Conflict Is Normal. Here's How To Keep It Healthy And Avoid Disaster. | Amanda Ripley

1. Cultivate Internal Good Conflict

Focus on maintaining ‘good conflict’ within your own mind, especially when external conflict is out of your control, to reduce misery, improve sleep, and identify openings for useful action.

2. Practice Looping for Understanding

Slow down conflict by practicing ’looping for understanding’: paraphrase what the other person has said in your own words, then check if you’ve understood them correctly, showing you are genuinely trying to listen.

3. Uncover Conflict’s Understory

Look beyond the surface of a conflict to identify its true ‘understory,’ which often revolves around issues of respect, care, stress, or power, to engage in more meaningful and effective resolution.

4. Set Boundaries, Issue Invitations

Maintain relationships by setting clear boundaries and rules for difficult conversations, engaging in small doses. Issue an ‘invitation’ to discuss things differently, expressing vulnerability and asking if the other person also desires a change in dynamic.

5. Resist Binary Thinking

Avoid categorizing people or situations into ‘us vs. them’ binaries, even internally, as this oversimplifies complex realities and prevents progress in resolving conflict.

6. Avoid Public Humiliation

When in conflict, remove any audience to prevent public humiliation of the other party, as this emotion can escalate conflict and lead to lasting animosity.

7. Identify & Avoid Conflict Entrepreneurs

Recognize ‘conflict entrepreneurs’ who inflame disputes for personal gain by observing if they delight in others’ suffering or constantly frame issues as disrespectful; distance yourself from them and avoid becoming one.

8. Use Mantras for Inner Peace

Employ internal mantras like ‘dead end’ to halt unproductive mental arguments and ’love no matter what’ to cultivate understanding of others’ motivations, thereby reducing internal conflict and promoting inner peace.

9. Practice Rhythmic Breathing

Regularly practice rhythmic breathing techniques, such as box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4), to consciously calm your nervous system, enabling you to automatically apply this skill during stressful conflict situations.

10. Utilize Intentional Distraction

When feeling overwhelmed by conflict, intentionally distract your brain by focusing on unrelated details or activities, which can slow down the conflict and shift your focus away from an unhelpful threat response.

11. Maintain Key Relationships

Strive to maintain relationships with people you care about, even amidst significant disagreements, as these connections can provide a crucial path out of high conflict for all parties involved.

12. Engage in Contact Theory

Actively seek meaningful interactions with diverse individuals under conditions of equal footing and shared purpose, or consume media that facilitates vicarious understanding of different perspectives, as this reduces prejudice and bias.

13. Diagnose High Conflict Tendencies

Regularly check for signs of high conflict in your own life, such as using grandiose language, the presence of rumors, withdrawal of moderate voices, or if the conflict feels self-perpetuating, to identify if you’ve crossed the line.

14. Practice Counterintuitive Conflict Moves

Recognize that intuitive reactions in high conflict situations often exacerbate the problem; instead, prepare and practice counterintuitive strategies to effectively disengage or de-escalate.

15. Complicate Simple Narratives

Be suspicious of overly simple stories in conflict and actively seek to complicate the narrative by asking questions that reveal nuance, such as what’s oversimplified or where people feel torn, to foster curiosity and deeper understanding.

16. Mindful Social Media Use

Engage with social media mindfully, prioritizing content that supports ‘good conflict’ or healthy distraction, and immediately disengage by putting your phone down if you notice a rising heart rate or fear response.

17. Curate News Consumption

Avoid starting your day with news and instead consume it later, actively seeking out stories of progress and news outlets that ‘root for humanity’ to maintain a balanced perspective and prevent early-day nervous system activation.