Feel Your Feelings, Drop the Story | Sebene Selassie
Dan Harris and meditation teacher Sebene Selassie discuss challenges with breath meditation, techniques for managing shame and rumination (including RAIN), and Sebene's four elements practice for embodiment.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Introduction to Episode Topics
Challenges with Breath Meditation
Benefits of Nasal Breathing and Relaxation
Alternative Meditation Objects and Relaxation
Working with Feelings of Shame
Understanding and Applying the RAIN Technique
Addressing Rumination and Dropping Stories
Coping with Colonoscopy Prep Discomfort
The Four Elements Practice for Embodiment
Applying Elements Practice in Daily Life
5 Key Concepts
Shame vs. Guilt
Guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong, which can lead to healthy responses like remorse. Shame, however, is the feeling of being fundamentally wrong or bad, and is generally considered unhelpful.
RAIN Technique
An acronym for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture, used to process strong emotions. It provides a structured way to acknowledge and work through feelings in the body, allowing them to dissipate naturally.
Non-Identification
A concept in meditation where one learns to separate their sense of self from thoughts and emotions. Techniques include reframing 'I am feeling X' to 'there is X' or 'X is being known.'
Embodiment
The practice of getting out of one's head and into the body by focusing on physical sensations. It serves as a remedy for rumination and a way to connect with the present moment, often through practices like the elements.
Elements Practice
An ancient Buddhist practice involving mindfulness of earth (solidity), water (fluidity), fire (temperature/energy), and air (ephemeral/breath). It helps connect internal and external experiences and fosters a sense of interconnection with reality.
8 Questions Answered
Many people are shallow or mouth breathers, and focusing on the breath can emphasize these constrictions. It can also stem from an achievement-oriented mindset rather than one of relaxation.
You can focus on other body sensations like hands, feet, or even your heartbeat. Lying down can also make breath meditation easier due to increased relaxation.
Recognize shame as 'I am wrong' versus guilt as 'I did something wrong.' Treat it like any other mind state by returning to your chosen object of attention, or use techniques like RAIN to process it in the body.
RAIN stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. It's a method to skillfully engage with strong emotions by acknowledging them, allowing them to be present, exploring their sensations, and offering self-compassion.
The key is to 'feel your feelings, drop the story.' Focus on the physical sensations of the emotion in your body and return to present-moment awareness, rather than getting lost in the narrative of past events.
Allow yourself to feel the discomfort without judgment or the expectation of being perfectly mindful. Bring comfort to yourself through movement, rocking, or practical aids, and try to be with the raw experience rather than the story about it.
The elements practice involves mindfully sensing earth (solidity), water (fluidity), fire (temperature), and air (breath/movement) in the body and environment. It helps to ground you in physical reality and fosters a sense of interconnection, moving you out of your head.
While originally 'non-identification,' 'nurture' is often used now because non-identification can be a deeper, more conceptual practice that might get practitioners 'in their head' rather than experiencing the emotion.
18 Actionable Insights
1. Don’t Force Breath Meditation
If focusing on your breath feels forced or unnatural, it’s acceptable to use other objects of attention like hands or feet. Forcing the breath can emphasize shallow or constricted breathing patterns.
2. Relaxation Aids Awakening
Approach meditation with ease and relaxation rather than tension or an achievement-oriented mindset. This sense of ease is more conducive to deepening your practice and ’lightening up’ in life.
3. Feel Feelings, Drop Story
When ruminating about past regrets, focus on feeling the physical sensations of the emotion in your body. Consciously let go of the accompanying mental narrative or story to prevent getting lost in thought loops.
4. Return to Body for Rumination
If you tend to be overly intellectual or prone to rumination, ground yourself in the body through practices like focusing on breath, sensations, movement, or the elements. This helps to cut constant storytelling.
5. Use RAIN for Strong Emotions
Apply the RAIN technique (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) to process intense emotions like shame or anger. This structured approach helps emotions dissipate naturally in the body.
6. Distinguish Guilt from Shame
Understand that guilt is about having done something wrong, which can lead to healthy responses like remorse. Shame, however, is the feeling of being fundamentally wrong, which is generally not useful.
7. Stay on Meditation ‘Trail’
When shame or other strong thoughts arise during meditation, avoid getting lost in looped thinking. Instead, gently return to your chosen object of attention, whether it’s the body or open awareness.
8. Practice Elements Meditation
To get out of your head and into your body, practice feeling the solidity of earth, the fluidity of water, the energetic temperature of fire, and the ephemeral nature of air. Guided meditations can help you learn this.
9. Identify Elements in Daily Life
Extend your elements practice beyond formal meditation by identifying earth (solidity), water (fluidity), fire (temperature), and air (movement/breath) in your everyday surroundings and body sensations.
10. Improve Breath Health
Learn to breathe in a relaxed way through the nose, as it helps settle the nervous system and produces nitric oxide for relaxation. Practices like yoga or specific breath work can assist with this.
11. Try Lying Down Meditation
Meditating while lying down can make it easier to be with the breath because the body is generally more relaxed. This posture can help ease any perceived breath constriction.
12. No ‘Brownie Points’ in Meditation
Avoid judging your breath meditation based on where you feel it (e.g., nostrils vs. belly) or striving for an ‘achievement idea.’ The goal is simply to be with the breath as it is, wherever it’s felt.
13. Shift ‘I Am’ to ‘There Is’
To practice non-identification with emotions, reframe ‘I am feeling shame’ to ’there is shame.’ This subtle grammatical shift can alter your relationship to the emotion, creating distance.
14. Embrace ‘Shame as Being Known’
Another non-identification technique is to shift from ‘I am aware of shame’ to ‘shame is being known,’ then question ‘known by what?’ to explore the nature of awareness itself.
15. Don’t Beat Yourself Up
When facing unpleasant experiences or discomfort, allow yourself to feel bad or cry without judgment. Don’t add suffering by criticizing your reaction or expecting to be perfectly mindful and at ease.
16. Bring Comfort During Discomfort
During painful or uncomfortable experiences, actively seek ways to bring ease to yourself, such as moving, rocking, or using practical comfort measures like certain pain medications or altering unpleasant drinks.
17. Be with Experience, Not Story
When facing discomfort, try to be present with the raw physical sensations rather than the mental story about how awful it is. Ask yourself if you can truly be with the direct experience.
18. Focus on Heartbeat
If breath meditation is difficult, try focusing on your heartbeat as an alternative object of attention. This can help ground you in the present moment.
8 Key Quotes
One way to think about enlightenment is lightening up.
Dan Harris
Guilt is I did something wrong. Shame is I am wrong.
Sebene Selassie
Feel your feelings, drop the story.
Pema Chodron (cited by Sebene Selassie)
Awakening is just a deepening process of relaxation.
Dharma teacher (cited by Sebene Selassie)
We're just being with the breath, however, we can be with the breath.
Sebene Selassie
There are thousands of tools in meditation. Some will work, some won't.
Dan Harris
You can cry if it sucks.
Sebene Selassie
These drugs are amazing.
Dan Harris
1 Protocols
RAIN Technique for Emotions
Sebene Selassie (originally Michelle McDonald, popularized by Tara Brock)- Recognize what's happening right now (the emotion).
- Allow it to be present.
- Investigate it a little bit deeper when able.
- Nurture yourself or make space for whatever is here.