Actively practice self-compassion as a trainable mental skill. Research suggests it’s a powerful alternative to self-criticism, leading to less anxiety and greater resilience.
Combine the spaciousness of mindfulness (non-judgmental awareness of experience) with the heart-opening qualities of compassion (friendly warmth towards the experiencer). Both are essential for holding difficult experiences and supporting yourself effectively.
Direct friendliness and warmth towards yourself, the experiencer, rather than just the experience itself. This complements mindfulness by specifically targeting self-kindness, especially when facing painful experiences.
Offer yourself compassion because you feel bad, not with the goal of making the pain disappear. Using compassion to try to make pain go away is a form of resistance, whereas true compassion accepts the pain while offering warmth.
Allow your painful experiences to be as they are, without trying to manipulate or resist them. If you don’t accept what’s happening, it will make things worse, but accepting it allows you to then offer yourself kindness.
When struggling, practice a three-step ‘self-compassion break’: 1) Mindfully acknowledge your pain (‘This is a moment of suffering’), 2) Remind yourself of common humanity (‘Suffering is a part of life’), and 3) Offer yourself kindness and support (‘May I be kind to myself’). This helps you stay present, connected, and self-supportive during difficult moments.
Replace a harsh inner critic with an encouraging, supportive, and kind inner voice, like a good coach. This inner ally provides strength, coping, and resilience, unlike a critical voice which undermines performance and well-being.
Employ gentle, supportive physical touch (e.g., hand on heart, solar plexus, holding your own hand) when feeling distressed. This physiological action activates the body’s care system, promoting feelings of safety, warmth, and calming the nervous system.
Find and use language for self-compassion that feels authentic and comfortable to you, such as what you’d say to a close friend or what an ideal compassionate figure would say. The attitude of caring and warmth is more important than specific words, and personalized language enhances effectiveness.
Accept your inherent flaws and ‘messiness’ as a normal part of being human, aiming to become a ‘compassionate mess.’ Holding your imperfections with kindness and friendliness prevents taking them personally and allows for growth.
Motivate yourself with encouragement and support rather than fear or harsh self-criticism. This approach leads to higher motivation, psychological flexibility, and better coping without the negative consequences of anxiety or depression.
Approach your mistakes with a learning and growth mindset, asking ‘What can I learn from this?’ instead of taking them personally. This attitude fosters success and motivation more effectively than self-criticism.
View self-compassion as a way to provide yourself with consistent warmth, acceptance, and guidance, similar to an ideal parent. This helps internalize a reliable source of care and support, especially if early parenting was lacking.
Practice self-compassion by dropping out of your head and into your body, focusing on physical sensations. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress hormones and promoting a felt sense of safety and calm.
Consciously soften and warm the internal tone of voice you use when speaking to yourself. Tone of voice is a powerful pre-verbal trigger for the care system, fostering feelings of safety and warmth.
When practicing self-compassion, consciously relax your body posture rather than being tense or tight. A relaxed posture can physiologically promote feelings of safety and warmth, complementing mental and verbal practices.
When your mind wanders during meditation, gently guide it back with kindness, treating it like a wandering toddler. This transforms a common challenge into an opportunity to practice self-compassion and acceptance.
When facing frustrations in meditation (e.g., falling asleep, inability to focus), use them as opportunities to practice compassion, giving yourself kindness and acceptance. This helps cultivate self-kindness for common human experiences in practice.
Focus on the soothing and comforting quality of your breath during meditation. The breath’s rhythm can activate the care system, providing an internal sense of being cared for.
Practice a Tonglen-inspired breath meditation: breathe in compassion for yourself, and with each out-breath, breathe out compassion for others. This connecting practice helps alleviate empathic distress and burnout, especially for caregivers, by validating one’s own pain while extending kindness outward.
Write a self-compassionate letter to yourself for seven consecutive days. This simple act promotes perspective-taking, disidentification from pain, reminds of common humanity, and fosters kindness, leading to reduced depression and increased happiness for months.
Cultivate both the receptive, tender (yin) side for acceptance and healing, and the action-oriented, fierce (yang) side for protection, motivation, and setting boundaries. Both are necessary for full well-being and authentic self-expression.
When setting boundaries or protecting yourself, act with ‘caring force’ – being forceful from a place of care, not aggression or blame. This allows for clean, effective action that honors your needs without causing unnecessary harm or internal conflict.
When experiencing intense shame, hold that pain with kindness, reminding yourself it’s part of being human and everyone makes mistakes. Self-compassion is crucial for dealing with shame, preventing destructive behaviors and allowing for healing and acceptance.
Reflect on and challenge internalized gender roles that may limit your expression of either tender (yin) or fierce (yang) qualities. Overcoming these societal biases allows for a more authentic and balanced self-expression, reducing personal harm.
Use self-compassion in your work or creative endeavors, allowing yourself to take time and strive for quality. This approach reduces pressure and enables you to make the output as good as possible, as Dan Harris did with his book.
Pay attention to where emotions manifest physically in your body. This awareness (congruence between feeling and bodily location) contributes to well-being and helps in directing self-compassion.
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