Practice ’loving curiosity’ for yourself and others, approaching experiences like a two-year-old who can do no wrong and just wants to understand. This involves being curious about what’s happening between people and within oneself, integrating head, heart, gut, body, and spirit.
Reawaken the capacity for mentalization by knowing that others have minds and you have a mind, and being curious about both. This helps break through lack of empathy and silos, fostering deep connection.
Strive to be ’exquisitely human’ by being attuned and resonating with others, but also accept being ‘all too human’ by loving yourself despite foibles and fumbles. When you screw up, which is inevitable, practice being okay enough with it.
Metaphorically ‘stand naked in front of a mirror’ to observe your reactions to yourself without judgment. Practice looking at all your internal ‘parts’ with love and kindness, understanding that each part has a role and is trying to help you, even if unskillfully.
Recognize that suffering is an inevitable part of life, and your task is to learn to love in the midst of it. This involves cultivating a ‘muscle of awareness’ and love, even when facing fear and shame.
Find a loved one who is a great listener, or become a great listener for others, as this will help you become a great listener for yourself. By cultivating compassion for others, you also cultivate compassion for your own frailties and failings.
Regularly ask yourself, ‘What state of mind am I in right now?’ to discern if fear and survival instincts are blocking connection, or if you are in an open-hearted, curious state that tolerates ambiguity.
Strive for ‘Kairos’ or existential time, where you lose track of scheduled time (‘Kronos’) and are deeply present and connected with another person. This allows for profound knowing and understanding.
Be aware of the tendency to intellectualize your experiences by coming up with concepts and grand theories. This can be a defense mechanism that prevents inner knowing and looking at your own ‘stuff’.
When you find yourself having trouble mustering warmth or feeling annoyed with someone, inquire about what is happening between you. This self-awareness can be a crucial step towards understanding and re-establishing connection.
When appropriate and with good intention, take the risk of leading with love by expressing difficult truths or feelings in a relationship. This can open pathways for deeper connection and growth, especially when there’s an established foundation of trust.
If a relational risk or difficult interaction causes hurt, view it as ‘fodder for growth and healing.’ Instead of becoming defensive, remain curious about what emerged, allowing for deeper understanding and connection.
Understand that your ‘Hulk’ (survival brain) is a part of you that has served an important function by keeping you safe. Don’t fight or discipline it with force, as that only makes it stronger; instead, give it time to calm down and learn to respect and admire its protective role.
Collaborate with your inner ‘Hulk’ by honoring its protective intent and then offering alternative strategies from other parts of yourself. The goal is to channel its energy for good by working in unison with your other internal ‘Avengers’ towards a shared objective.
When a child is ‘hulking out’ (dysregulated), prioritize giving them time to calm down rather than immediate punishment. Model emotional regulation by acknowledging your own dysregulation and suggesting a break for both of you, then revisit the issue when calmer.
Recognize that experiencing and expressing ‘homicidal rage’ in response to outrageous stories of suffering can be an incredibly loving act. It’s a way to honor, acknowledge, and put the right emotion to the event, showing deep care.
If you find yourself wanting to disengage from a conversation (e.g., by looking at your phone), pause and inquire about what feels ‘deplorable’ in the interaction that makes you want to move away. Understand if it’s an unaccepted part of yourself or something you find reprehensible, and then decide how to respond with love or clear communication.
Strive to ’love exquisitely’ by holding another person in their fullness, truly seeing and knowing them without judgment. This involves deep empathy and a desire to connect with their humanness and beauty.
Instead of passively receiving skills or tools, actively engage with information and stories to discover insights for yourself. This personal packaging makes the advice stick and resonate more deeply.
When you feel resistance to taking a risk or engaging in a difficult conversation, slow down and examine all your internal ‘parts.’ Instead of self-judgment, activate curiosity to understand the good reason behind your feelings.
When encountering loaded terms like ’trauma,’ inquire about how they are being used in the moment. Understand if the language is creating walls, distracting from authenticity, or being used as a weapon, rather than being genuinely expressive.