fears, helplessness, and perceived undesirable parts, as these vulnerabilities can create empathetic connections and serve as a bridge for deeper relationships.

4. Find Rest in Presence

Cultivate the habit of resting in the middle of whatever you are doing by bringing your full and complete attention to the present moment, whether your mind is clear or confused, as this undivided attention creates a state of ease and restfulness.

5. Cultivate Don’t Know Mind

Develop a ‘don’t know mind’ that is open, receptive, curious, and full of wonder, allowing for new possibilities to emerge rather than being fixed by existing knowledge or assumptions.

6. Transform Life Now

Understand that the possibility for profound personal transformation exists in the present moment, and you don’t need to wait until the end of your life to achieve it.

7. Appreciate Life’s Precariousness

Recognize the precarious and temporary nature of life to foster a deep appreciation for its preciousness, motivating you to live fully, responsibly, and express love to those you care about.

8. Let Impermanence Inspire Love

Recognize the impermanence of loved ones as an inspiration to care for them deeply and love them with your whole being, rather than letting it lead to depression.

9. Care & Appreciate Now

Care for and appreciate all aspects of your life and possessions in the present moment, understanding that all things are impermanent and will eventually come to an end.

10. Reflect on Death

Engage in the practice of reflecting on death, as it is a central teaching of Buddhism that highlights impermanence and the changing nature of all things, including ourselves.

11. Turn Towards Your Suffering

Instead of comparing your pain to others’ or using their suffering to minimize your own, actively turn towards your own difficult experiences to discover what they can teach you.

12. Approach Suffering Directly

When faced with suffering, instead of running away, go directly towards it and engage with it gently and mercifully, as this is where true healing can begin.

13. Make Room for Suffering

Allow space for suffering in your heart and life, recognizing its value in fostering compassion for others, appreciating life, and understanding common humanity.

14. Investigate Difficult Emotions

During meditation, approach your difficult emotions not by running away, but by investigating them with a non-judgmental attitude and a sense of warmth.

15. Orient to Awareness of Fear

When experiencing fear, consciously shift your attention to the part of you that observes the fear, rather than being consumed by it, allowing you to respond from a place of awareness and reduce its dominance.

16. Expect Life’s Problems

Understand that having a human body and a heart inherently means you should expect to encounter problems and challenges, rather than being surprised or dismayed by them.

17. Focus on Love in Life

Prioritize love in your life, reflecting on whether you are loved and if you have loved others well, as these are the core questions that become clear at the end of life.

18. Address Core Relationships

Recognize that life and dying are fundamentally about relationships—with yourself, loved ones, caregivers, and a higher power—and actively work to address and nurture these connections.

19. Cultivate Faith and Trust

Develop faith by seeking inspiration (e.g., reading, meeting admired teachers) and then through direct experience, which builds trust in practices and in your own humanity.

20. Trust Direct Experience

Engage in mindfulness practice by trusting your own direct experience of it, rather than relying on belief systems.

21. Be a Spiritual Pragmatist

Adopt a pragmatic approach to spirituality, focusing on practices that are effective in everyday life for becoming a full human being, achieving freedom, and serving others.

22. Cultivate Attention & Reflect

Develop the habit of paying close attention to life and regularly reflecting on the reality of dying, viewing it as a life-affirming practice rather than a morbid one.

23. Be Conscious of Endings

Pay conscious attention to how you approach and experience endings—of sentences, relationships, meals, or days—as your habits around endings significantly shape how new beginnings unfold.

24. Practice Daily Reflection

Before sleeping, reflect on what inspired you, challenged you, surprised you, and what you learned about love today, to cultivate conscious living and set up the next day.

25. Ask “What’s Enough?”

Frequently pose the question “What’s enough?” in various aspects of your life, such as eating or possessions, to cultivate contentment and avoid overconsumption or endless striving.

26. Practice Gratefulness

Cultivate the practice of gratefulness by expressing, feeling, and appreciating your life and everything you have, as this helps in understanding what truly constitutes “enough.”

27. Care for Your Body

Take the best possible care of your body, as it serves as your essential vehicle and sensing tool for interacting with, knowing, and fully engaging in relationships with the world.

28. Live Fully, Be Awake

Strive to live every minute of your life as fully as possible, extending this intention even to your dying process, aiming to be awake and present for it rather than sleeping through it.

29. Seek Good Mentors

Find good mentors and examples in your life to guide you in confronting challenges and experiences that others typically avoid, as this can help you grow.

30. Create Mindful Atmosphere

Foster an environment that is mindful and compassionate, allowing for whatever needs to unfold to do so naturally.

31. Watch Self-Interest in Helping

When helping others, be mindful of the subtle line where your actions might be driven by a desire to alleviate your own discomfort rather than purely by their needs.

32. Prioritize Least Intrusive Interventions

When addressing someone’s distress, always consider and attempt the least intrusive interventions first, even if medication might eventually be necessary.

33. Offer Simple Human Kindness

Before resorting to more complex or medical interventions, try offering simple human kindness and companionship to see if it can have a positive effect on someone’s distress.

34. Sit Down When Afraid

If you find yourself experiencing fear, physically sit down, as this makes you less likely to flee the situation and helps you stay present with the experience.

35. Check Your Internal State

Continuously monitor your own breath, body, and emotions to understand your internal state, as this self-awareness provides a foundation for effectively working with and helping others.

36. Be a Compassionate Companion

When someone fears emotional abandonment, offer compassionate companionship by clearly stating your presence and commitment, reassuring them that you will not leave.

37. Do Not Impose Your Ideas

When interacting with others, especially about deeply personal topics, refrain from imposing your own ideas and instead focus on understanding their perspectives and how those views shape their experience.

38. Engage in Mutual Exchange

To embody true elderhood, engage in a mutual exchange of learning and wisdom with younger generations, moving beyond one-directional mentoring.

39. Embrace All Aspects of Aging

To age gracefully, mature into the fullness of life by embracing all its aspects, including disability, confusion, and the losses of self and loved ones, leading to a deeper acceptance.

40. Borrow Rhythm to Stabilize

In moments of fear or instability, you can find your own rhythm and stabilize yourself by closely attuning to and “borrowing” the rhythm of another person’s breath or presence.

41. Structure Meditation Practice

Dedicate your primary daily meditation session to your main practice (e.g., breath mindfulness), and consider adding a secondary, shorter session (e.g., loving-kindness) before bed to incorporate different benefits.

42. Start Sit with Loving-Kindness

If your primary meditation session is long enough, begin it with a round of loving-kindness (metta) meditation to integrate different practices.

43. Alternate Meditation Types

To incorporate various meditation styles without feeling scattered, consider alternating different types of practice on an every-other-day basis.

44. Focus on One Practice

To deepen your practice, consider focusing on one specific type of meditation (e.g., loving-kindness or friendliness) for a sustained period rather than trying to do everything at once.

45. Use Orderly Meditation System

Implement a structured and orderly system for your meditation practice to minimize doubt and uncertainty about which type of meditation to do or if you’re doing enough.

46. Use Others’ Feedback

Gauge the real-world benefits of your meditation practice by paying attention to feedback from people around you, as their observations about your behavior can be a reliable measure of positive change.

47. Reduce Emotion’s Half-Life

Understand that meditation is not about eliminating difficult emotions, but about reducing their duration and intensity (their “half-life”), thereby minimizing the potential damage they can cause.

48. Be Less of an A**hole

Evaluate the effectiveness of your meditation practice by assessing if you are less irritable, difficult, or unpleasant to yourself and others than you used to be, as this is a practical metric for real-world improvement.

49. Meditate for Better Life

Understand that the ultimate purpose of meditation is not merely to improve your meditation skills, but to enhance your overall ability to navigate and live life more effectively.