Esther Perel on the One Thing That Will Improve the Quality of Your Life

1. Optimize Your Relationships

Prioritize and actively optimize the quality of your relationships. This is the most effective lever for achieving happiness, health, and success, as strong relationships significantly reduce stress.

2. Never Worry Alone

When facing worries or problems, actively reach out to others for support instead of dealing with them in isolation. Sharing burdens with strong relationships helps reduce stress, which is linked to longevity.

3. Be Fully Present

Show up fully and be present in your commitments, whether for patients, your team, or family. This is a form of generosity that demonstrates focus and full attention, free from distractions.

4. Practice Proactive Generosity

Cultivate generosity by proactively checking in with family and others you care about, asking yourself who you owe a call or thought to. This extends beyond immediate family and is crucial for maintaining connections.

5. Offer Empathic Presence

When others are struggling, offer empathic presence and listen without feeling the need to fix their problems. Being an empathic witness is crucial for healing and fostering deep connection, making others feel less alone.

6. Learn Productive Conflict Skills

Develop skills to deal with conflict constructively in your relationships. Productive conflict is an intrinsic part of relationships and can lead to stronger connections, restoring balance and allowing for necessary changes.

7. Identify Core Conflict Needs

When in conflict, identify the underlying needs you and the other person are truly fighting for (e.g., power/control, care/closeness, or respect/recognition). Understanding these core themes helps address the root of the issue for more productive resolution.

8. Join a Consistent Group Activity

Engage in a consistent group activity, such as a yoga group or book club, with others. This creates social accountability, builds a cohesive community, and provides frequent touch points that stabilize life.

9. Start a Group with One Person

If you want to start a group activity, begin by asking just one person to join you, framing it as ‘I’m having a hard time doing this alone.’ This leverages social accountability and transforms the activity into a shared experience.

10. Be Available and Say Yes

Make yourself available and say ‘yes’ to social invitations, even if they seem inconvenient. This helps rebuild your social life and demonstrates commitment to friends’ events, fostering connection.

11. Randomly Reach Out to Connect

Regularly reach out to people, including old acquaintances, at random times just to touch base. This helps maintain connections and can lead to poignant, supportive interactions when people need it most.

12. Proactively Reach Out to Others

Proactively reach out to people, especially during difficult times, to express care and acknowledge shared experiences. This creates a vital thread of connection, preventing aloneness and providing empathic witness.

13. Prioritize Phone Calls for Connection

For important connections, prioritize making phone calls over texting. The human voice is a fundamental aspect of connection, fostering a deeper sense of presence and intimacy than text.

14. Make Necessary Apologies

Reflect on who you might owe an apology to and make that apology. Apologies can repair relationships and clear emotional burdens, fostering better connection.

15. Engage in Simple Shared Activities

Regularly engage in simple, shared activities with others, such as taking a walk. These frequent ’touch points’ are crucial for basic well-being and foster connection through shared experience and co-regulation.

16. Plan Activities for Two

When planning an activity, intentionally include another person by buying an extra ticket or planning for two. This engineers social interaction and encourages shared experiences.

17. Proactively Introduce Yourself

In social settings, proactively introduce yourself to strangers and help others connect. This fosters new connections and prevents people from feeling isolated in group environments.

18. Make Spontaneous Social Plans

Make spontaneous plans with people, especially for same-day activities like dinner. Many people are available last-minute and appreciate the invitation, combating aloneness.

19. Host Simple Home Gatherings

Host simple, unfancy gatherings at home where people can bring food or cook together. This creates a relaxed environment for social interaction, fostering connection through shared activity and conversation.

20. Connect Through Shared Motion/Activity

When seeking connection or dealing with anxiety, engage in activities with others that involve hands-on work or physical motion, like cooking or walking. This helps the body process and discharge tension, allowing for co-regulation and deeper connection.

21. Invite Others to Your Activities

Invite others to join you for activities you’re already planning to do, such as swimming or going to the gym. This provides social accountability for both parties, helps others overcome inertia, and fosters shared positive experiences.

22. Channel Distress into Work

When experiencing distress, such as sadness or anxiety, try to channel it into your work or helping others. This can help you step outside yourself, connect with raw life experiences, and open you up to greater depth and focus.

23. Share Group Activity Success

Share your positive experiences with group activities to attract others who might be interested. People are often hungry for connection, and sharing your story can inspire others to join or start similar initiatives.

24. Introvert: Connect Through Shared Interests

If you are an introvert, initiate connection through shared interests, such as music, via written messages. This allows introverts to connect in a way that aligns with their need to replenish alone while still fostering sociability.

25. Avoid Destructive Conflict Behaviors

Avoid destructive conflict behaviors such as attacking the person, shaming, expressing contempt, belittling concerns, or disqualifying what others say. These actions escalate conflict, create polarization, and damage relationships by focusing on character assassination rather than the issue.