<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>A crucial (and often misunderstood) concept in Buddhism: letting go.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>For this episode, Executive Producer DJ Cashmere interviewed a trio of brilliant Dharma teachers to get their advice about how to handle surrendering or letting go. This is the fourth in a series of <a href="http://www.happierapp.com/podcast-playlists/correspondent-episodes" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">'correspondent' episodes</a>, in which DJ identifies a pain point in his life and meditation practice, then goes out into the world to report on the best ways to address it.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><a href="https://www.kairajewel.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Kaira Jewel Lingo</a> is a former nun in the Plum Village tradition started by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. <a href="https://vinnyferraro.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Vinny Ferraro</a> teaches at the Insight Meditation Society and Spirit Rock, and also in prisons. <a href="https://www.matthewbrensilver.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Matthew Brensilver</a> teaches at many of the same retreat centers, and spent many years working in the field of addiction pharmacotherapy.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>*<a href="https://levinetalks.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Find the Soft Belly Meditation here</a> </p> <p>*Check out <a href="https://www.sebeneselassie.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Sebene Selassie's website</a> and <a href="https://sebeneselassie.substack.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">newsletter, Ancestor to Elements</a>. Plus, her <a href="https://www.danharris.com/p/dont-push-away-difficult-emotions" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">'Let It Be' guided meditation on DanHarris.com</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p>****</p> <p>Want to study and practice with today's guests? Please check out these <a href="https://www.spiritrock.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Spirit Rock</a> offerings:</p> <p>Matthew Brensilver, <a href="https://courses.spiritrock.org/sp/buddhist-psychology-training-integrating-mindfulness-science-and-clinical-practice/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Buddhist Psychology Training</strong></a> (Begins in January)</p> <p>Vinny Ferraro: <a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/a-year-to-live-yl6t25/?lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>A Year to Live</strong></a>; <a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/discovering-what-death-can-teach-us-about-living-fully-vf1h24/?lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully</strong></a> (Begins in January)</p> <p>Kaira Jewel Lingo: <a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/healing-our-way-home-black-buddhist-teachings-kw1d24/?lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Healing Our Way Home</strong></a> (Oct. 20); <a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/insight-meditation-retreat-216r25-on-land/?lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Insight Meditation Retreat</strong></a> (April 9-16; opens Dec. 11)</p> <p>All <em>10% Happier</em> listeners receive a discount code for our <a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/meeting-the-three-characteristics-through-cultivating-stability-well-being-and-confidence-386r24-on-land/?lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>December Insight Retreat</strong></a> (Dec. 8-18) with the code TENPERCENT</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Vinny and Kaira Jewel will also teach at the <a href="https://myims.dharma.org/s/retreat-center-2025" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Insight Meditation Society</a>:</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Kaira Jewel Lingo,</strong> Strength to Love: Honoring Dr. Martin Luther King: Jr. (Jan 17 - Jan 20), and Return to Wholeness: Opening to Wisdom & Love (online) (Mar 23 - Mar 29)</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Vinny Ferraro,</strong> Peace in Presence: A Four-Night Retreat for All (Jan 31 - Feb 4)</p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Related Episodes:</strong></p> <p><br /></p> <ul> <li><a href="http://www.happierapp.com/podcast-playlists/correspondent-episodes" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Listen to all of DJ's correspondence episodes here</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.happierapp.com/podcast/tph/kaira-jewel-lingo-news" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">3 Buddhist Strategies for When the News is Overwhelming | Kaira Jewel Lingo</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.happierapp.com/podcast/tph/kaira-jewel-lingo-363" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">How to Keep Your Relationships On the Rails | Kaira Jewel Lingo</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.happierapp.com/podcast/tph/vinny-ferraro" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Three Buddhist Practices For Getting Your Sh*t Together | Vinny Ferraro</a></li> <li><a href="https://happierapp.com/podcast/tph/matthew-brensilver-415" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Why Self-Hatred Makes No Sense | Matthew Brensilver</a></li> <li><a href="https://open.spotify.com/episode/7fwlRSshqnGwft9lIPlxGB" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">How to Actually Be Present | Matthew Brensilver</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p>Also, the teachers' sites:</p> <p><a href="https://vinnyferraro.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://vinnyferraro.org/</a></p> <p><a href="https://spirit-rock.secure.retreat.guru/program/a-year-to-live-yl6t25/?_gl=1%2Axlghiq%2A_ga%2AODcwMTMxMTY4LjE3MjI4ODYxNDU.%2A_ga_JJL3LQYNTV%2AMTcyNjY4NzMxNi42LjEuMTcyNjY4NzM1OS4xNy4wLjA.&lang=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Vinny Ferraro's Course, A Year To Live</a></p> <p><a href="https://www.kairajewel.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.kairajewel.com/</a></p> <p><a href="https://www.matthewbrensilver.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.matthewbrensilver.org/</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Feedback form: Let us know what you think!</strong></p> <p><a href="https://www.happierapp.com/contact" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>https://www.happierapp.com/contact</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Sign up for Dan's weekly newsletter</strong> <a href="https://www.danharris.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>here</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Follow Dan on social:</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>TikTok</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Ten Percent Happier online</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>bookstore</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Subscribe to our</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube Channel</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Our favorite playlists on:</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Anxiety</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Sleep</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Relationships</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Most Popular Episodes</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://happierapp.com/podcast/tph/dj-surrender-4" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://happierapp.com/podcast/tph/dj-surrender-4</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Soften to the Present Moment
Instead of resisting, soften to what’s happening and find a fundamental sense of okayness, as this allows discomfort to pass more quickly.
2. Practice Surrender to Uncontrollable Reality
Practice surrender by easing into the reality of what is beyond your control, not by neglecting precautions, but by accepting what cannot be changed.
3. Practice ‘Let It Be’ for Allowing
Instead of ’letting go’ (which can be a subtle attempt at control), practice ’let it be,’ allowing things to exist as they are in the present moment, fostering transformation through aspiration and allowing rather than manipulation.
4. Ask ‘Is It Okay to Feel This?’
When experiencing difficult emotions, start by asking yourself, ‘Is it okay to feel this way?’ to reduce internal conflict and align with reality rather than resisting how things are.
5. Two-Step: ‘It’s Okay’ & Investigate
Practice a two-step approach: first, tell yourself ‘it’s okay’ to feel whatever is happening, accepting reality; then, investigate how this feeling is showing up in your body to understand its constituent parts.
6. Connect with Direct Body Experience
When caught in stories or thoughts about feelings, drop into your body to experience the direct physical sensations of emotions, as the body is more honest and present than the mind.
7. Practice Soft Belly Meditation
Sit down, soften your belly, and continuously return to this softening whenever thoughts or worries arise, which can make phenomena feel less sticky and charged.
8. Mindfulness Self-Liberates Difficulties
Practice mindfulness by clearly observing what is happening in your mind, as this clear seeing can inherently allow difficult thoughts and emotions to dissipate.
9. Ask ‘What’s My Mind’s Attitude?’
Throughout the day, ask yourself, ‘What’s the attitude in my mind right now?’ to identify underlying states of wanting, aversion, or delusion, which can lead to self-liberation upon clear recognition.
10. Practice Self-Compassion for Resistance
When facing difficulty, practice self-compassion by acknowledging that ’this sucks’ and you’re struggling, rather than forcing surrender or beating yourself up; this ‘surrender to your attitude’ initiates the softening process.
11. Use Resistance as a Mindfulness Bell
Treat moments of suffering, struggle, or resistance as an ‘alarm bell’ or ‘mindfulness bell,’ using them as a cue to wake up and apply wise practices, especially when remembering to do so is difficult.
12. Reframe Difficulties as Gifts
Practice surrendering by shifting your perspective to see difficulties or needs as potential ‘gifts’ that foster community, connection, or new opportunities, rather than purely negative experiences.
13. Understand ‘Letting Go’ for Equanimity
Understand letting go as a method to reduce stress and overthinking, stop fighting reality, and achieve equanimity when facing life’s challenges.
14. Treat All Phenomena as ‘False Alarms’
In Dharma practice, cultivate the ability to treat all phenomena (thoughts, sensations, emotions) as ‘false alarms,’ observing them as they are without over-interpreting or reacting to them as urgent demands.
15. Hear ‘Let Go’ for All Experiences
Practice treating all internal and external phenomena—whether pleasant or unpleasant—as a reminder to ’let go,’ relinquishing the need to categorize or control them.
16. Distinguish Surrender from Giving Up
Understand that surrender is a powerful act of opening to reality as it is, freeing energy to relate differently, whereas giving up is a collapse that keeps you trapped in resistance to how things could be different.
17. Simplify Practice to ‘Let Go’
Simplify your meditation practice to just two words: ’let go,’ applying it whenever you find yourself trying to understand or figure things out, allowing the desire to fade.
18. Let It Float if It Returns
If you try to let something go and it returns, practice ’letting it float,’ acknowledging its presence but not grabbing onto it, allowing it to be lighter and less bothersome.
19. Use Self-Talk for Grounding
Engage in self-talk during contracted or conflicted states, using phrases like ‘It’s okay, bro/dude, you’re good,’ or ‘I’m in a body, I’m breathing, I’m okay,’ to presence other realities and ground yourself.
20. Enhance Self-Talk with Third-Person Address
When using self-talk, address yourself in the third person (e.g., ‘dude,’ ‘bro,’ or your own name) to create psychological distance from your anxious thoughts and channel a more compassionate, mentoring voice.
21. Use Soft Belly as an ‘Escape Valve’
If other meditation practices cause agitation, switch to Soft Belly Meditation as a low-pressure ’escape valve’ to find ease and reduce mental friction.
22. Explore Physical Resistance in Body
Observe and explore how much physical resistance, tension, or clenching (e.g., in the belly) you hold throughout the day, and consciously practice softening and taking a few breaths to release it.
23. Acknowledge Skillful Giving Up
Recognize that in overwhelming circumstances, giving up or shutting down can sometimes be a skillful and necessary response, allowing you to walk away or be done with something for a time.
24. Embrace Interdependence in Need
When you find yourself in need, recognize that this situation thrusts you into the reality of interdependence, challenging the illusion of self-reliance and fostering connection.
25. Ask for Help to Enable Generosity
Overcome the conditioning that asking for help is bad; instead, recognize that by asking, you are giving others the opportunity to be generous, which feels good for them.
26. Surrender to Necessary Unpleasantness
Identify areas where a small, unpleasant adjustment (like waking up earlier) can yield a significant benefit, and surrender to that minor discomfort to achieve a greater desired outcome.
27. Meditate by Repeatedly Saying ‘Let Go’
During meditation, when you notice any distraction or phenomenon, mentally repeat ’let go’ and observe the sensation of trying to release it, bringing attention back to your primary object (e.g., breath).