Escape From Zombieland | Koshin Paley Ellison

Modern life has turned many of us into zombies. We walk around with our noses in our phones, constantly on the hunt. We're not looking to eat people's brains, per se, but we are looking for mindless hits of dopamine -- from the latest headline, email, text, or "like" on our Instagram post. This has profound consequences, for us as individuals and for the society as a whole. Our guest in this episode argues that we need to wake up to this, and learn how to create human connection. Koshin Paley Ellison is an author, Zen priest, and Jungian psychotherapist. He co-founded the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care and is the author of Wholehearted: Slow Down, Help Out, Wake Up. Ellison dives into his attempts to rescue the cliche of intimacy, how to build meaningful relationships, and what it means to "Find Your Five." He also discusses how experimenting with what he calls "healthy embarrassment" (or allowing yourself to feel exposed) makes for better relationships. In fact, he'll model some of that for us, quite bravely. Just a note: This is a re-run from a few years back. We're re-running a few episodes this summer to give our staff a break, and also to get some of our favorite older episodes into the ears of our many new listeners. Also: This conversation includes references to sensitive topics, including lived experiences of hatred and abuse. That said, it happens in the context of discussions about vulnerability and healing. Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/koshin-paley-ellison-repost

Actionable Insights

1. Find Your Five Core Connections

Identify five people who would show up for you no matter what, and actively cultivate these vital relationships to combat social isolation and build a strong support system.

2. Embrace Healthy Embarrassment

Allow yourself to feel healthy embarrassment about your vulnerabilities and how you function, recognizing that this feeling often covers fear and is a pathway to deeper connection.

3. Cultivate Daily Curiosity & Connection

Actively pay attention to and show curiosity about the people in your everyday life, from neighbors to baristas, to foster recognition and enrich your moment-to-moment experience.

4. Examine Your ‘Black Bag’ for Intimacy

Honestly look at the unaddressed ‘dark stuff’ or old stories you carry, like a victim mentality, as true intimacy requires acknowledging and integrating these parts of yourself.

5. Practice Meditation for Emotional Bearing

Engage in meditation to learn how to stay present with and bear difficult emotions and experiences, turning towards discomfort to build confidence and self-acceptance.

6. Ground Yourself with Hara Focus

During meditation or difficult moments, focus your attention on your Hara (two inches below your belly button) to deepen embodiment, stay grounded, and reduce mental racing.

7. Develop Spontaneity and Presence

Practice being fully present and responsive to ‘what’s needed, what’s next, what’s now’ in each moment, rather than being stuck in your head, to live a more dynamic and authentic life.

8. Ask Brave, Intimate Questions

Cultivate the courage to ask genuine, deep questions of others, as this act of intimacy and love can lead to profound connections and understanding.

9. Extend Unconditional Compassion

Practice extending compassion even to those who express hatred or cause harm, recognizing that true compassion is not limited and choosing not to harbor hate for your own well-being.

10. Engage in Small Positive Interactions

Seek out and appreciate small acts of kindness, like holding a door open, and notice the positive feelings they generate, as these simple interactions are infinitely scalable and improve daily life.

11. Practice Dyad (Eye Contact) for Connection

Engage in exercises like the dyad, maintaining sustained eye contact, to overcome the vulnerability of not knowing what to say and foster deeper, non-verbal connection.

12. Live Wholeheartedly: Slow Down, Help Out, Wake Up

Embrace the overarching philosophy of slowing down, helping others, and waking up to the present moment, allowing the ‘10,000 things’ of life to flow with incredible liveliness.