Shift your focus from seeking external validation to building a sense of internal safety within your own body, as this is the foundational step before attempting to set boundaries or unfawn in relationships. Starting with external changes without internal safety can be counterproductive, making your body believe unfawning is unsafe.
Reduce shame by understanding fawning as a “genius adaptation” your body developed to survive dysfunctional environments, rather than a personal flaw. This shift from “what’s wrong with me?” to “what happened to me?” provides context and validation, opening the door to healing and more choices.
Allow yourself to feel and process anger as a healthy, vital part of the human condition, rather than suppressing it. To do this, place a hand on your own heart, get curious about the physical sensations of anger, and explore what it needs or wants to happen, building an embodied relationship with yourself.
Use your senses to regulate your nervous system by deliberately noticing what you see, hear, or feel in your present environment, bringing yourself out of autopilot and into an embodied state. Simple activities like walking in nature or listening to music can also be powerful tools for subtle movements towards self-connection and flexibility.
Abandon the binary thinking of “broken or healed” and recognize that healing is a continuous process of discovery, grief, and growth, not a finish line. The goal is not to eliminate fawning entirely, but to discern when a situation is truly dangerous versus merely uncomfortable, preventing your body from living in constant threat response.
Actively see, own, and name your own experiences and wounds, even if external validation from others is absent. This internal self-seeing is a powerful access point to release the hold of past experiences and foster a profound sense of self-connection.
Consider engaging with trauma-informed therapies like Somatic Experiencing (SE), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or EMDR to connect with your whole being and build a relationship with yourself. Trust your gut feeling when choosing a modality and observe your own experience as you engage with it.
Once you’ve built internal safety, begin practicing unfawning in low-stakes situations, such as correcting a waiter or expressing a dinner preference to a friend. These small, successful experiences provide experiential feedback to your body, building confidence for larger risks.
Move beyond binary “yes” or “no” boundaries by considering what parts of a request you are genuinely available for. Communicate these modified boundaries with nuance, for example, “I can help, but I need you back by nine because…” to make boundary-setting more accessible and sustainable.
Engage in vulnerability with trusted, safe individuals in your life to deepen relationships and practice bringing more of your full self to the table. You can explicitly state your intention to be more authentic and ask if the relationship can hold differences of opinion.
If you hold a position of power (e.g., boss, parent), actively work to even the playing field by being curious about others’ true feelings and creating an environment where disagreement is safe and valued. You can also self-disclose minor personal habits (like looking at notes) to reduce potential misinterpretations and foster trust.
When you find yourself fawning, acknowledge that your body chose this response in a nanosecond to keep you safe, even if it wasn’t a conscious decision. This understanding helps to reduce self-judgment and shame, recognizing it as a valid, albeit sometimes unhelpful, survival strategy.
Use your imagination to recall or create memories of feeling safe and connected, as this can induce similar positive feelings and experiences in your body. Explore guided meditations for “safe place” or “calm place” online to access these internal resources.
Reflect on behaviors such as caring too much about others’ opinions, saying yes when you mean no, avoiding conflict, appeasing, over-volunteering, or feeling resentful, as these are key indicators of fawning. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing them.