Consciously shift your focus from seeking worthiness and approval from others (external validation) to cultivating self-esteem and needing your own approval (internal validation).
Understand self-love as having two components: accepting yourself fully (even if not ‘psyched’ about everything) and genuinely wanting the best for yourself.
Understand that self-love is an ‘inside job’ and not something found through external affirmations, accolades, awards, or achievements.
Define love, including self-love, as the full and total acceptance of a person’s complete humanity, including the ‘fucked up’ or less attractive parts of oneself.
Cultivate patience and challenge impulsive thoughts or perceived necessities by asking yourself the question, ‘Is that so?’ or ‘Is that absolutely true?’ to uncover alternative perspectives and options.
Understand that seemingly catastrophic events, like a public arrest, can ultimately be the ‘best thing that ever could happen’ by serving as a wake-up call and a beautiful opportunity to change your life.
When tragedy strikes (death, near-death, diagnosis), recognize it as a ‘portal’ that opens up to what matters most, allowing you to leave behind ‘BS’ and focus on core priorities.
Commit to not shying away from hard feelings or the difficult parts of life, embracing them as part of your ‘vocation’ to work through challenging experiences.
Adopt the mindset that there is a growth opportunity in every experience, even tragic or seemingly terrible ones. This perspective can help reframe difficult situations.
To live more presently and fully in the here and now, keep the awareness of death at the forefront of your mind, as many spiritual teachers do.
Acknowledge and begin to accept that you, along with everyone else, will never truly know what happens when we die. This acceptance can be a difficult but necessary step in processing grief and fear.
When contemplating death, find comfort in the fact that billions of people have already experienced it, and you will not be the first.
Recognize that basic friendliness, benevolence, and warmth are trainable skills, achievable through practices like meditation, therapy, or fostering good relationships, even if you currently feel hatred towards yourself or others.
Cultivate warmth and openness through practices such as meditation, journaling, or gratitude journals, recognizing that it takes less energy to be warm than cold.
Counter societal narratives that link happiness and self-worth to external achievements (money, possessions, children’s success) by prioritizing the fundamental need to feel good about yourself first.
Actively reflect on and identify what truly makes you feel good about yourself, rather than relying on external achievements or societal expectations.
Recognize that the pride and self-love felt for overcoming challenges like addiction can be directly linked to the depth of past struggles; accept that one cannot exist without the other.
View the choice to no longer use substances to cover up pain or numb feelings as a foundational first step toward loving yourself.
Engage in therapy specifically to learn how to love yourself, especially if you intellectually understand the concept but struggle with its practical application.
Understand that during times of suffering or tragedy, your ‘best’ might look different (e.g., only one hour of work then resting), and it’s precious to allow yourself to slow down and take that time for self-care.
When experiencing intense grief or suffering, allow yourself to ‘sit in it’ and let the emotions move through you, rather than trying to push through or maintain normal routines.
Recognize and break the unhealthy link between physical suffering and self-esteem, especially if you find yourself constantly seeking suffering to feel good about yourself, as this creates a never-ending cycle.
Intentionally take a break from or avoid physical activities that rely on suffering for a sense of accomplishment, instead seeking more balanced ways of living that don’t depend on adrenaline spikes from physical pain.
Shift your fitness regimen to include activities you genuinely enjoy, such as walking, low-key gym workouts, surfing, or golfing, rather than solely focusing on intense, suffering-based exercises.
Commit to ‘showing up every day’ and engaging in desired behaviors, even when motivation is lacking, understanding that motivation doesn’t always come first (behavior activation).
Recognize and value three types of activities equally: those you’re excited about beforehand, those you enjoy in the moment, and those that bring fulfillment after completion, rather than only pursuing activities you anticipate enjoying.
A key step in shifting from external to internal validation is to finely attune yourself to what you genuinely like and want, rather than what society or others expect of you.
To avoid future shame or worry, tell the complete story of your life, including difficult or ‘fucked up’ parts, as this vulnerability can be healing for yourself and others.
Practice being observant of the energy in a room without letting it negatively affect you, distinguishing yourself from an empath who takes on others’ energy as their own.
Encourage children (and yourself) to reflect on their motivation for engaging in activities: are they seeking external approval, or is the activity genuinely fulfilling and ‘filling you up’ from within?
When your children are at practice, sit in the car instead of watching them, allowing them to engage in their activity without the pressure of being observed by parents.