Understand that harboring resentment is detrimental to your physical and mental health, increasing stress and health risks. Practice forgiveness to shed the burden of resentment, allowing you to move forward with wisdom rather than the heavy energy of the past.
Instead of solely focusing on what you are against, shift your attention to what you are for and what you truly care about. This allows you to act from a place of love and connection, drawing people together rather than pushing them away.
Recognize that anger builds up physical energy in the body (heat in gut/throat, activated nervous system) and needs to move through you. Discharge this energy through activities like screaming, singing, stomping, sports, dancing, or drumming to allow for settling and intentional conversation later.
After discharging anger’s physical energy, sit quietly and ask your anger what it has to tell you, as if having a calm cup of tea (or beer) with it. This contemplation allows profound insights to emerge about what is under threat or being dismissed.
Before attempting forgiveness, ensure you have processed any underlying rage and grief, as these emotions are inevitably present when harm has occurred. Addressing them first creates the necessary space for forgiveness.
Incorporate breath work to settle your nervous system before engaging in deeper inquiry or difficult conversations. Simple techniques like breathing through your nose or making your exhale longer than your inhale can help ground you.
To settle your nervous system, intentionally make your exhales longer than your inhales, similar to a yawn or a sigh. This manipulation of breath length promotes grounding and calmness.
To ground your nervous system, consciously breathe through your nose instead of your mouth. Nasal breathing is slower and associated with a settled state, helping to preemptively calm your system.
When you feel annoyed, use it as an opportunity for inner investigation to understand what deeper emotions or unmet needs might be beneath the surface. This helps uncover what is truly bothering you beyond the superficial irritation.
Understand that anger often serves as a protective device, covering up deeper, more vulnerable emotions like grief or fear. This awareness can help you approach your anger with curiosity rather than immediate judgment.
Adopt a ‘good-ish’ mindset, acknowledging that you are imperfect and always have room to grow, rather than believing you are a perfectly ‘good person.’ This fosters a growth mindset, allowing you to receive feedback and learn without an identity crisis.
Depart from ‘purity politics’ and allow yourself and others room for imperfection and negotiation in ethical choices. This enables connection and solidarity with a wider range of people, fostering collective growth rather than isolation.
Acknowledge the good things you and others are doing to uphold moral codes and stand for justice. Simultaneously, accept that as imperfect beings, there will always be more to do, fostering a continuous path of growth rather than striving for unattainable purity.
Recognize that anger, while clarifying and motivating, has a fiery, destructive energy if you stay with it for too long. Prolonged anger can fray relationships and destroy connection.
Before engaging in hard conversations, ensure you are in a grounded place; if not, postpone the discussion to calm down. This prevents the ferocity of anger from scaring someone away and ensures the wisdom of your anger can land effectively.
When having difficult conversations, approach them through a lens of connection by considering what the other person cares about and gearing the conversation through that doorway. This prevents their nervous system from shutting down and allows for genuine engagement.
Practice loving kindness, Karuna, or Tonglen to shift your approach from shaming and judging to slowing down and getting curious about the underlying conditions that lead to harmful behaviors. This fosters better relationships and more effective social change.
When seeking to bring about change, prioritize sitting down, being vulnerable, connecting, and getting curious about what moves others, rather than resorting to shaming or humiliation. This approach fosters greater progress and deeper transformation.
Consider public shaming only as an ’emergency brake’ to stop immediate harm when all other attempts at connection and relationship-building have failed. Recognize that while it can halt harm, it is unlikely to foster genuine long-term change.
If you find yourself frequently pointing fingers at others, use it as a cue to look inward and examine your own behaviors and motivations. This self-reflection, a core aspect of spiritual practices, helps cultivate a better way forward.
Understand that what angers or grieves you in the world often has a personal connection or root within your own history. This awareness encourages self-study and a more integrated approach to addressing external issues.
Seek out a meditation teacher or guide who is further along the path to help you navigate difficulties, offer tools, and provide guidance towards clarity, truthfulness, and kindness. This relationship can prevent detours and accelerate your progress.
Before committing to a meditation teacher, do your homework to understand their background, experience, and approach. This helps ensure you find a skilled and practiced guide suitable for your needs.
Share your struggles and past harms transparently with a trusted teacher, spiritual community (sangha), or friend group. This collective holding reduces the personal weight of your burdens, preventing constriction in your body and nervous system.
Approach difficult practices like forgiveness gradually, starting with minor irritations and slowly building up to greater harms. This ‘muscle-building’ approach prevents overwhelm, trauma triggers, or giving up on the practice.
In meditation, hold a specific instance of harm in your awareness and offer self-forgiveness phrases like, ‘May I forgive myself for any harm I’ve caused, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word, or action.’ Include a phrase for future forgiveness if immediate forgiveness is not possible.
Practice self-forgiveness using gentle phrases such as, ‘May I allow myself to be a student of life and to make mistakes.’ This helps you reckon with past errors without shame, fostering self-compassion and growth.
Approach forgiveness with gentleness and repetition, even if initial attempts evoke discomfort or disdain. Consistent practice, potentially with guidance, gradually reduces shame and allows for authentic reckoning with past events.
If overwhelmed during forgiveness practice, pause and ground yourself by focusing on your breath, opening your eyes to notice three unique things in your space, looking behind you, or engaging in physical self-soothing like rubbing your thighs or massaging your hands. This helps you stay present and safe.
Practice forgiveness for others using phrases like, ‘May I forgive you for the harm you have caused me, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word, or deed.’ Include a phrase for future forgiveness if not ready in the present moment, aiming to release the past’s burden for future spaciousness.
To cultivate equanimity, consider the long-term consequences (1, 5, 10 years) of continuing to fight or resist a difficult reality versus coming to a place of peacefulness with it. This projection can clarify the benefits of choosing equanimity.
Cultivate equanimity by repeating phrases like, ‘May I accept reality as it is, rather than how I would like it to be,’ ‘May I learn to be present with the comings and goings of life,’ and ‘This is what is happening.’ These phrases help you be with the moment as it is, rather than fighting it.
Be present to and acknowledge feedback from your community about positive changes in your behavior, such as reduced reactivity or increased patience. Remind yourself that these are the results of your consistent practice, reinforcing your commitment.
When practicing Tonglen, begin by breathing in and out phrases of love (or a similar word that resonates with you). This initial step helps settle the nervous system and fosters a sense of being cared for and supported.
Practice Tonglen by breathing in suffering and exhaling love to cultivate compassion, but be trauma-informed and choose the ‘suffering’ wisely. If ungrounded, start with minor irritations rather than major tragedies, and avoid it immediately after a crisis.
In Tonglen, practice breathing in love and breathing out suffering to cultivate forgiveness and the ability to let go of limiting beliefs or emotional armor. Ensure you feel safe and resourced before engaging in this practice.
Conclude your Tonglen practice by returning to breathing in and out love, viewing the inhale as gratitude for the world’s beauty and the exhale as generosity to share your resources. This balances the experience and fosters a sense of connection and giving.
When working with difficult people, especially those in power, use Metta (loving-kindness) practice to humanize them. This helps you see them as complex human beings with families and histories, fostering openness to connection rather than just opposition.
Practice gratitude daily to build resilience against life’s sorrows and enhance present moment awareness. Intentionally notice good things, even small ones, to prevent being overwhelmed and to appreciate the beauty around you.
Keep a gratitude journal by writing down one to three good things at the end of each day for at least a month. Regularly re-read your entries to reinforce awareness of life’s goodness and prevent missing the little things that bring joy.
Make joy and play a daily objective, intentionally scheduling or choosing activities that fill you up, even small ones like riding a bike instead of driving. This deliberate practice helps balance the necessary tasks that may not bring joy.
Cultivate a childlike sense of wonder by pausing to ’take in the goodness’ and deliberately noticing the small, fascinating details around you. This practice enhances present moment awareness and brings joy.
Cultivate your own practice of joy, as it compels you to support the joy and resilience of other targeted communities. This can involve uplifting one another and actively supporting efforts like reclaiming cultural practices.
Practice generosity, such as committing to giving a portion of your income to community-run organizations, to share goodness with more people. This act can bring unexpected joy and meaning to mundane tasks, like doing taxes.
When considering purchases, investigate the entire production process, from raw materials to manufacturing, and its impact on communities and the environment. Reflect on whether the personal desire for an item is worth the potential harm to others.