Fight Right: The Science of Healthy Conflict | Drs. John and Julie Gottman

1. Aim for Mutual Understanding

Approach conflict with the goal of achieving mutual understanding, as this leads to deeper emotional closeness rather than distance and alienation in relationships.

2. Maintain 5:1 Positive Ratio

During conflict, ensure that positive interactions (e.g., nodding, complimenting, empathizing, smiling) outnumber negative ones by at least five to one, regardless of your conflict style, to foster a healthy dynamic.

3. Avoid the Four Horsemen

Consciously avoid criticism (blaming personality flaws), defensiveness (counterattacking or whining), contempt (superiority, sarcasm, disgust), and stonewalling (shutting down), as these are highly destructive to relationships.

4. Master First Three Minutes

Start conflict discussions by describing your own emotion, stating the triggering situation neutrally, and expressing a positive need (what you want to feel better), rather than blaming, to set a constructive tone.

5. No Constructive Criticism

Do not offer ‘constructive criticism,’ as it immediately triggers defensiveness. Instead, translate your feedback into ‘I’ statements about your feelings and what you need differently from your partner.

6. Uncover Underlying Dreams

When in conflict, pause the discussion to get underneath the surface issue by asking questions about underlying values, childhood history, feelings, ideal dreams, or deeper purposes behind each person’s position to foster understanding.

7. Take Breaks When Flooded

If you feel physically overwhelmed or ‘flooded’ (e.g., elevated heart rate, chest tightening, repeating yourself louder), take a break for at least 20-30 minutes in separate spaces, engaging in self-soothing activities, and state when you will return to continue the conversation.

8. Process Regrettable Incidents

Systematically process past difficult events by first listing feelings, then each person sharing their subjective viewpoint (with the other taking notes and validating), discussing triggers, taking responsibility, and finally, identifying specific actions to prevent future recurrences.

9. Apologize After Understanding

Do not apologize too quickly for regrettable incidents; instead, apologize specifically for your contribution only after fully understanding the impact of your actions on your partner and what vulnerabilities were triggered for them.

10. Take Notes During Conflict

Carry a notebook and take notes when your partner is expressing their feelings or point of view; this helps you stay cognitive, reduces defensiveness, demonstrates active listening, and prevents arguments over differing recollections.

11. Repair During a Fight

If a conversation is veering off track, use repair attempts focused on emotions and personal needs (e.g., ‘I’m feeling defensive, can you say that another way?’ or ‘I didn’t say that right, can I try again?’) to guide the discussion back to a productive path.

12. Address Meta-Emotion Mismatch

If you and your partner have different feelings or thoughts about emotions (meta-emotions), discuss these differences, share their origins (e.g., childhood history), and negotiate a comfortable way to express emotions for both of you.

13. Focus on Communication Process

Beyond the content of your arguments, actively discuss and negotiate the way you communicate (the process) to ensure it is effective and addresses any flaws in your interaction style.

14. Distinguish Problem Types

Recognize that 69% of relationship problems are ‘perpetual’ (based on personality, values, or lifestyle differences) and cannot be solved, but rather need to be managed, while ‘solvable’ problems have clear solutions.

15. Identify Problem Roots

Be aware that seemingly ‘solvable’ problems often have deeper roots in ‘perpetual’ differences; diving deep to understand these underlying lifestyle or personality preferences can help manage surface issues.

16. Use Private Communication Codes

Establish specific code words or phrases with your partner to signal when you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or when a particular dynamic is at play, allowing for de-escalation or clarification without further conflict.

17. Accept Conflict as Natural

Understand that conflict is an inevitable and natural part of all relationships, even with genetically identical individuals, and avoiding it can lead to suppressing needs and loneliness.

18. Know When to End

Consider ending a relationship if there are unresolvable conflicts over fundamental life choices (e.g., having children, living location), persistent physical or verbal abuse without responsibility, or unaddressed serious addiction despite repeated attempts to get help.