To become a successful giver, be discerning about who you help, how you help, and when you help. This prevents burnout and ensures your generosity is both impactful and sustainable.
Identify 2-3 specific ways of helping that you genuinely enjoy and excel at, then prioritize giving in these areas. This ensures your generosity energizes rather than exhausts you, allowing for unique and sustainable impact.
Block out specific time in your calendar for your own priorities, and designate separate ‘windows’ to respond to requests and support others. This prevents dropping everything for every request and reserves immediate responses for true emergencies.
Look for daily opportunities to help others in small ways that are highly beneficial to them but low-cost or even beneficial to you. Examples include recognizing someone, showing appreciation, giving quick feedback, or making an introduction.
Help others in ways that are beneficial to them but not overly costly or self-sacrificing for you, and set clear boundaries in your helping. This approach, focused on meaningful impact and personal ambition, can increase energy and prevent burnout.
Avoid helping takers excessively, as it reinforces their selfish behavior. Instead, be cautious with individuals known for selfish behavior, potentially adopting a matcher approach with them, and reserve your generosity for givers and matchers who reciprocate or pay it forward.
To enhance your ‘off-the-cushion’ mindfulness, practice a semi-regular, very short formal meditation (e.g., one minute daily-ish, most days). This formal practice helps clarify what mindfulness truly is and supercharges its application in daily life.
Engage in mindfulness by non-judgmentally observing your sensory experience (e.g., physical sensations, thoughts, urges) in the present moment, and gently returning your attention whenever distracted. This practice differs from self-analysis and can make you more available to others.
As a mentor or leader, cultivate a belief in others’ potential, even beyond what they see in themselves. Set high expectations and provide challenging opportunities to help them develop skills and rise to meet those expectations.
When negotiating for yourself (e.g., salary), frame it as advocating for someone else (e.g., your family) to overcome natural agreeableness. This external motivation can empower you to be firmer and more effective in negotiations.
Engage in acts of giving not just for others, but because it is inherently energizing and fulfills a human need to cooperate. Helping others reinforces your sense of mattering, which is a key driver of meaning in life.
Instead of individual coffee chats, create an FAQ document for common questions, ask beneficiaries to document their learnings for others, or host group mentoring sessions (e.g., Google Hangouts). This efficiently shares knowledge and builds peer networks.
Dedicate a specific block of time (e.g., a couple of hours one day a week) to perform multiple five-minute favors rather than spreading them out. This ‘chunking’ approach can increase your sense of impact and overall joy from giving.
By consistently going above and beyond and doing things not in your job description, you build a reputation as a reliable and trustworthy giver. This leads to better relationships and being sought out for collaborations.
Actively seek opportunities to support others and contribute beyond your immediate job description, as this imbues your work and life with greater meaning and purpose. This feeling of purpose is a significant source of energy.
Engage in solving other people’s problems, as this naturally leads to acquiring new knowledge and skills. This process enhances your overall expertise and problem-solving abilities within your organization over time.
Learn to say ’no’ to requests that don’t align with your priorities or unique impact, recognizing that each ’no’ frees you to say ‘yes’ to more meaningful opportunities. This prevents burnout and allows for more impactful giving.
Establish a hierarchy for who you prioritize helping (e.g., family, students, colleagues, then others) to guide your decisions on requests. This ensures you’re not detracting from those closest to you or those you care about most.
Say ’no’ to requests that would significantly detract from your ability to perform your job effectively. Protecting your core work allows you to be more impactful in the long run.
To cultivate a habit of giving, identify past instances where you genuinely enjoyed helping, or specific people you feel good about helping. Intentionally offer assistance in those familiar, low-effort ways to build momentum.
Keep your office door open, attend more group meetings, and be generally more accessible and available for brief conversations with colleagues. This fosters connections and can lead to increased personal happiness and energy.
Focus on being genuinely helpful rather than merely ’nice’ or agreeable, as helpfulness stems from chosen values and motives, whereas niceness is a personality trait that can sometimes mask taking behavior.
If you are naturally agreeable, recognize that your instinct to say ‘yes’ can lead to being taken advantage of, particularly in situations like salary negotiations. Develop strategies to protect your interests.
When mentoring, be demanding (not demeaning) to challenge individuals and foster their growth. This demonstrates that your high expectations stem from a belief in their potential to improve.
Practice meditation to gain distance from repetitive thought patterns and habitual urges, allowing you to recognize anxiety as it arises and choose not to react to it. This is especially useful when other coping mechanisms are unavailable.
If you struggle with meditation due to distractions, understand that noticing your mind has wandered is actually a success. Gently return your attention to the focus (e.g., breath) each time, as this is the core practice.
To avoid getting stuck, choose the same individuals for each category (self, benefactor, dear friend, neutral, difficult, all people) every time you practice loving-kindness meditation. This makes the practice easier and prevents self-berating.
When practicing loving-kindness meditation, start with yourself, then select a consistent benefactor (e.g., parent/sibling), a dear friend (e.g., child/spouse), a consistent neutral person (someone historically overlooked), and a difficult person (can change or be consistent), concluding with all people. This structured approach simplifies the selection process.
It is not ‘cheating’ to decide in advance who you will focus on for loving-kindness meditation. This can help maintain consistency and ease of practice, reducing mental effort during the session.
Despite potential annoyance or difficulty, continue practicing loving-kindness meditation due to its scientifically suggested benefits. Consistency in practice is key to realizing these positive outcomes.
Recognize that constantly thinking about ‘how you feel about everything that’s happening’ is self-analysis, not mindfulness. While not inherently bad, excessive self-analysis can lead to self-centeredness and reduce availability for others.
To begin formal meditation, sit comfortably, close your eyes, focus on your breath (in and out), and when your mind wanders, gently return your attention to the breath. This simple instruction forms the foundation of mindfulness.
Do not treat meditation as a superficial fad or ‘mindfulness light’ by practicing infrequently with minimal effort. True meditation requires consistent ‘hard work’ and ‘intense focus’ to yield significant benefits.
If formal meditation doesn’t resonate, manage anxiety by engaging in activities like exercise, immersive reading, calling a calming contact, or practicing ‘deep acting’ by recalling positive motivations or past successes to shift your emotional state.
If you advocate for a practice, do so in a relaxed and non-dogmatic way, avoiding language that implies others are ‘insufficient’ if they don’t adopt it. Acknowledge that not every practice works for everyone.