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Don't Side With Yourself | Matthew Hepburn

Nov 10, 2021 1h 7m 27 insights
<p>Work can be one of the most difficult places to apply meditative concepts such as mindfulness, patience, and kindness. But work can also be an amazing testing ground for your attempts at meditation and other forms of self-improvement.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Unlike many meditation teachers, Matthew Hepburn has spent a lot of time in the professional world. He has worked at Apple and in the service industry. He's also a long time leader at the Ten Percent Happier company and is the host of the new <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/teachers#:~:text=Matthew%20Hepburn%20is%20a%20straightshooting,Meditation%20Center%20in%20Boston%2C%20MA." rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Twenty Percent Happier</a> podcast. In this episode, Matthew talks about how to change your relationship to your thoughts; how to navigate the highs of praise and the lows of blame; how to handle relationships at work, including relationships that require you to give and/or receive feedback; and how to bring your mindfulness practice to your workplace, starting with something as simple as a cup of coffee.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>And be sure to join Matthew in the seven-day Work Life Challenge, where you'll get the chance to practice a meditation related to your work life, led by Matthew or Dawn Mauricio, another TPH meditation teacher and recent podcast guest. <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Download</a> the Ten Percent Happier app now to join the Challenge for free.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>The "Healing Ourselves, Healing Our World," online benefit for the New York Insight Meditation Center is on November 13 and 14. Register <a href="http://nyimc.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">here</a> to participate.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/matthew-hepburn-396" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/matthew-hepburn-396</a></p> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights

1. Don’t Side With Yourself

When encountering contentious issues, actively choose not to automatically align with your own perspective. This practice helps in understanding others’ viewpoints and fostering resolution, especially in work contexts where ego can lead to entrenchment.

2. Work as Self-Improvement Dojo

View your workplace as a powerful environment for practicing meditative concepts like mindfulness, patience, and kindness. This allows you to integrate self-improvement into a challenging daily context rather than isolating it.

3. Thoughts Are Not Truths

Cultivate the skill to recognize thoughts as mere fabrications or perspectives, not absolute truths or universal laws. This allows you to choose whether to believe in and feed thoughts that might lead to overwhelm or misery.

4. Question Painful Thoughts

Use painful or stressful thoughts as an alarm bell for mindfulness, then actively question ‘what else is true?’ This practice helps shift your perspective and find alternative, less overwhelming truths about a situation.

5. Focus on the Present Moment

Combat overwhelm by focusing on the present moment rather than collapsing future tasks into a single overwhelming thought. Plan when necessary, but then return your attention to the immediate next few minutes, tackling one thing at a time.

6. Let Go of Compelling Thoughts

Practice recognizing when you’re absorbed in a compelling thought narrative, then consciously let it go and avoid feeding it. Redirect your attention to simple, present-moment sensory experiences to break the cycle of overthinking.

7. Don’t Define by Praise/Blame

Adopt an equanimous understanding of praise and blame, viewing them as transient ‘weather patterns’ that come and go, often independently of your actions. Avoid defining your self-worth or the quality of your life solely based on these external social feedbacks.

8. Focus on Work, Not Outcome

Recognize that an excessive focus on outcomes or potential social reactions (praise/blame) can derail your ability to concentrate and bring creativity to your work. Shift your focus back to the work itself to improve its quality and reduce anxiety.

9. Own Your Crap Undefended

Develop undefended self-awareness of your weaknesses, struggles, or areas for growth. This vulnerability can disarm others, open dialogue, and foster trust in professional relationships.

10. Share Burdens with Trusted Ones

Share your burdens and overwhelming thoughts with trusted individuals, such as a spouse or thought partner. Externalizing these issues through conversation can make challenges seem less daunting and provide relief.

11. Ask for Help Generously

Reframe asking for help as an act of generosity, recognizing that offering assistance often brings joy to the helper. This perspective encourages you to accept support graciously, allowing others the opportunity to express kindness.

12. Don’t Obstruct Generosity

Actively avoid obstructing others’ generosity and seek opportunities for them to express it towards you and others. This fosters a culture of giving and receiving, enhancing well-being for all involved.

13. Center Relationship in Feedback

When giving critical feedback, explicitly reaffirm and center the importance of the working relationship. This foundational trust helps ensure that even heated discussions can lead to solutions without spiraling into drama or resentment.

14. Express Positive Intention

Before delivering difficult feedback, clearly articulate your positive intention, such as caring about the relationship or the project’s success. This sets a constructive tone and helps the recipient be more receptive.

15. Check-in Before Giving Feedback

Before delivering critical feedback, ask the recipient if it’s a good time and place, and how they prefer to receive feedback. This gives them agency, levels the power dynamic, and increases the likelihood of the feedback landing well.

16. Build Trust for Upward Feedback

To effectively give feedback to those in power, proactively build a relationship of mutual trust and commitment. Centering this relationship creates a safe space for honest and direct communication, even across hierarchical divides.

17. Hold Strong Opinions Lightly

Cultivate the ability to hold strong opinions lightly, engaging in deep, authentic listening to understand others’ perspectives without defensiveness. This fosters a collaborative environment where ideas can be built upon, rather than debated combatively.

18. Practice Non-Attachment to Views

Practice non-attachment to your views and opinions, recognizing that rigid adherence and debate lead to suffering. Cultivate mental spaciousness around any given perspective to reduce internal conflict and promote well-being.

19. Be Cautious When Disempowered

If you are in a disempowered position at work, exercise thoughtfulness and caution when considering giving feedback ‘up the food chain.’ Prioritize your self-care and overall employment safety, as not all workplaces are safe for complete candor.

20. Evaluate Workplace Authenticity

Reflect on whether your current workplace allows you to be honest and authentic, as suppressing your truth can be detrimental to your well-being. If not, consider if you need to seek an environment where you can be real.

21. Integrate Well-being into Work

Strive to integrate well-being and self-care into your work life rather than compartmentalizing it for after-hours. A balanced work relationship contributes significantly to overall life satisfaction and reduces the need for ‘crammed’ self-care.

22. Mindful Coffee Cup Reach

Use routine actions like reaching for a coffee cup as a mindfulness trigger to notice subtle fluctuations in your well-being during the workday. This awareness helps you identify and respond to minor stressors before they escalate.

23. Attune to Subtle Well-being

By becoming attuned to subtle shifts in your well-being, you can proactively and creatively respond to minor stressors throughout the day. This self-allyship builds resilience and sustained energy, rather than only reacting to major issues.

24. Embrace Public Learning

Embrace public learning and the willingness to be ‘only okay’ when trying new things, especially in professional roles where you lack prior experience. This reduces self-imposed pressure and allows for growth without the burden of immediate perfection.

25. Combat Overwhelm with Trust

To combat overwhelm, relax into trusted work relationships, rely on your developed skills, and maintain a humble, growth-oriented mindset. This approach helps you navigate uncertainty and new challenges without succumbing to stress.

26. Openly Discuss Troubles

Develop the ability to openly discuss troubling issues with trusted friends, therapists, or even your boss. This helps in processing difficulties and reduces the pain of internalizing problems, even if it feels uncomfortable initially.

27. Tap Work Relationships

When facing challenges, intentionally adopt perspectives that encourage you to leverage your existing work relationships. This can lead to creative engagement and better outcomes by seeking help or grace from colleagues.