Focus on your own insight, agency, and growth within a relationship, as this is all you can control, rather than solely fixating on the other person’s problems and their need to change.
A boundary is a need you express and enforce to maintain safety and autonomy in a relationship, such as leaving a room if an argument escalates to screaming.
Do not assume others are mind readers; clearly communicate your needs and boundaries, as people may cross them unintentionally if they are unaware of your expectations.
Understand that abuse involves a pattern of gaining power and control with no remorse, while bad behavior can occur in healthy relationships and is often followed by genuine repair.
If you perceive someone as having a personality disorder, focus on changing your own behavior, approach, and the closeness of your relationship with them, rather than confronting them with a diagnosis.
To self-interrogate for abusive tendencies, consistently take personal responsibility for your part in problems and avoid always blaming the other person, as abusers rarely do this.
If accused of gaslighting or another disorder, take a deep breath, avoid immediate reaction, clarify their feelings and your behavior, and repair the incident.
If you suspect a partner needs help, offer observations in a quiet, calm moment, expressing worry about patterns affecting them and the relationship, and suggest they seek assessment or therapy.
Instead of diagnosing, identify problematic behaviors, determine if a workable relationship is possible, and if not, consider ending the relationship for your well-being.
Consider refraining from using most therapy terms in everyday conversation, as they are often meant for the clinical setting and can be misused or weaponized outside of it.
Do not feel compelled to identify with common diagnoses like anxiety or depression just to be part of a cultural ‘in-group,’ as this can lead to self-misdiagnosis and identity formation around a disorder.
When discussing mental health, aim to provide uplift and actionable steps rather than solely dwelling in the suffering, to encourage proactive management of challenges.
Identify and share your painful feelings in a safer, more effective way to interrupt negative cycles and avoid escalated conflict in relationships.
To determine if you are in an abusive relationship, look for repeated patterns of abuse, feelings of isolation or fear, and a loss of your sense of reality, and seek external validation from therapists, friends, or family.
For difficult relationships you can’t easily leave (e.g., family, boss), repeatedly reinforce boundaries, pick your battles, and consider shifting the relationship dynamics or closeness.
When setting boundaries, understand you can only control your own reactions and efforts to recondition others’ behavior, not their actions, to maintain your safety and autonomy.
If accused of a disorder, pause, consider if others have made similar observations, and if the accusation is inaccurate, explore why the person felt hurt enough to use that term.
Use the term ‘red flag’ to denote serious warnings of potential abuse or danger in a relationship, rather than for every imperfection, bad behavior, or minor annoyance.
Counteract relational hypervigilance by allowing others leeway to make mistakes, annoy you, and repair, fostering more resilient and successful relationships.
When someone weaponizes a diagnosis like OCD to make demands, explore the underlying importance of their request, encourage kinder framing, and seek compromise rather than complying with control.
Evaluate if a difficult relationship is important enough to commit to the significant work required, especially if a partner has a disorder, and then invest accordingly if it is.
Engage in self-reflection through practices like meditation or therapy to understand your own imperfections, which can increase your capacity for grace and understanding towards others.
During arguments, understand that behaviors like shutting down might be protective responses to overwhelming feelings, rather than intentional abuse, and can be addressed with self-awareness.
Recognize that true gaslighting is an abuse tactic designed to make you doubt your sanity and perception of reality, distinct from simple disagreement or lying.
Understand that true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rare, affecting a small percentage of the population, and is distinct from common selfishness or hurting someone’s feelings.
To identify a clinical narcissist, observe if their grandiose, entitled, and exploitative behaviors are pervasive across all relationships and contexts, not just with you.
Understand that OCD is a distressing disorder with obsessive thoughts and compulsions, distinct from having preferences for organization or cleanliness.
Recognize that bipolar disorder involves distinct mood episodes, such as mania, which are far more intense and prolonged than typical mood changes or a single day of high energy.
Acknowledge that people experience mood changes or emotional states without clear triggers, and avoid pathologizing these normal human experiences.
When dealing with individuals who lack insight into their feelings, needs, or impact on others, recognize they will be challenging partners and be prepared to set clear boundaries.
Recognize that Borderline Personality Disorder stems from trauma, causing an unstable sense of self, difficulty in relationships due to push-pull dynamics, and often involves self-harm or risky behaviors, requiring extensive therapy.
If you choose to use the term ’toxic,’ clarify what specific unhealthy dynamic or problematic behavior you are referring to, as it lacks a precise clinical definition.
Recognize that ’triggered’ clinically refers to a cue that brings up PTSD symptoms for someone with the disorder, not merely experiencing a bad feeling from an event.
Accept that life will inevitably present situations that cause strong emotional reactions, and focus on developing the capacity to manage your emotional responses rather than avoiding all discomfort.
A trauma bond is a severe psychological attachment, akin to Stockholm Syndrome, where a survivor develops a protective connection to an abuser or captor, distinct from bonding over shared difficult experiences.
Do not use clinical terms like diagnoses to control, blame, shift focus, or pathologize people in your life, as this misuses their intention and can be harmful.
Resist the urge to quickly label others (e.g., ’narcissist’) as a way to avoid the discomfort and pain of addressing relationship issues directly.
Therapists should be very careful when introducing diagnostic terms to clients, focusing on traits and tendencies rather than making definitive, heavy diagnoses that may be inaccurate or disempowering.
Therapists should guide clients beyond mere labels to understand behavioral patterns, feelings, and their own agency within relationships, empowering them to make changes rather than disempowering them with external blame.