Engage in meditation to gain control over your mind, especially if it feels bright but out of control, as this is a fundamental step towards freedom from suffering.
Ask yourself if you have been angry long enough, as this question can give you permission to move past anger and consider its diminishing returns.
Before attempting to forgive, conduct a deep inventory of how you have been harmed and what you need, and seek someone to witness your story with infinite compassion as an invaluable first step.
Perform a cost-benefit analysis of anger by asking if it has served you long enough, and consider whether holding onto anger, even when justified, aligns with your desire for happiness.
Learn to align yourself with those you perceive as enemies by considering their humanity, understanding their position, and their needs, without excusing their harmful behavior.
Engage in the “Just Like Me” meditation by repeating phrases such as “Just like me, this person wishes to be happy,” and “Just like me, this person doesn’t want suffering,” to foster compassion and understanding for others.
Open your mind to and practice the notion of interdependence (“we inter-are”) with everyone, including those who annoy or offend you, to foster a sense of shared humanity and reduce animosity.
Actively work to erode the notion of an enemy by cultivating equanimity, love, compassion, and joy, and by seeking ways to recognize shared humanity even in those you perceive as adversaries.
Daily, identify your core values and your ideal “best self,” then consciously use these as an anchor to tether yourself in sticky situations and conflict zones, guiding your communication and behavior.
Apply the restorative justice questions “How are you harmed?” and “What do you need?” to daily annoyances, pausing to introspect, journal, or meditate on your underlying needs, and try to meet those needs before future encounters.
Understand that your needs, especially after experiencing harm, do not solely have to be met by the person who caused the harm; seek support and fulfillment of needs from other people and safe communities.
Develop and rely on an emotional management toolbox, such as using your breath and meditation practices, especially during difficult dialogues or sticky situations to stay grounded.
When entering a difficult situation or meeting, visualize a person who embodies your ideal wise, kind, and honest self sitting on your shoulder, guiding your communication and helping you be your best self.
Suspend judgment of others’ actions and instead cultivate curiosity by asking, “What happened to you that you did that?”, seeking to understand the underlying causes and conditions.
Adopt verb-based language (e.g., “the person who raped someone” instead of “rapist”) to describe individuals and their actions, recognizing that identities are in flux and people are not defined solely by their worst acts.
Recognize and embrace that all beings are in a constant state of change, which can foster compassion and understanding, as individuals are not permanently defined by past actions.
Reflect on your personal spiritual destination or highest aspiration (like “buddhahood”) and choose to align yourself with and travel alongside others who are also striving in that direction, regardless of their past.
Instead of trying to change or rewrite past traumatic experiences, practice accepting them as they were, which can prevent further suffering like migraines.
Do not approach meditation or healing practices with the expectation of an immediate, magical “hocus pocus” cure for deep-seated issues like forgiveness or physical ailments.
When engaging in practices like the “Just Like Me” meditation or working with difficult emotions, remember to be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Recognize that dwelling on revenge fantasies is counterproductive and feels bad, and it is in your best interest to avoid this state.
Avoid sublimating your own healing journey by solely focusing on helping others; ensure you also put yourself at the center of your healing process.
When addressing harm or conflict, ask three core restorative justice questions: “Who was harmed?”, “What do they need?”, and “Whose obligation is it to meet those needs?”
Recognize that healing journeys require their own timelines, and avoid pressuring individuals to resolve conflicts or forgive immediately, allowing for the time needed for genuine healing.
Cultivate belief and imagination that a world is possible where safety and accountability can exist without punishment, as this belief is a necessary resource for implementing restorative justice effectively.
Do not shame individuals who prefer traditional punitive responses over restorative justice; instead, respect their honesty about their needs and chosen approach to healing.