A Radical Strategy for Dealing With Difficult People | Father Gregory Boyle

1. Discover True Self in Loving

Find your true self in loving to become sturdy and resilient, as this is the most powerful thing in the world and prevents “fates worse than death” (not knowing your true self).

2. Embrace Universal Belonging

Recognize that everyone belongs and is unshakably good, with no exceptions, to overcome separation and foster connection.

3. Practice Never-Ending Love

Make it your practice to never stop loving, as love is about constancy and is where true joy is found, regardless of whether it’s returned.

4. Put Death in Its Place

Compile two lists: things more powerful than death and fates worse than death, to prevent death from having power over you and to cultivate internal freedom.

5. View Horrible as Ill Health

When encountering horrible actions, see them as symptoms of ill health (trauma, brokenness) rather than inherent evil, fostering compassion and a path to wholeness.

6. Be Fluent in Tenderness

Strive to be fluent in “extravagant tenderness,” anchored in loving kindness, as it is the only non-delusional response that softens people and frees them to be their true selves.

7. Create Safe, Cherishing Spaces

Create safe places where people can be seen and cherished, as this changes people by altering their brain’s hardwiring and leads to systemic change.

8. Invite, Don’t Demand

Instead of holding up a bar and asking people to measure up, invite them to show up to their truth, as this is an invitation to joy rather than a grim duty.

9. Reflect True Self

Hold a mirror up to people to help them see and acknowledge their unshakable goodness and belonging, allowing their soul to feel its worth.

10. Remind of Inherent Truth

Remind people of the truth of who they are so they can inhabit and become that truth, as this inherent goodness is unassailable.

11. Prioritize What Helps

Focus on doing things that genuinely help, rather than just what “works,” because helpful actions lead to positive change and growth.

12. Catch Judgmental Inclinations

Practice catching yourself before demonizing or judging others, as this helps you stand in awe of what people carry rather than judging how they carry it.

13. Presume Compassion Always

Always presume that compassion is the answer to every question, guiding your responses and actions away from judgment.

14. Cherish Every Breath

Continuously cherish others with every breath, reflecting back the truth of who they are, as this incremental practice fosters a cycle of cherishing.

15. Use Mantras for Presence

Employ mantras or useful phrases to consistently return to the present moment, helping you delight in, listen to, and notice the people around you.

16. Anchor in Present, Delight in Others

To manage stress and sadness, practice staying anchored in the present moment and delighting in the people who are in front of you.

17. Convey “No Matter Whatness”

In relationships, especially during mistakes, convey an unwavering “no matter whatness” to foster healing and trust, assuring others of your constant presence and acceptance.

18. Maintain Boundaries, Keep Door Open

Set wise boundaries and allow for consequences, but never close the door on people, always inviting them back when they are ready to change.

19. Approach Hostility with Tenderness

When faced with hostility, walk towards it with tenderness rather than away, as this approach can soften people and foster genuine connection.

20. Be a Counter Space

Create or participate in “counter spaces” that model a different, better way of belonging and community, rather than just preparing people for the existing world.

21. Go to Margins to Be Changed

Engage with marginalized communities not to make a difference, but to allow the people there to make you different, preventing burnout and fostering mutual transformation.

22. Be Faithful to Love

Focus on being faithful to a love that never stops loving, rather than being driven by specific outcomes or success, to prevent burnout and align with a deeper purpose.

23. Fire Preposterous Gods

Actively challenge and discard any “preposterous” or limiting notions of God or guiding principles that are unhelpful, in favor of a more expansive and enriching understanding.

24. Apply Mystical Filter

Interpret religious texts and teachings with a “mystical filter,” discerning what resonates as true and helpful while acknowledging their inspired but imperfect nature.

25. Tell Stories of Love

Use stories and poetry to create and share images of expansive, unconditional love, as these narratives help to grasp the ineffable more effectively than abstract words.