Actively discuss sexual desires and expectations with your partner, especially in straight relationships, as this communication fosters intimacy and improves your sex life, even if it feels challenging due to fear of rejection.
Strive to be ‘Good, Giving, and Game’ (within reason) in your sexual relationships by developing skills, sometimes giving pleasure without immediate reciprocity, and being open to exploring your partner’s reasonable sexual interests, as this fosters connection and satisfaction for both.
Have realistic expectations for monogamy, viewing it more like sobriety (where one can ‘fall off the wagon’ and recover) rather than virginity (where a single transgression ends it), to help relationships endure and survive infidelity if it occurs.
To combat sexual boredom and rekindle the spark in long-term monogamous relationships, actively create new adventures and excitement together, rather than expecting it to be a default as it was at the beginning.
Choose to ’love, support, and let’ your partner grow and change over time, rather than resenting their evolution, as this openness allows for falling in love with an ’entirely new person’ within the same relationship.
Recognize that disappointment is an inevitable and valuable part of long-term relationships; when it arises, choose to love, forgive, and move forward, rather than letting it derail the connection.
If you’re bored in your relationship, admit it to your partner by framing it as an inevitable consequence of chronology and time together, rather than an accusation of their failure, to open a dialogue about solutions.
Initiate sexual encounters by asking ‘What are you into?’ to empower partners to express their desires and boundaries, leading to more fulfilling and consensual experiences.
Adopt a broad definition of what counts as ‘sex’ (e.g., mutual masturbation, oral sex, fantasy play) to increase the frequency and variety of sexual experiences, leading to a more interesting and fulfilling sex life.
Adopt a narrow definition of what constitutes ‘cheating’ to reduce the likelihood of feeling cheated on, which can help relationships endure and recover from perceived transgressions.
For couples unhappy with a sexless companionate relationship, agree to have sex once a week outside the house or bed, initiated by one partner, to reintroduce the excitement and risk-taking present at the beginning of a relationship.
Recognize that good sex, including playfulness, intimacy, and foreplay, requires practice, skill development, and receptiveness to feedback, rather than expecting it to be purely spontaneous or instinctive.
Become good at sex by not only reading physical cues but also actively soliciting verbal input and direction from your partner, framing questions like ‘Does this feel good?’ as a form of verbal foreplay to enhance the experience.
View your kinks and unique sexual interests as a ‘sorting hat’ that can lead you to compatible partners and experiences you wouldn’t otherwise encounter, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing sexual compatibility in relationships.
In a committed, sexually exclusive relationship, make an effort to meet your partner’s reasonable sexual needs and indulge their fantasies, as this contributes to their happiness, connection, and contentment.
When confronted with a partner’s sexual interest that initially elicits an ’ew, yuck’ reaction, challenge this knee-jerk response by recognizing that variance is normal in human sexuality, and consider if you can overcome your initial aversion.
When a partner shares an unfamiliar sexual interest, pause before reacting negatively; instead, sit with the idea, consider it without shame, and explore if there’s any aspect you might enjoy, rather than immediately recoiling.
Understand that being in a committed relationship may require accepting that some of your sexual interests will not be fulfilled by your partner; if you choose to pay this ‘price of admission,’ do so without complaint and accept the relationship as it is.
To reignite passion, break out of established sexual routines by changing locations (e.g., outside the house or bed) and surprising each other.
Recognize that the natural dissipation of initial sexual adventure in long-term relationships is a positive sign, replaced by equally valuable qualities like stability, intimacy, and comfort, which you can then intentionally work to reintroduce adventure into.
Embrace the idea that a couple is a co-created myth or story, and actively work to revise, rewrite, and edit that story together over time, rather than viewing it as a fixed entity.
Recognize that long-term relationships can and should evolve over time, as what works in early stages may not be suitable or desired in later decades.
Understand that as relationships mature and become more secure, there may be increased capacity and bandwidth to include other people in your life, such as in a polyamorous structure.
In polyamorous or open relationships, ensure partners are not taken for granted or ditched, as jealousy can arise from feeling excluded or unconsidered, not just from sexual activity with others.
Acknowledge that relationships can be mostly monogamous with occasional outside sexual experiences, or involve acknowledging desire and fantasies for others even if physically exclusive, as a potential model for your own relationship.
When jealousy arises in any relationship, view it as a signal to check in, seek reassurance, or communicate more, as it often indicates insecurity, thoughtlessness, or unstated assumptions.
If monogamy does not genuinely work for you, avoid making monogamous commitments you cannot keep, and instead consider non-monogamous options as valid and committed relationship choices.
Do not define relationship success solely by its duration or ending in a ‘funeral home’; instead, consider a relationship successful if, after it ends, both parties can remain in each other’s lives and think well of one another.
In long-term relationships, strive to live up to the ‘Potemkin village’ (best) version of yourself that you presented at the beginning, as this process can help you become closer to that ideal self and strengthen the relationship.
Consider living and exploring life (like gay people historically did) before settling down into marriage and children, as this can prevent a midlife crisis and allow for a more self-determined life path.
Actively seek out interactions with diverse populations, such as by living in or visiting urban centers, as exposure to different kinds of people is a powerful way to open your mind and foster cultural evolution.